Clueless Christmas

My Christmas was actually really good. I think it's one of the firsts where pretty much everything has gone really well. No fights which is a miracle considering we were all in a house together for four days. I got a lot of cool stuff for Christmas: Noise cancelling headphones, Sad Ghost Club sweater, Everclear T-shirt, socks, Itunes gift card, jewelry, and neck pillow. We played tons of Skee Ball and got lots of tickets for prizes. My nephew came with us to the coast as well. He was pretty well behaved, and he's so cute anymore. He's started talking more, and Brandon actually let me watch him for a little bit while he and his girlfriend were busy doing other things. Out of everyone in my family I do see him the most besides Brandon. My dad made a few comments about wanting another grandkid, but I have no fucking clue where the second one is coming from. Josh would be the next sibling to have a kid, and he doesn't even have a girlfriend, so I guess it's just up to Brandon. I am definitely not having a kid any time soon. It will probably be another ten years before I even consider having a kid.
One unusual thing that happened on Christmas was I was allowed to drink. My grandma let me have a mamosa for breakfast because everyone was having, and my dad let me have a Spanish Coffee. I also took sips of Josh's wine when no one was looking. Also on the way home my dad had me drive for a little bit which hardly ever happens unless it's on a road I've driven before. I guess this means I'm growing up, and my family is starting to accept. The only thing is I'm not sure I'm as ready as I've been saying. I'm terrified because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. 

Good Grades for Christmas

I've been home for over a week now, and I've spent more time with my dad's girlfriend than my dad. I've also probably spent more time with my brother Brandon and his girlfriend than my dad. Apparently, now that I don't live here, he's hardly ever home. It's kind of weird honestly. I think next year since I won't be living in the dorms, I'm going to stay in Seattle for most of my Christmas Break. After all there isn't much for me to do here, and the only reason to come home is to go to the coast for Christmas. Everyone goes to the coast, so then I could see everyone at once, and then go back to my apartment afterwards. The only thing is that I have been able to see some of my friends, but I don't need over three weeks here just to see my friends and family. I only need about week here, and then I could spend the rest of my break doing whatever the hell I wanted in Seattle.
Yesterday, my grades were posted. It turns out I got a 4.00 for my first quarter, not too shabby if I do say so myself. My dad is the only person I told. I texted him a picture of my grades, and he seemed pretty excited for me. Maybe my college will look at how well I'm doing and decide to give me more money, but somehow I doubt that. If only dreams could come true. I suppose some do. Just not all of them. 

Company Christmas Party

I've been home for about three days now. I got home Wednesday night by train. Actually, I got a half hour away from home by train, and my dad drove me the rest of the way. The first thing we did was eat at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. It was the first time I've had real Mexican food for three months which honestly has been kind of brutal for me. Even though I'm not Mexican, I grew up eating a lot of Mexican food. After that we went home, and I didn't really do anything until the next day. I got my haircut, deposited some money, visited my friend, and bought a pack of razors because I accidentally left mine in my dorm. It was all so exciting I could barely contain myself. Haha.
Today, we had the first company Christmas Party which involved eight people, most of them related to me or dating some related to me. It was a very long party where everyone was allowed to drink besides me, but we had lots of good food which made me very happy. I'm going to work tomorrow though because I don't really have anything else to do with my time, and I figured I might as well make some money while I'm home for break. 

Facebook Cred

This week is finals week, surprisingly I'm not that nervous for it. Instead I've been obsessing over a new album discovering, Carry the Ghost by Noah Gundersen. I freaking love this album right. Selfish Art is probably my favorite song on it, and currently my favorite song. I don't really wanna listen to anything else right now. I've been trying to get my dad to listen this album, but he hasn't yet. I want someone to talk to about it, but hopefully he'll listen to it by the time I get home this Wednesday. Also, another cool thing that happened music related is my dad bought tickets to go see Bruce Springsteen!! I can't wait! It's going to be the best thing ever! The concert is the Sunday before my finals for next quarter, and I won't be getting back until Monday, but I have only two finals on that Tuesday and Wednesday, so it shouldn't really interfere. Besides it's totally worth it to go see Springsteen in concert. This could be my only chance since he's getting to be kind of old. I mean I know the guy is extremely energetic, but how much longer can he maintain that? So I might as well go see him now.
Yesterday, my dad sent me a picture of him holding the orange kitty on a street, and I said that the orange kitty was so cute. My dad texted back, "Nice smile dad. Lol," to which I responded "that too." I later posted the picture on Facebook, and he texted me saying, "Wow Stacy. Thanks for the Facebook notoriety." I told him if we were friends I could have tagged him, and he said that wouldn't be a good idea. So I said jokingly, "Why won't my parents be friends with me?!" He then got out his laptop and added me as friend as well as his girlfriend. He said he had to build up his Facebook cred.  

Dressember

Well, it's dead week. I've never heard of dead week before this week, but I get why it's called that. I'm so tired and want the quarter to be over with already. I get to go home next week. I'm pretty excited to take the train. Also, I'm going to get new strings on my violin which I'm very happy about it. This past week my strings have fallen completely out of place, so I think I need new strings or either that my violin is messed up. I'm hoping I just need new strings. I went and got my boot back today. The new zipper works quite nicely. I'm so happy I finally have my boots again. I missed my Dr. Marten's so much these past few weeks.
I have my last class of Aural Skills tomorrow until next quarter that is. I'm so happy that I have month off from that class. I don't like it at all. I only have one final really which is in Music Theory, but I think it will be fairly easy. I've gotten all A's on the quizzes, so I think I'll be fine for the test. For my other final I just have to do a group presentation which I hope we'll have finished by Tuesday. GAH, I JUST WANT THIS WEEK TO BE OVER.
Also, I have a friend participating in Dressember this month. She's wearing a dress every day of the month to help raise awareness about human trafficking. It's also a fundraiser. She has a page at https://support.dressemberfoundation.org/fundraise?fcid=570189
If you can I hope you will donate because it's for a really great. 

Home Sweet Home

I'm home now for the weekend which is nicer than I was expecting. Yesterday my cousin and I drove down to my grandma's house for Thanksgiving dinner. We ended up getting stuck in a huge traffic jam because there was a really bad accident on the freeway. My cousin had to pee right before we got stuck in the traffic jam, and he had to wait at least a half an hour before we were able to get to the exit. Then there was a line at the bathroom because of the traffic jam. Thankfully, my dad managed to delay dinner until we got there, so I was able to eat real food instead of cafeteria food.
When I got home last night my dogs were so happy to see me, and I was equally happy to see them. It was kind of strange being here at first because my dad's girlfriend has now moved in so everything's changed. The house is actually kind of homey now which is nice. It's way better than what it used to be when it was just my dad and me here. They even now have what my dad calls, "the parlor" basically it's a second living room in the basement. It's nicer than the upstairs living room. I'm currently in the parlor watching Veep because I don't want to do anything right now. Also I don't have a clean clothes so I'm waiting until my laundry is done before I actually do anything today. 

Simplified Lifestyle

I have discovered during my short time here in college that my day to day goals have become very simple. Instead of coming up with little ideas here and there to make my dreams come true, I have officially simplified my life to much smaller objectives. Yesterday, I had made a list of two things I had to accomplish, do the laundry and shower. I managed to finish both of those things by 9. I also had originally planned on finishing my analysis but that did not happen. That's my goal for today as well as getting my boots fixed. The zipper on my Doc Marten's broken, and I've been depressed about it for a whole week. I haven't really had the time to go get it done because I have to walk all the way to the guy who fixes boots, and the whole thing would take approximately an hour to drop them off and do all of that. Also the weather has been pretty bad lately.
Another new development in my life is I think a guy in one of my classes likes me which weirds me out because we're in a group together for a project. He messaged me last night about a different project in that class, and today he asked me if I wanted to work together on it to which I responded I had a lot of stuff to do after class. It was so awkward. I don't know how to handle social situations properly at all. I also decided that even if he doesn't like me he just wants my help for this assignment because I'm the "smart" one everyone gets help from. I'm so done with being that person, but it seems that I'm still that person because I have quite a few people here who ask me for help on a lot of stuff. I was hoping that in college I wouldn't have to be the one everyone checks their answers with. Sure, you meet a lot of people that way, but no one is really interested in being your friend. Oh well, the difference is I actually do have friends here.

