The Other Side

I'm beginning to realize that most people want people they can argue with, stereotype, and say that they're wrong. People want to think that the people they agree with are the right people. People like controversy no matter how much they say they want peace. They want something to argue for and argue with. Drama is what people thrive on not your average daily life. They want something to complain about. They want to say that no matter what the other side is always wrong. The other side is stupid. The other side is the complete opposite of what they are. But is that "other side" all that different? The other side has people with beliefs no matter how stupid you find their beliefs. The other side wants something to argue. The other side is just the same as your side. You could be friends with someone from the other side and never know, because the thing that's not important is what your side your from. The other side could contain that one person you've been searching for your entire life, but you wouldn't know because they're from the other side.

Man, Fish, and Whale

I recently had a discussion about Moby Dick in my English class. For some reason everybody seemed to think the white whale represented all things that are good. I would have to disagree. First of all why does the whale have to represent anything? If it does have to represent something why does it have to represent goodness and Captain Ahab be evil? I think the whale is evil and Captain Ahab is good. Captain Ahab had a dream to kill the white whale. It was his passion to kill the white, and he died in his attempt to kill it. The whale was evil, because he didn't need to kill Ahab or anyone else. The whale could have just swam down below the surface where no one could get him, but he chose not to. The whale took down the whole ship and everyone else out of spite. In all seriousness Ahab was the hero of the story, and Moby Dick was the villain. 

We also discussed the Old Man and the Sea. If you think about it Moby Dick and the Old Man and the Sea are almost the same story. The old man could have been happy with just his albacore, but instead he chose to go after the marlin. He cut the albacore loose to catch the marlin. Ahab cut the whales loose after finding out where the white whale was. Both men had something they thought was better to go after and went after it. In the end neither one of them got what they wanted. Ahab died and the old man's fish was eaten by sharks. They both strove for something better and failed. 

Past, Present, and Future

"I'm scared of what's behind and what's before," has to be one of my favorite song lyrics written by Marcus Mumford. It's one hundred percent accurate for me, because I don't like thinking about my past, and my future is completely undecided. I know that being a junior in high school I should have something figured out for college, but I don't have a clue about where or what I want to do for college. Everyone has their own idea of what they want me to do, but I don't want to do what they want. I want to go somewhere far away, but I'm not sure if I'm up for that challenge. I've never lived anywhere besides the place I live now, and it's really small. A big city will be so different compared to where I live, and yet I don't seem to care. I still want to try, because I'm afraid if I don't I won't ever leave here. If I don't leave here I'll go insane due to my family that is insane. I don't like my past, present, and the future is unknown. I hope the future will be better, and I can try to make the best out of the present but that's all I can do.

Endings aren't Really Endings

I've always wondered what happens after the ending of a movie even ones with happy endings. No one ever knows if that happy ending turns out bad. What if the happy couple ends up getting divorced ? Or maybe they never have kids and stay married until death? The point is that you never really know. You could take any section from a person's life and it could have a sad or a happy ending depending in where you begin and where you end. The ending of a movie is never really the ending. The story is continous no matter what the audience is allowed to know. Everyone always gets mad when a movie ends on a cliff hanger but what people don't realize is that every ending is a cliffhanger. There's still more to come after the movie is over.

Loss

I finally found out why my brother, Josh is here. It turns out Josh was contemplating suicide. He didn't want to come here but my dad made him. I'm scared to think of what might have happened had my dad not brought him here. I don't think I could imagine my life without my brother. I know I don't see him much but knowing I would never see him again would be too much to bear. He has been such an important part of my life. I really hope he doesn't ever actually do it. From a conversation I overheard the other day between him and my dad it sounds like he started seeing a therapist which is good.
Not only am I afraid of losing Josh, but I'm also afraid of losing my best friend. She's been distant as of late. Whenever I do to talk to her it's all about her boyfriend. Last night she was walking around town at ten o clock at night. She ended up at my other friends, and she cried hysterically for fifteen minutes about how hard her life is. When she says her life she means her boyfriend's life. She's become way too attached to him. She hardly hangs out with me anymore because of it. She told me the other day that I could spend the night at her house because her boyfriend would be out of town. I told her it was sad we had to wait until her boyfriend was out of town for us to hang out. She said that wasn't the reason, but we might as well take advantage of the opportunity. I think it might be time to find some new friends. The only person who really seems to know or care what's going on with me is my guy friend. We've been hanging out a lot more lately due to the lack of presence of my best friend. Unfortunately, we feel the need to keep it secret from my best friend that we're hanging out more, because she might freak out like she has previously. She used to really like him and seems to get really jealous when we hang out. It's all so ridiculous. I can't wait to be out of high school.

