Forgiveness

Today, I think I finally have figured out why I haven't been able to forgive my mom after all these years. She's the biggest why my whole reality exists the way it does. Not only did she pass onto me her insecurities, but she blew up any sense of family that could have potentially existed in my family. Instead she projected all her inner demons onto all of us, and I've been left with the aftermath for the foreseeable future. That's not to say that all the issues in my family are due to my mom, but she was the catalyst for most of it. In theory, she's really the one who ditched my family, not my dad. I remember her always trying to have me see it that my dad was the one who left us, just because he physically left our home, but he didn't leave us entirely. He still provided for my mom, my brothers, and I. He still managed a presence in our family. My mom, on the other hand, was still in the house, but she ditched mentally and emotionally from our lives. I became the responsible one the minute my dad left. That's not to say that my mom didn't feed me or make sure my basic needs were taken care of, but she left me. She left me, and made me figure out everything for myself. She left me, and she still hasn't returned in the capacity that she should have. In actuality, I can't remember a time when my mom was present the way she should have been when I needed her the most. I've been angry at her all these years for it, but never knew the true reason. 

Feeling Vulnerable

Vulnerability is a funny thing. People accept vulnerability if they have a sense of love and belonging, but love and belonging come from being vulnerable first. That is, if your family doesn't provide a sense of love and belonging first, but if a person is born into a family that gives them a feeling of love and belonging, then they find themselves accepting vulnerability. This is funny to me because the people who need a sense of love and belonging the most don't have it, and then are uncomfortable with being vulnerable and are unable to find love or a feeling of belonging. So, then, the big question becomes how does one find worthiness in themselves if all a person is receiving in life is the message that they are not good enough? How does one overcome this looming presence of loneliness in order to not be lonely? How does someone begin to love them self if all the people that are supposed to love them just don't care?