Hiding the Truth

I recently found out my roommate is homosexual which doesn't change anything in my opinion, but I thought it was sad that she felt uncomfortable with being able to tell anyone here. All her friends back home, but not many people here know. I also felt bad for her when she asked me if it changed anything, and I told her it didn't because it shouldn't. Also she's a really cool person, and I'm super happy with her as my roommate. It just got me thinking of all the things that I haven't told anyone here, and how I probably won't tell anyone here. With the way some of the girls, even guys, are I doubt they would be able to look at me the same if they knew certain things about. It's also kind of strange at the same time because everyone back home knew a lot of this stuff about me, and even if they didn't know it didn't seem to matter, but here if I did say anything it would matter. I feel like most of the time I have to be very careful with what I say which is not a bad thing I guess. There's a lot of things that I used to say back home that probably weren't the most appropriate or politically correct so I just have to watch out for that kind of thing when I'm talking. Also I'm terrified of anyone asking me about my dating history or anything like that because it's been kind of messy, and I think most of the girls here are virgins, and I'm not. I think they're all the waiting for marriage types whereas for me it's kind of too late for that. It will also make it difficult to date anyone here because everyone is looking for "the one" and other Christians, and I don't meet that criteria. Not to mention most guys here seem to want their girlfriends to be the pure types, and I'm not that either never really have been. My thoughts are too dark for that. 

The Holidays are Here... Again

My Halloween was pretty interesting. First of all, I didn't really do anything for the day of Halloween, but I did the day before Halloween. All the campus Halloween stuff was the Friday before so my friends and I dressed up on Friday and went to the dance for the costume contest and the haunted house. I wasn't originally going to dress up, but I changed my mind after I saw how many other people were dressing up. I decided to go as "blackmail," which meant I dressed all in black and taped envelopes to myself. I had quite a few people ask me what I was since it wasn't very obvious. A cute guy that I've never talked to before asked me what I was because he thought I was someone else. So my only conversation with one of the guys I actually find attractive on campus was to tell him I had dressed up as blackmail. I have no idea how things like this happen to me.
Also I had to talk to my dad yesterday about how I'm getting home for Thanksgiving because last month he had changed his mind from the original plan. It turns out we're sticking with the original plan after much deliberation through text message. I'm getting a ride to my grandma's house from cousin. For some reason my dad had decided that he didn't like that idea until my grandma said my cousin was going to give me a ride to her house. He also went on to tell me that my dog ran away after he bought her a bed fit for Lady Gaga's dog, and that my dog shows no gratitude. After that he said he put the little boy who was running off with her in our creepy neighbor's trunk. And I said that seemed harsh, and he agreed and said he had seemed like a nice little boy too. Just in case no one caught on he was being completely sarcastic about the whole scenario. 

Beta Anxiety

I got a package in the mail today from my mom. She told me she was sending me one after this weekend when she assessed my belongings in my room. Apparently, I was lacking certain items she thought I needed even though I was just fine with what I had. She sent me a rice cooker without even asking if we could have them in our rooms, and we can't. I guess I can just save it until next year for when I get an apartment.
Also,  I'm sort of questioning my decision to be a music major or even why I came to college in the first place. Don't get me wrong I love it here, but on one hand I'm exhausted all the time, and half the time I feel sick to my stomach due to anxiety. I think I love the people I've met here and that I'm no longer at home anymore. There's so much required that nobody tells you about before you go to college. All this other stuff you have to do besides homework, classes, and getting a job. Right now I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas Break. I don't want to go home, I just want a break. I want to get some decent sleep and have a normal day where my stomach doesn't churn.
On a happier note, my friend Natasha got a beta fish for her room. She named it, Dragon. It's red and very pretty. A guy from the first floor got two betas as well. Both of his betas are the same tank with a divider though. The lady at Petco said the divider could potentially fall down. Natasha and I are expecting his fish to die any day now because of how small the tank is, and the fact that the divider could fall down. 

Cultural Weekend

I've had a pretty busy weekend this weekend. Friday night I went to the laser dome and saw a Journey themed laser light show. It was the first I've taken a public bus, and I managed to do so successfully. I also was with a group, so I just followed what everyone else was doing. We were planning on going to a diner afterwards, but the last bus was leaving in 15 minutes so we weren't able to do so.
Last night, I went to this concert pretty far away. It was a modern orchestra which I thought would mean they were going to play music from video games like I did back home but that was not the case. Instead, they played a bunch of pieces that were hard to get into due to all the dissonance. My friend and I had an interesting time trying to locate the place because first of all the bus dropped us off in a dimly lit area with hardly any people. Google maps tried to make us walk down this dead end street and through some people's backyards to get there, but we decided to take the next street down instead. When finally got to the venue we had to wander around the building in order to find the chapel. The building kind of looked like an old insane asylum. Once we got to the chapel, it was extremely small the audience was probably about fifty people in all. The whole thing kind of had a sixties cafe where people would do spoken word vibe to it. There wasn't anybody smoking, but the guy in front of me reeked of cigarettes.
Today was a little more normal. I went to the Sunday Market for a couple of hours. That was pretty cool. I saw some pretty interesting stuff. I'm pretty proud of how social I've been. Never would I have thought that I would have a weekend where I went did something each day. I feel very accomplished with my college experience so far.

Nineteen is Greater Than Eighteen

Yesterday I had my first birthday in college. It was probably one of the best birthdays I've had. My roommate gave me a cake which I thought was so nice. A few other girls on my floor got me something too. My door got decorated because that's something they do here. There's a birthday committee that decorates your door. I was sad this morning when I saw that part of the decorations had fallen off. I even had multiple people post, "Happy Birthday," on my Facebook wall which hardly ever happens. Quite a few of my friends texted me as well. One of my friends is only about 15 minutes away from here, so I might try to meet up with her to hang out. My dad and his girlfriend came up yesterday, and they're still here today. I'm going to be meeting up with them in about 45 minutes. They took me clothes shopping for my birthday present which I greatly appreciated because I'm lacking very much in the clothes department. They also took me to Fred Meyer's to get some more food. My brother's girlfriend sent up a huge bag for my present. It was pretty heavy too. I had to run through the rain to my room, protecting it as best as I could from getting drenched. When I opened though there was a bunch of food and ten dollars of quarters. I can now do 5 and a half more loads of laundry plus the amount of quarters I already, so I may have enough to last me until Spring Break, we'll see.

Family Disasters

Already finished my first full week of college and am currently on my second. I can't believe that amount of stuff that has happened these past couple of weeks and not all of it has to do with me moving here. My aunt was hospitalized a week or two ago, and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her until recently. I guess she has conversion disorder, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, but she lost her ability to do certain things. Anyways, she's staying with my grandma who is 84 years old, and my grandma is taking care of her. Also, my aunt's son just got in a car wreck yesterday, and he doesn't have any car insurance.
Yesterday, my mom texted me about health insurance for about the 10th time. I guess she just now got my card and wants to mail it to me, so I gave her my address. I also stupidly told her she could visit, so no my mom is visiting me on the weekend of the 24th. I did that on purpose because most of the people in my dorm will be gone. I don't know why the hell I told her she could visit. I guess I assumed she would say she can't, but that unfortunately did not work. So yeah that should be interesting.