Wake Up Call

Every once in awhile everyone needs a "wake up call." I received a much needed one from my brothers last night. I appreciated the wake up call even though it came from the mouths of intoxication. I had a long night with my older brothers, Brandon and Josh. Brandon gave me a much needed lecture even though it wasn't that long. He knew I needed considering I don't really have anyone else to tell me what he told me. He told me that I needed to make a guy work for me that I couldn't just be giving in to anyone. He said that his girlfriend was really hard to get, and he appreciated that. He also told me that once a girl hits the double digits for guys she's slept with she becomes undesirable. He said once I hit 25 I could be at ten but before then that's not okay. I really needed someone to tell me. Being seventeen already and having the summer I did I need to start playing hard to get. I mean understand there are some girls who play hard to get way too much that it's just obnoxious and no one wants to put up with that, but there's the other extreme being way too easy. There is a happy median between the two, and it's better to be closer to the extreme of being obnoxiously hard to get than on the side of being too easy. In my life so far I've been on the side of being too easy, and I need to stop being on that side.
I was also told that I was more "manly" than both of my brothers which I guess it kind of true. I am not as emotional as they are or rather I choose not to show my emotions as much as they do. I'm not sure what the reasoning is behind that. I know they both have anger problems that I don't have which has to do with the fact that they had to see my parents fight more than I did, but I still saw my fair share of fighting that should have made me have anger problems too. I guess it probably has to do with that I'm a girl and have less testosterone levels to make me angry, but that doesn't explain my lack of emotions altogether compared to them. I guess I just have different genetics or perhaps that I grew up differently than them. I saw a different side of my mom that they didn't see and that they don't have clue about. They even apologized to me last night for leaving me with our mom alone and the responsibility of being the last one to live with her. I was left the position of being our mom's caretaker, and they don't understand how horrible that role is. How emotionally draining it was for me to be mom's sole friend that she relied on without realizing how much she relied on me. I have a feeling that when I moved out it didn't hit that hard, because she still had a boyfriend. Now that she doesn't have a boyfriend she's probably realizing how much really needed me, and I'm not there. I'm sure that's why she tried contacting me recently, but I shot her down. I once again left being responsible for our mom's mental and emotional health. If she someday commits suicide I won't be able to deal with it, because I know I'll feel responsible for her death.

Me, my brother, and Halloween

Two days ago my dad came home with my brother that he went down to see. My brother was unusually quiet for himself that night. So far he's been more talkative but he's still not quite himself. He's been nice to me not that he isn't nice to me, but he hasn't called me faggot once since he's been here. He's been oddly encouraging to me and hard on himself. I don't what has caused this change, but I am concerned about him.
Yesterday was Halloween, of course. I think it was probably the most awkward Halloween I've ever had. It started out nice, I had a good day at school, carved pumpkins with my brother, saw my nephew, and all that. Then I go to pick up my friend and her boyfriend, and my night begins it's series of awkward events. My friend and her boyfriend get in the car, and they both just start yelling at each other about the plans for the night. I don't even know what's going on I just keep driving waiting for them to stop. At some point they do so I start talking and making jokes to relieve the tension. This works until we get to my friend's house, and she asks me to leave her room so they begin fighting with each other again. Finally, I'm let out of the bathroom, and we end up going to City Park to hang out with the losers of our town.
While we're there I end up swinging, and some guy pushes me on the swing. This guy ends up touching my ass multiple times. I didn't know what to do, eventually he ends up pushing someone else. My friend ends up going over to talk to her boyfriend thinking I was following her, but I wasn't. I end up getting left with these random guys one of which thinks I'm super pretty. After a few awkward exchanges of conversation with this guy that finds me very pretty, my friend comes back to save me realizing who she'd left me with.
That was the biggest awkward event of the night, but the best part about yesterday was I dressed up as Walter White, and I carved the Heisenberg drawing in my pumpkin. My pumpkin was pretty awesome.