So It Begins

Today was my second day of college classes. I feel completely exhausted. I have to get up every morning around 7:15 to get to class at 8, and it's been kicking my ass already after two days. At least Friday I get to sleep in a little bit. I won't have class until 9:30 that day, but I do have to work. I also have to work on Saturday at 10:30. I might have to start napping, but I doubt that will help me fall asleep at night which is what I've been having problems with lately. I don't know why I have to have random bouts of insomnia at the worst possible times in my life. I hate it.
I had to audition yesterday for the orchestra, and I totally bombed it. I honestly can't believe how badly I played. I have never played that song so poorly since I learned it. Even with how terrible it was, I'm still being allowed to play in the orchestra for now. Who knows how long that will last, but I guess I'll just have to make the most of it. 

Orientation

I have now almost been here for a whole week. All the freshmen are moved in, and orientation has been a long and enduring process that isn't even over yet, unfortunately. I just want my classes to start and have a somewhat established schedule already. All this, "Hi, what's your name? Where are you from? What are you majoring in?" BS is starting to get a little old, but I have to admit I'm pretty proud of myself. I've managed to start multiple conversations and get out of my comfort zone quite a bit this week. I've met so many different people that they all have kind of blurred together. Most of them I can't even remember their names.
Tomorrow, we're supposed to do this CityQuest thing where you do some volunteer stuff with your USEM class, but I'm so tired I might skip. Also, I could really stand to practice some more violin. Today was the first I had practiced in at least a week. I have an audition on Monday, but I still don't really know what I'm going to play because it needs to be at least three minutes long, but most of the stuff that I know really well isn't that long. I'll have to figure something out. I know that I have a lot of time on Sunday to practice as well even if I do do go to the thing tomorrow because everyone is going to church on Sunday, but I definitely will not be going.

Move-in Day

So I am now officially in my dorm room and everything. I have a key, and my card that let's me in every building. I'm here early though so I haven't really met anyone yet. Just a few other girls on my floor. My roommate isn't even here yet. Tomorrow I have orientation for my job, and Thursday is when regular freshmen orientation starts. My room is right across the hall from the bathroom which is okay I guess. At least everybody has to walk past my room at some point in the day. I have all my stuff put away and my bed is made. My clothes fit in three drawers. I didn't even put my clothes in the dresser. I just used the drawers attached to my closet. My actual dresser is being used to hold things like my towels and sheets and some books and cosmetics. I have quite a bit of space left over so if I happen to get more things I have somewhere to put them. The only concern I have is my laundry basket. It doesn't fit under my bed or really anywhere out of the way which kind of sucks but oh well I'll live. 

Last Week

Well, I have four full days left of being home. Friday will be my last day here because I'll be leaving early, early Saturday morning. I'm not packed up all the way, but I will be by Saturday for sure. I still have a few things left to do while I'm still here like getting an eye exam tomorrow. My doctor said I might have problems with close up vision. My dad came home today after being gone for over a week. We went to the gym tonight, and when we got back there was a kitty cat outside all by himself. We haven't ever seen this kitty before so we put our dogs in the backyard and brought the kitty cat inside. We let the kitty cat walk around the house while the dogs were barking outside. He meowed a few times so we opened the front door to see if the kitty wanted back outside. He stayed in the doorway for a few minutes before stepping outside. We decided if the kitty is still around tomorrow we're gonna keep him. I told my dad that most kitties are allowed in apartments instead of dogs. So I guess we might end up with a new kitty.

Dognapper

Yesterday, I was at work when my mom texted me saying, "Are you missing a dog?" I had no idea if I was so I told her that. Apparently, my dog Tweakers "ran away" to my mom's house even though he has never done that, ever. He hasn't been to her house in her three years, and he never leaves my house to begin with. She asked me what to do with him, and I told her to drop him off at my house but she wouldn't because no one was home. So she decided to take him with her, but didn't tell me when she was going to be back or where she was going with my dog. I tried texting her quite a few times, and when I got home at around nine I tried calling her. I called her about five times before she answered at 10:30 and said she'd be in town in ten minutes. She drops him and tries to be friendly with me and makes an attempt at joking with me. She even ended up petting my other dog, P-Knut. Her reason for why he was able to run away to her house was she has recently been walking to the middle school which is at the end of the block from my house. She thinks he picked up her scent from there and followed it back to her house. Tweakers can't even smell a dog treat placed a foot in front of his nose. As she was leaving she said she thinks he wants to live with her when I leave for college which will never ever happen. She honestly is started to freak me out because the night before she dognapped Tweakers she sent me all these emails about how much she loves me with a link to the song, "The Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler. Her last email asked me what she needed to do to prove how much she loves me and asked if she needed to cut off her arm. Right now my dad is on vacation so I'm home alone for a whole week, and after yesterday it felt like an invasion of privacy. I don't feel like I can't get away from her. 

Post High School and So On

I went for a bike ride around town yesterday. I started from my house and went down to the dock. There was only two other people there besides me. I remember so many people used to flock there. Now it's deserted but that could be because I never go there when it would typically be crowded. I don't want to chance running into people I used to hang out with. On my way back from the docks though I took a little detour in an alleyway behind some businesses and in front of some houses. I passed a house and glanced at it and very quickly looked away after seeing a man with his pants down around his knees. Thank God I didn't see anything because the porch railing was in the way. I have no idea what the hell he was doing, and I don't think I want to know. The vision still creeps me out.
Today, I drove past the high school, and it was weird at first because I should be in school right now, but since I graduated I don't have to be there anymore. It's an odd sensation. I am really happy not to be there anymore, but I'm also scared. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. Sure, I'm going to college, but what am I going to do afterwards? Am I really going to make a living being a musician? Even just being a sound engineer seems like a stretch to me right now. I mean I know it's great and all to follow your dreams but what happens if you work really hard at it and nothing every happens for you? What will I do then? It's all so terrifying, but at the same time I kind of love it. I've never really done anything that extreme or exciting in my life. This is my chance to do something great, and I just have to keep remembering that even if I fail at least I tried. See there, I just gave myself my own motivational speech. Oh, the wonders of the mind.

Coast Vacation

I just got back from the coast today. My dad and I went for four days. It was nice to get out of town for a little bit. Also the break from this insanely hot weather was nice as well. Although we are supposed to be getting some rain this weekend which I can't wait for. In fact, I'm excited to be able to go outside and not sweat after five minutes. I saw my grandma today. She gave me a set of towels for college which was for sweet of her. It's also a very nice set of towels too, I would have bought myself an inferior set. I do feel bad for my grandma though because she tries so hard to help out everyone in her family, and I think she's being stretched a little too thin at the moment. I hope that some day I can be as generous with my family as she has been.
I also hear from my mom today apparently she has a new job teaching at a public school instead of the crappy private school she was working at. That's basically the only good information I received from the exchange I had with her today.
Anyways, during our vacation my dad and I played skee ball as we normally do at the coast. This time I got a mug with my tickets instead of a bunch of candy even though I did get some candy. We also got some ice cream, and the guy who served us ice cream commented on my The Head and The Hear t-shirt which is the very first time I have had anybody say anything about it to me that actually knew who they were. I was really happy about that. My dad wanted to go fishing, but there wasn't enough water for him to fish. We went in a couple lighthouses, bookstores, and saw Ricki and The Flash, it was a good movie. We also went to the aquarium and this marine science center. All in all it was an awesome trip. 

Crazy Parent Train

It's a month and four days before I leave for college, and a part of me is wondering if I should be going. I'm worried about what everybody is nervous about, but other things on top of that. Mostly, I'm worried about my dad. I know that he's lived in an empty house before, and he hasn't always had me living in his house with him, but things as of late seem to be bothering him, and I can't quite figure out what's going on with him. I think he's kind of freaking about me leaving, but he won't tell me the whole truth of it all because he doesn't want me to feel bad for leaving. I know my dad thinks it's a good idea for me to go, and I know he wants me to go, but I also know he's never been more than a forty-five minute drive from me for all my life except when I went on vacation with my mom.
The reasons for my new suspicions about how he's going to handle the house being empty are little things I've picked up on over the last few months. I've learned well from my mom to be able to tell when my parents are in a bad state of mind. Although my dad is way better at hiding things from me, and he doesn't tell me all his problems like my mom would. First off June my dad went to the doctor which isn't a big deal really he goes every few years or so, but he mentioned that he wanted to make sure everything was in check, and to keep him from stressing out so much. He also said him and his girlfriend would be living together much later than planned. The original plan was once all of their kids were out of the house they would, "cohabitate," but they has changed because my dad needs to stop having meltdowns every week is what he told me. I wasn't even aware that my dad was having any meltdowns. And I don't think they've stopped either because Brandon was telling me that on Wednesday at work something major happened. My dad and Brandon got into some sort of argument, and Brandon, "quit," for about an hour. According to Brandon there was an "intervention" for my dad's attitude at work (I'm using lots of quotes but that's because of how everybody else put it). Recently, my dad said he was having a harder time with me leaving than he was expecting which means my dad is probably having all these issues right now because his "little girl" is going to be out on her own in the big, bad world. I know I can't stay here just because of my dad's own problems, but if something really awful happens while I'm gone I'd feel really bad about it even if it technically isn't my fault. I've always felt somehow responsible for my parents, more so than my brothers ever have. I just wish that for once one of my parents could stay sane and normal while I'm still living with them. 

Flies and Groceries and Dogs

Last night at around nine o' clock my dad decided to go grocery shopping for Family Weekend this weekend. He invites everybody out for the whole weekend, and all my relatives get to rafting, and we all get to see each other and have good, ole, quality family fun. Except that it's more along the line of everybody gets super wasted for two days straight, and we play a brutal game of whiffle ball. My family is extremely competitive, and I hate that every year I have to pitch because if we lose it's because of me. We do go rafting in between the drinking and the terrifying game of whiffle ball.
Anyways, last night my dad discovered that he had left his wallet at the office which is a half an hour away from where we live. This put a huge damper on his plans for preparing for the weekend because he was going to have to take the new delivery of flies into work, and go shopping, and cook all the food on the same day. After a few minutes of silence my dad says, "I could take the flies to work now, get my wallet, and then go shopping at Safeway afterwards." I agree that this isn't a terrible, and I tell him that I will go with him. We also decide to take the dogs with us because well why not no one else was going to be at the office besides us. So we get to the office get out the flies sorted and ready for people to put them away in the morning, drink some Pepsi, and leave to go shopping. We get to Safeway, and P-Knut jumps out of the car. She's afraid of being in the car for some, we're not really sure why. My dad puts back in the car, we get our groceries, come back, and realize that my other dog, Tweakers is not in the car. We're kind of freaked out at this point because it's after 11:00, and neither one of us is sure if he got in the car before we left the office or if he got out of the car when P-Knut did when we got to the store. So my dad drives back to the office which is only a few minutes' drive from Safeway, but he's still going nearly forty miles an hour in a 25 zone. We get to the office, and Tweakers is just sitting there in front of the door waiting for us. 

Things to Come

I finally received my housing assignment for the upcoming school year. I was getting worried that I was going to get one, and that I'd end up in a crappy room with an obnoxious roommate. I had many worries about roommate actually some of which were, that she'd be like the roommate from Pitch Perfect, she'd want to do plan our outfits together, want to braid my hair and talk about boys, or have crappy music tastes. There are plenty more outcomes that I have in my head that could make for a terrible roommate that I suppose my roommate could have, but so far she seems pretty cool. She lives in a city which is nice because I, for one, have never lived in a city, and am pretty intimidated by the all things I don't know about cities. One of these things being I've never ridden on a bus, unless you count the school bus, but I don't. My roommate and I do so far appear to have similar tastes in music which I am very happy about it.
I also have a job in dining services, and I have to go up a few days early which I don't mind. I want to have few days to myself before everyone else gets there. I don't really know yet what food place I'll be working just not the main dining hall which I'm happy about it. Instead I'll be working in either Subway, Sandella's, or one of their other retail locations. I'm getting pretty excited for the fall, but I'm very nervous at the same time. 

Last Names

My dad and I were talking about last names yesterday evening. I can't remember exactly how we started talking about last names. I know it must have started with discussing a musician and somehow it led to last names. Anyways, my dad had asked me if I would ever change my last name in the theoretical event of me getting married. I said if I'm a musician I won't change my stage name if I use my regular name. I brought up June Carter for some reason saying she had changed her name to June Carter Cash but had still kept her name. My dad said that was because Johnny Cash was more famous than her. He also proceeded to say that Patti Scialfa never changed her name even though Bruce Springsteen is more famous than her. I said if I were her I would have changed my name from Patti Spine Disease to Patti Springsteen.
Today, a package from Amazon came in the mail. My dad guessed that it would his hat and my Bundle Monster in the box. I got really excited because I couldn't wait to get out the Bundle Monster. We had ordered this set of reading lights from Amazon for me for when I go to college, and the brand name was Bundle  Monster, but calling the reading lights themselves, the Bundle Monster sounds way cooler than reading lights. We opened the box and there was my dad's hat, and the Bundle Monster, or so i thought until I picked it up and realized it was one of the reading lights I had looked at before I found the Bundle Monster. I was very disappointed, but my dad went ahead and ordered the Bundle Monster this time. 

Rogue Rafting

Today, I went rafting with my brother, Brandon, and his girlfriend as well as their dog. Their dog is a little Schnauzer and Beagle mix along with some other breeds. She has this cute little orange life jacket that has a handle on it, so you can pick her up. She likes to roam around on the boat and since Brandon has a cataraft she likes to walk to the end of the pontoons. Today, when she walked to the pontoon right as we bumped into a rock, and she fell in. After she fell in she started swimming towards the shore, but we called her, and she started to swim back towards the boat. Brandon pulled her into the boat by her handle on her life jacket. It was really funny to watch. 

My Little Garbage Dog

This morning when I woke up neither of my dogs were in the house to greet me which is very unusual since Tweakers hardly ever leaves the chair in the living room. I went to the bathroom and still they were both nowhere to be found. I looked out the window as I sometimes do in the morning, and I see something in the trash can. I had just put the lid on the trash yesterday because the lid had gotten blown down the street. The thing I see in trash can kind of looks like the top of Tweakers' head, but I think why would my dog be in the trash? I notice the object move, so I decide to go outside and find out what is going on. When I get out there this is what I see:

I have no idea why he was in there because he was just sitting there. He wasn't eating anything, just sitting. It was the most bizarre thing he's ever done. Even since Monday when he squeezed between this old ladies picket fence to play with her dogs. My dad had to go back and get him because he was in her yard sniffing the other dogs. I think because he lost weight he's become more adventurous like he was when he was a puppy.

Loud and Quiet

I received my first paycheck for the summer. It was over $1000. I didn't even work all of June because I was still in school, but still if the next paychecks are anything like this month's I might have a little more money than I expected. Also I think I'm going to apply for dining services for a job in college. It's a really simple application that I have to fill out, but it's a job right on campus which I think would be a good thing for me. Stay on campus more for the first quarter just to get used to the whole being five and half hours away from home in a huge city. I would have to arrive on campus five days early but I think that's okay. I'd have to work it out with my dad.
Sunday night there was a huge thunderstorm here. My dog P-Knut kept freaking out. I had to shut my window and turn on the AC so she wouldn't be able to hear the thunder. I don't think she cared too much for the lightning that was lighting up my entire room. I put a sheet over her head to get her to calm down. It seemed to work because she stopped barking.
Last Friday I also met Brandon's girlfriend's family. Apparently, they thought I was super quiet, which I guess helped Brandon out because he doesn't talk much either. Although I'm pretty sure I talk less than he does. It's rare for me to meet someone who's actually less talkative than I am. I normally don't even view myself as being that quiet of a person, but when I think about it I guess I am. I suppose I just like to observe those around me. It probably has to do with the fact that I spent so much time alone as a little kid, and frankly as a preteen, and a teen, and now. Maybe that will change in college, but I doubt it. I prefer to be alone. People wear me out. I feel like sleeping for a week after socializing with people. That's why I like my two dogs and my instruments.

Father's Day Weekend

The past weekend was kind of crazy. My brother Josh was in a car accident. The cop said he was lucky to be alive. He didn't have many injuries either just some cuts on his head, but he is very lucky that's all that happened to him. I'm glad he's okay. My dad and Brandon took him to the hospital on Saturday since Josh wouldn't go Friday night after the accident. The doctor couldn't do much for the cut on his head because most of the skin of the dead by the time he got there. I think he's going to see a surgeon to see if he can do something about it so he doesn't end up with a massive scar. It wasn't exactly a great start to Father's Day weekend for my dad, but I think Father's Day, itself, was a good day for my dad. Today was a bad day for my dad though. A shipment worth about $9000 has been lost so that doesn't bode well for the company neither do other certain aspects I don't know much about. I don't think my dad is going to be able to put much money towards my college tuition which is fine I never really expected him to anyways, but I also expected to have more financial aid and stuff like that. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point. I suppose I'll just starve through college. 

Ranting Lunatic

I had dinner with my mom last night. It was the usual debacle that it normally is. Before the night had turned to a disaster she gave me $200 to pay for my textbooks for college. I left it on her front porch after she locked me out of her house. I didn't really want it in the first place. It felt wrong after she treated me like a five year old which is why I left it at her house. Apparently, I hurt her by doing so which I'm happy I did. I guess being happy at my own mother's pain isn't what I should feel, but I don't really know what to feel anymore. She plays so many mind games with me that I can never figure out what in the world I should do. I was second guessing myself today on whether or not I should have kept the money because I really do need it. On the other hand I don't want money from someone who can tell me I'm an intelligent, talented, young woman, and I'm dumb ass who has been manipulated by my dad in one night. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Sure, I'd love it if my mom was normal, and she'd do the things with me that most moms do, but how the hell can I expect that from her without her later telling me how awful of human being I am? Every time she invites me over for dinner after she's gone months without talking to me I think maybe she's changed, but I know deep down she's never going to change. I just wish for once I could count on her to not make everything about her or about what a manipulative bastard my dad is. I want to get it through that thick skull of hers that she is the one who is messed up, not my dad, not my brothers, and not me. She is the problem, but she will never realize that. She told me today she's changed her email, and she's getting a new phone number, so I will never be able to contact her. I guess that's probably for the best anyways. I told her I was disappointed she still would have my number. That's not what I actually think, but who cares anymore? It doesn't matter. She won't be contacting me for probably another four years or better. She might come around when I graduate college, but how she'll know I'm graduating is beyond me. Although she does find out the most random things about people. 

Morning Dog Sickness

It's week two of my summer vacation. I have attempted to clean my room twice, and it still looks roughly the same it did before I started to clean it. Although now I have put my winter clothes in a suitcase because I'm not going to need them until I go to college in the fall. It hasn't really hit me yet that I'm going to college. Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm still not sure how I'm going to even pay for it.
Yesterday morning my wonderful dog that I love dearly threw up all over my bed. It would have been better if she had been sleeping at the foot of the bed, but she was sleeping right by my head. I ended up laying in it. I woke up at 4:00 AM to this splendid surprise. I had to wash her off as well as myself, and I had to put my sheets in the washer and throw away my pillow. I was supposed to get another pillow when I was at the store today, but I forgot as well as the Thank you cards I need to send out to everyone who gave me money for graduating. I tried to fall asleep on the couch after this whole fiasco, but my other delightful pet would not stop barking at whatever was going on outside. After my dad woke up did we discover that there was actually something not quite right with my dog that threw up everywhere. She couldn't walk straight, it was like she was drunk. It was kind of funny to watch try to run up the stairs. Since we had to go to work, my dad had Brandon and his girlfriend make sure she was alright and take her to the vet to get some fluids. She was much better when we picked her up later that day. My mom called me yesterday to figure out what time for dinner on Thursday. She clearly doesn't realize that the purpose of texting is so you don't have to make a phone call for simple little things like that. 

Graduation Day

Guess what? I finally graduated. "High school, how'd you do it?" The real question is how'd I manage not to majorly injure someone in the four years I was crowded in with a too small school for the amount of people that were in it. The building reached its maximum capacity every year. I don't feel any different just relieved that it's finally over. My mom did end up coming to the ceremony I was slightly surprised she did. She'd told me a few months back she might not come, so I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. I didn't go on my class trip which is perfectly fine with me I didn't really want to be stuck with those people for over 12 hours that's so extremely suffocating to me that I think I would have gone insane. Especially since they were going somewhere that was extremely boring. The only thing to do was swim, and I have too many self esteem issues to be seen in a swim suit in front of those people.
I did wind up with a total of about $385 from various people in the community and my family. I also received a set of luggage as well as a coffeemaker with coffee. I did better than I was expecting in the gift department of graduation. I haven't gotten my pillowcases from my aunt, but she'll probably give them to me during family rafting weekend. I know she's made them because she asked me what my school colors were, and everyone else has gotten the same thing from her. It will be nice to not have to wash my pillowcases that often. Plus she always gets cool fabric that has to do with your interests. They are always very thoughtful. So now the only things I'm going to need are a rain jacket, sheets, bedding, and towels. Also don't forget I need to somehow magically cover the rest of my tuition for the next four years. 

Detonator Yellow

TODAY WAS MY LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! I NEVER EVER HAVE TO GO BACK, except for graduation. The day I get to leave this town is the closest it's ever been, and I cannot wait! Of course, I will still return home during breaks and such, but I will not have to live here full time ever again. I am no longer a high school student. This is what I have been waiting for, since I was about 8 years old. Now the only thing I have to wait for today is for my dad to get home, so we can go eat. I'm so hungry right now, and I am not entirely sure why since I had donuts during school today, but I guess that was four hours ago.
My dad bought a new car over the weekend to replace the Xterra that he gave away because of the whole tires not staying on the car. The guy he gave it to didn't seem to mind that there has been two incidents where the tires have not stayed on the car like a normal operating vehicle. He said he just wanted something to drive to the grocery store, so it wouldn't be a complete disaster if the tire falls off as he's going 25 miles an hour. My dad ended up buying a Jeep Wrangler this time. The color of the new vehicle is called, "Detonator Yellow." The other night my dad was talking about the color of the car and ended up saying something about Jesus along the lines of, "Jesus has blue eyes and six pack abs." I said," And 'Detonator Yellow' hair," because my dad always says that the baby Jesus had blue eyes and blonde hair due to the line in the movie, "Talladega Nights."

Late Night Accident

I had an interesting night, last night. It started out with driving to the town where my dad works, and eating sushi with him, Sharron, and her daughter. We needed to waste some time before the concert we were going to an hour away. We were going to see Shakey Graves and The Barr Brothers at 9:00. We arrived a little bit early. The Barr Brothers were pretty awesome. I really liked the main guy's guitar playing. He's pretty incredible, especially with all the cool sound effects he does. I also really liked Shakey Graves' performance, but unfortunately we had to leave early. I was basically the only one able to stay up that late. Well, my dad I think would have been fine staying for the whole thing. Shakey Graves is also very amazing at playing the guitar, and his voice is spectacular. Before Shakey Graves came on my dad said, "'I have seen the future of Rock N Roll.' Bruce is going to come out in the middle of the performance, and pass the torch." With Bruce Springsteen growing older someone is going to have to take his place.
Anyways, after the concert my dad dropped us all off at his office, where Sharron, her daughter, and I had our cars parked. I was on my way home when the car started to wobble a little, so I slowed down and it stopped. I was only going 70 MPH when the wobbling started, and it stopped when I got down to 60. After it stopped I went at a steady 65. A few minutes went by, and all of a sudden the front left tire of my car fell off. I managed to remain surprisingly calm until after I got the car off the road and stopped. When I had gotten off the road I wasn't sure the car was going to stop, but it finally did. I immediately put my hazards on and the E-brake. I called my dad to tell him what happened. He asked me where I was, and I wasn't entirely sure because it was dark out. He asked me if I knew what happened to the tire, I didn't know that either. I honestly don't know how I kept my voice to keep steady because I almost started crying I'm not sure why. My hands were shaking pretty bad too. My dad finally came and picked me up. We got home around 2:00 in the morning. I couldn't fall asleep until at least 3:00 maybe later.

Last Lesson

Today was kind of a sad day. It was also miserably hot. I had my last violin lesson with the teacher I've had since I started playing the violin. I also had my last violin recital here. I doubt that I will play a solo on violin again, but I will play in the orchestra at my college when I go there. I gave my teacher a present today. It was a little silver violin pin. I also gave her card telling her how much I appreciate everything she has taught me as well as all the support she's given me. She asked me to tell her when my college concerts are, so she can come to them. She's moving over the summer, and she will actually be very close to where I will be. I'm excited to be going to college, but I'm sad that I won't have the same teacher. I'm going to miss everyone I have played with over the years. I wish they all could come with me to college, but that would be kind of weird having an entourage of middle-age and older adults following me around everywhere I go. Although at the same time it would be kind of interesting.
Today was also my dad's birthday. I sent him a picture of my dogs with a sign that said happy birthday on it. My birthday present to him was a poster that said, "Give a man and you feed him for a day. Don't give a man a fish and feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard." It's something Ron Swanson says in Parks and Rec. I thought it would be good to put in his office since he sells fishing flies and doesn't have anything on his walls.

Awards for All

We had the Scholarship Awards Night last night at our school. The whole thing was miserably long and terribly boring for the majority of us. I basically sat there and listened to the same four names get repeated over and over and over again. It was slightly annoying. Especially the ones who would say things like, "I've been waiting to get this scholarship to so-so for years now," or, "This award is for a senior who blah blah blah and it helps that they're a great babysitter." The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. It was amazing I even got one scholarship considering that my parents aren't active members of the community, and I haven't lived here my whole life like everyone else has. Also I don't play any sports, but apparently if you play baseball and football people want to give you tons of money, and if you're going to school in the same state as my high school which I'm not. It didn't even help that I'm part of the arts because of course this one guy in my class received all of those because he's going to the Boston Conservatory and everyone in my town is convinced he's going to be on Broadway someday. He's also very good at ass kissing which is not something I've ever been able to do because I have some dignity.
I did get a scholarship that I wasn't even sure if I applied for. I was zoning off when the guy was talking about the scholarship because I was positive I didn't get it, and all of sudden I hear him say my name, and it took me a second to realize that it was me he was talking about. I was finally able to join the other students up on stage even though over half of them were already up there. My heart was pounding so hard that I barely said thank you above a whisper. The other scholarship I received I thought I would get because I did know the person that gives it out every year. It's the scholarship my middle school band teacher gives, and since I still see him quite regularly and have kept on good terms with him I thought I had a really good chance at getting it. I was so happy when they announced my name for that one because it actually meant something to me to get it.

Bible of Violin

I woke up at 5:30 this morning that was not pleasant for me. Then I went to a very much waste of time,  Jazz Band rehearsal. There were only seven of us, and my band teacher tried to make me improv today, but there was no way in hell that I was going to randomly start improving after waking up an hour and a half earlier than I usually do. Also he has never tried to make me do improv before. I did however have a very pleasant violin lesson today with my teacher. She bought me Kreutzer as a graduation present. She is the sweetest woman ever. She told me Kreutzer is the bible of violin. She was a judge assistant to the first chairman of the Oregon Symphony when she was in college, and he had told she had to get Kreutzer because it's the bible of violin. I am so sad that last week is going to be my last lesson with her. I will miss her very much. She has been one of the best role models in my life, and I think my life would be very, very different without her.

Prom Night

I went to prom last night. Surprisingly, it was actually kind of fun. I went with my friends, so my "date" was a girl, but that was fine with me. Last time I went to a dance I went with my boyfriend and his friends, that was probably the most awkward night of my entire life. This time I felt ten times less awkward. I also looked nicer than last time because I had a better dress. We actually stayed for almost the whole thing, and then went back to my friend's house and watched Maleficent.
Today, I'm going to my grandma's house for Mother's Day. My aunt and her son will be there so will my older brother Josh. Brandon has to work today, so he doesn't get to go. I bought my mom a card and a candle and left it on her doorstep. I don't plan on her seeing her today partly because she's busy with all the First Communion crap today. She'll be at Mass and then off to one of her second grader's parties just like every other year. The other reason I'm not going to see her is I just don't really want to. She texted me at midnight Friday night, technically Saturday morning, and asked me if I was going to prom. Of all the times to ask me if I was going she picked midnight the night before prom. She could've asked me long before then, and actually made an attempt to be there to help me get ready or something. Instead I had to get ready at my friend's house with her mom and none of my parents which is okay I guess. It was just a little uncomfortable because they were getting out jewelry and stuff for me to put on, and my friend says to me, "It's okay. I know you don't have a mom to do this stuff with." I don't really know why she said that when I do have a mom, just not a mom who is very active in my life.

iWorld

My dad came home today and said, "Are you sure you're going to graduate?" I said yes with a puzzled look because I wasn't entirely sure what he was getting at with this question. I thought it might have to do with skipping school today, but I don't really have any classes to go to on Friday anymore since I took my AP exam. He asked this same question multiple times until finally he entered the house with a rectangular cardboard box. My new laptop had already come, and I was able to open it before I graduated. It's a Macbook Pro, so I'll be able to fit in with all the other college kids in Seattle. I have a complete iWorld now. I have an iPhone, iPad, iPod touch, and a Macbook. I'm such a cool kid. Not. I wish having Apple products alone was enough to make me cool, but alas in this world it requires much more than that. Oh well, I'll keep on being a looooooser. I've come to terms with it by now. Besides I'm not a loser just socially awkward.

Can't Wait for Summer

I just realized today it's been almost a month since I've been on here. So much crap has been happening: my dog almost died of cancer, I had my last concert for Gorge Strings and Sinfonietta, took an AP Calculus test this morning, my mom had a job interview I don't know what the outcome of it was, took a music theory proficiency exam for college( I needed a 90% got a 93% and I've never taken a music theory class in my life), learned about my dad's plans for his future record label (apparently he's going to make super group concert comprised of Shakey Graves, Benjamin Booker, and Courtney Barnett), wrote some songs, and wrote two essays, one about a monument honoring Bruce Springsteen and one about I Believe people talk too much. There was possibly a few things I missed out on, but I'm so unbelievably tired right now I can't remember. Oh yeah I also finished my stupid senior binder, that entire thing was pointless because I already know what I'm going to do for the next four years, sort of. I still don't know if I have gotten any local scholarships, but I was invited to some banquet for being in the top 10% in my class, I'm not sure how I'm still in the top 10%, but that's cool.
My dog was sick for a couple days, and the vet thought he might have cancer, but he only had pneumonia. Now he's hopping around on three legs for some odd reason. I have no idea why because his leg doesn't seem to hurt him.
At my last Sinfonietta, they honored my violin teacher because it was her last concert too. She then proceeded to thank people, and said that she had to recognize someone else who was leaving this year too which happened to be me. She made me stand up in front of all those people and told them that I was going off to college to study music. I was super embarrassed, and afterward my dad said, "I've never seen anyone look so uncomfortable in my life." I guess I should get used to being on stage since that is what I want to do for my career. I really wish that I had less social anxiety.

Too Much School

This last week I went to only three days of school because I went to a preview of the college I'm going to next year. Also Friday we didn't have school the end of the quarter so it was a grading day for teachers. On Tuesday, our principal decided to have a tardy sweep of course I was late. Part of this tardy sweep is you go to the attendance office and write your name on a piece of paper causing you to be even later for class. It makes tons of sense right? All of this is to give you detention for being late to a random class period, and they do this tardy sweep about every other month so the whole thing is kind of dumb. Especially if someone is rarely late and happens to be one or two minutes late. Later that day I went home to work on a paper and came back before lunch to print it off at the school. As I'm walking down the hall I get stopped by the same idiot subsitute who stops me in the hall every time he's there during the same class period. Tuesday, he asked, "have you been wandering the hall this entire time?" I said, "no, I just got here." He of course had to ask why I just got to school so I told him I had a free period and went home. He then left me alone. The whole thing was so irritating. I don't even know why that dumbass is allowed so much authority at our school when he doesn't even work there full time. I can't wait to graduate. It's less than two months away, but that's too much time for me. I am ready to move on. After the preview, I'm actually kind of excited to go to college.

Easter Daze

Easter was a long day with way too much consumption of nothing but ham and sugar. My nephew was here so we had to have an Easter Egg hunt with probably thirty eggs just for him. My Grandma was also here. She likes to get here early so she can walk the dogs. I had to work yesterday for the part of the day so everyone could go home early for Easter. When I was driving home I passed my grandma walking the dogs. It was kind of a funny site because my grandma is on the corner with my two dogs. My dogs are sniffing around and trying to pee while my grandma is trying to move along, but she stops just for them and waits. I don't know why she didn't just pull them after her like my dad and I do. To the truth my dad doesn't really use the leashes with the dogs. He puts the leashes on them but just let's them roam around while he listens to Wall Street Journal and drinks his coffee.
I had to dye to eggs for the egg hunt as well which I had forgotten to do until 9:30 at night. I still had to boil them when I remembered them. I don't know about anyone but back when we dyed eggs when I was a little kid we used to put the dye in a cup from a cupboard and put the eggs in that. I guess now they provide these little plastic-like foldable cups that look like half-sized female condoms. I couldn't believe they actually put those things in the egg dying kit. I threw them out immediately after I was done with the dye. Before I put dissolved the tablet in the water, I laughed for about five minutes at the site of my five half-sized female condoms. The only reason I know such things exist is because of Health class my sophomore year. I hadn't know so many forms of birth control were available until then. Most of which sounded completely disturbing to me. I don't like needles or having little pieces of plastic contained inside my body all the time. I remember when one of my friends got one of those birth control plastic stick things shot into her arm. It freaked me out the way she would move it around underneath her skin. I get that it's easier than remembering to take a pill everyday, but is it really worth it? I think I'd rather take a pill everyday.

Black Buggy

I went to the coast with my dad for a couple days. I just got back today. It was really fun and surprisingly sunny. We played Skee Ball, rented a pedal, found part of a pine tree and stood it up in the sand and decorated it with sand dollars. Ate way too much food as well but that's okay I'll be skinny someday or not that's okay too. On the way back we stopped at an Amish furniture store which was pretty interesting. We bought a wooden marble toy as well as a wooden loon that has leather feet that flap against the floor when you push it. My dad hadn't wanted to go, but I was curious. I thought it might have real Amish people there, but it didn't just a guy pretending to be Amish. My dad thought the owner's little boy was blind and kept saying his name was Malachi.
I have decided that Courtney Barnett is my new favorite female musician. She has some really good lyrics. She also has a sort of Nirvana sound. Anyway, I like her music I've been looking for a female songwriter that I feel I can connect with, and I finally found one thanks to the Rolling Stone.

Something is Amiss

I was driving home the other night after Sinfonietta, and I had a plastic water bottle that I was drinking out of because I am always super thirsty after playing for so long. I had set the water bottle back in the cup holder and picked up a few minutes later to another drinking. It started to drip all over my seat, so I turned on the light in the car to find out what was going on. I discovered there was a hole in the bottom of the bottle, and that a fishing lure was in the cup holder where I had previously placed the water bottle. After some thought I decided to put the water bottle in the coffee cup I had been drinking out of earlier that day. I went to take a drink this time with the support of the coffee cup. Having forgotten that I hadn't finished my coffee from that afternoon, my pants were soaked through with coffee too. When I got home I went to change my pants and saw I had been wearing white underwear so now my underwear has a large coffee stain on it.
In our town, a guy recently committed suicide after receiving eviction papers because his house was being foreclosed. The police heard gunshots from inside and brought in a bunch of manpower because they had no idea what was happening. There's video online of this little robot that has a camera on it, but it didn't seem to do anything useful. His house caught on fire, and they let it burn for quite sometime before putting out the fire. The two elementary schools near the house were on lockdown, one of the schools was where my mom works. I have no idea why the high school wasn't put on lockdown since you could see the house from the front of the school. Apparently, they don't care what happens to the high schoolers. I guess I can't blame them. Anyways, it turns out the guy had shot one of his dogs but not the other two or himself even though there were five gunshots. He set his house on fire and died of smoke inhalation. The whole thing was really messed up. Something must have been really wrong with the guy.

Sick Day

Being is sick is no fun. I went to school today for three classes, and went home before lunch. I was able to take a nap for a little bit around 1:00ish. I watched the Pink Panther Strikes Again to get me to fall asleep. Also it was one of the only things on TV. I am having awful luck as of late. My shoulder is still bothering, but I have a doctor's appointment set up now. It will be next Monday in the morning. I really hope this can be resolved easily. I have to be able to play for my last Sinfonietta concert ever. If I can't play for that concert I swear I will sink into a deep depression that will last until my shoulder is healed forever. Okay, I could be a little dramatic, but that's kind of my purpose in life to seek the dramatic side of life. I'm a musician we thrive on the ways of human kind.
So because of my being sick, Saturday I made myself a cup of tea to soothe my sore throat. I accidentally made it way too hot, so I rested it on my shoulder while lying on the couch. I hoped it might help relieve some of the pain instead I ended spilling the scalding substance on my chest. I have burn now, and it's blistering. I am honest to God just laughing at myself for how stupid that was of me. It's just one of the weeks where it seems nothing is going right, but instead of getting bogged down in it I'm finding it slightly humorous. Although I did receive good news today. I found out Mumford and Sons is releasing their new album on MAY 4th. I got so excited that I sent myself into a coughing fit that lasted way too long. I still am so excited for this. I just hope some other people release new music in the months to come. That would make me so happy if The Lumineers and Of Monsters and Men came out with some new stuff.

Musician Pain

I think I have to go to the doctor. I can't live with this pain in my shoulder. If it continues like it is right now I won't ever be able to play violin. I don't understand why it's getting worse. I've been stretching and trying to do things that should strengthen it, but it just keeps hurting. When I tried practicing this morning there was sharp pain in the front of my shoulder every time I lifted my bow. I can't live without being able to play violin. I have to play.
I also still have to finish my scholarship essays. I don't know how I'm going to get all of this stuff done, but I guess I'm going to have to. I would be less stressed out right now if the pain in my shoulder would just go away because I can't play while it hurt but I don't have the time to go to a doctor and find out what's wrong with it. I can't believe this is happening to me right now. I still have one more Sinfonietta concert left over not to mention these next few months are the only ones I have left with my violin teacher. I haven't taken a lesson from anyone besides her since I started seven years ago. I don't need my shoulder to be hurting right now. It sucks.

Alternate Universes

I was on my home today from my violin lessons at the music store when I saw an ex boyfriend of my mom's. I was driving downtown, stopped at a red light when I saw him. I felt like blowing the red light and hitting him with my car. He is one of those human beings that I truly believe is a waste of space on this planet. I guess you could say I haven't quite forgiven him for everything he did. In a way. I supposed I don't think he's worth the energy to put much effort into forgiving or loathing him so most of the time I ignore his very existence. Besides, I rarely see the man as it. Today was the first time I have seen him since my 8th grade promotion which was almost four years ago.
I sometimes wonder what my life would've been like if he'd never dated my mom. Would she be less crazy? I think she would. I think he exhausted what little remained of her sane moments. She didn't drink much before him. I remember the summer after they broke up she was making margaritas at home, and most mornings she had started drinking before I even woke up. Maybe things would have been different for my mom and I. Maybe we would be on better terms, but it's hard to tell. I wonder if in an alternate universe my mom is less crazy, and we are the almost perfect mother-daughter duo everyone once thought we were. I do think there are alternate universes, but what I'm most curious about is what I'm like in these alternate universes. Above all, what I want to know is what my family is like. I think if given the right chance we would all be closer as a family.

Too Much To Do

My audition last week went pretty well, I think. I felt it when better than I expected it too. I think I was one of the first people to audition this month. I know I was the first person that morning. I still can't believe how calm I remained throughout the whole thing. Normally, my limbs would have been shaking uncontrollably but that didn't happen at all. I did feel as if I was being bombarded with questions although that could have been because it was early in the morning, and I am not used to people actually taking an interest in my violin playing.
I have many things I should be doing right now, but I find myself very unmotivated at the moment. I had a weird day at school today. I actually socialized with more than five people. I think that's why I feel so exhausted. I was debating about going to the basketball game tonight but that would require me to put on a pair of jeans as well as leaving the house which I don't feel like doing. It would also mean putting off the things I need to get done this month that is a compelling reason to go but not compelling enough. Maybe I should drink a cup of coffee to get me to do something.

In Need of Repair

Yesterday, I came home from school to find my dog P-Knut with a piece of bread in her mouth. After disposing of the bread both of my dogs got in a fight. I had to separate them to get them to stop. They both retreated to their own corners. It took me a couple seconds to figure out that there was blood on the ground. I looked to see which one was bleeding, and it was Tweaks. I picked him put him on the counter to try and clean him up a little bit. I couldn't really do much since it was his nose that was bleeding. After tending to him, I put both of th dogs outside. I also had to clean up all of the blood in the living room.
Today, I had a relatively productive day. I fixed my electric guitar. The wires had disconnected inside. I used a rubber band to keep the wires in place so they would remain touching the metal. It's not that great of a repair, but at least now my guitar works. I do have to adjust the wires once in awhile to get it to work.
I haven't been able to eat much lately, either because of my audition coming up. My stomach feels like it's either going to throw up or tear itself away from the rest of my body. Sometimes, I wish I had been born with a stomach that wasn't so susceptible to anxiety. My bowel movements are very susceptible to anxiety as well. I have been having massive diarrhea all week my only hope is that I don't accidentally fart in the middle of my audition although that would be kind of funny in a sad way.

Performance Anxiety

Sorry, it's been awhile. I have massive performance anxiety right now. I have an audition this weekend for a music scholarship. I haven't had to perform on the violin by myself in ages. At least, the pieces are picked are good ones in my repertoire. Still, I haven't been able to eat a lot, and I even had problems going to the bathroom today. I went to the restroom during lunch at my high school, but there were other people in there as well including a girl I used to be friends with in middle school. Anyways, I ended up having to use the stall right next to her, and I wasn't able to start peeing until she had started washing her hands. God, I hate public bathrooms because everyone can hear you pee so it's so awkward for people like me. I start freaking out that people will think I'm taking a poop because it's taking me so long to start peeing or they will think I'm hiding out in the bathroom like a weirdo. This is why public bathrooms should have soundproof stalls for those of us with performance anxiety. Although, I would probably never leave the bathroom if the stalls were soundproof.

Cats are Evil

My recent assignment in my English is to write a cause and effect paper that is due tomorrow. It needs to be between 3,000 and 5,000 words so far I have 958. My topic is Toxoplasma Gondii, a parasite found in cats. Since, I am currently stuck for what else to write in my paper I will give a brief summary of exactly this parasite does. Toxoplasma is spread through cat feces, and it will take control of mammals' brains even humans. Rats are affected in a weird way. The parasite increases the dopamine levels in the reward part of the brain when a rat smells cat urine. Normally, a rat would be afraid of cat urine, but when infected the rat will be aroused at the scent of cat urine. This is because the parasite can only reproduce sexually inside the cat's stomach. The rat's arousal at cat urine makes it easier for cats to catch their prey, rats. Humans have a change in personality. Men are suspicious and jealous and gain a disregard of rules. Women become the exact opposite, they become more friendly, trusting, and increase their regard of rules. Both genders have a decrease in seeking new experiences and will stay home more often than those who are not infected. That's just a little bit about the parasite there's a much more in depth explanation here: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/03/how-your-cat-is-making-you-crazy/308873/
I found it completely fascinating how Toxoplasma is so specific in how it controls an animal's brain. I should probably get back to my essay.

Confrontations

I for some reason decided that it would be a grand idea to start taking over my life. Unfortunately, I think I tried to take on too much at once. I tried to take out two problems tonight, and so far neither one of those problems is going well. This is probably why I should sleep on things before attempting confrontation. I might actually formulate a plan before. I also did my confrontations that wussy way over texting, but there is a reason for that too. Both the people I decided to express my thoughts to
are people I can only contact through texting. One of them was my mother, she's always a tough one no matter how you try to talk to her, but I do really need the money from my bank account that is in her name too because of child-parent crap. I have a large sum of money in that account that will be extremely helpful for college which is just a huge ball of anxiety that I'm trying not to think about yet. I really need to get a grip on my social anxiety or I fear I may be alone for all eternity, but then again that might not be so bad.

New Year's Woe

I'd say I have a New Year's resolution, but it's not really. I decided I need to get in shape (such a cliche resolution anyways) before I go off to college since I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going to go. I will most likely be moving to the city for college which absolutely terrifies me. Never have I ever lived in a city. I've lived in the same county my entire life and it's population is less than a city. My county has approximately 25,000 people living in it. Where I want to go to college has about oh 652,000 people that's over 25 times as many people. I'm going to have my handy dandy pepper spray though thanks to my dad who's been obsessing over where I keep it. I have it in my room because I don't need to take it to school with me where there are only a thousand people, and none of them hate me as far as I know or have a desire to attack me. Besides the hallways are too damn crowded for that type of thing to happen. Unless, we have a school shooter in which case my pepper spray would be completely useless. My sophomore year they did find a shell for some sort of a gun I don't remember what exactly. They cancelled the assembly and the dance that week right before Christmas Break, but they didn't cancel school. My dad told me to stay home from school that day because he thought it was stupid that they weren't cancelling school and figured it wasn't really important for me to go that day anyways. I heard that hardly anyone was there. There was probably five people for each class that day. They also had policemen patrolling the school that day as well. So you see they might as well have cancelled school.
Anyways, the reason why I'm trying to get in shape is so that I have a better chance of getting out of a situation if need be. My mom once told me some really high percentage of women that get sexually assaulted by the time they're forty. I was probably 10 years old when she told me this. The likelihood of me being sexually assaulted at the age were very slim except during the summer time when I was around guys in their twenties quite a bit. My mom worked for a whitewater rafting company, and all their guides were in their twenties and were almost always hungover. All they did was drink and do drugs, but that was after work of course. My brother recently told me that some of the guides would say shit like, "Cynthia's daughter is so hot," little did they know they were talking to my brother who would get pissed off because I was waaay too young for them so it was extremely creepy that they would even think that. Now I think I know why I'm so screwed up when it comes to guys. My mom either made me paranoid that they were going to rape me or surrounded me with creeps that she thought were normal. That's some good parenting right there.