Christmas in a Nutshell

It's funny looking back on the posts that I wrote last year. In so many ways I'm much the same, but I'm different too. I've grown up a little. I have less anger about myself. I can now laugh at the experiences I've had in my life. I still feel like I have a void inside me, but I think that will always be there. Same with the darkness inside me. I'm starting to realize that there are others out there who have darkness inside them too at least the characters on TV do. I think the people in this life who aren't boring are the ones who have a darkness inside. It all stems from a dysfunctional family I think. I spent the last four days with my dysfunctional family. It wasn't too bad I've had worse Christmases, but sometimes I wish that my brothers weren't such assholes. The two of them combined have always made me feel like I don't belong. I think the only person who kind of does make me feel like I belong is my dad because we share the same interest in music. I have the ability to create music while my dad has the ability to appreciate good music.
These past few days, I understood just how ready I am to move on with my life. I already have been accepted to my top choice for college and received a scholarship from that same school. So I already have at least a quarter of my college paid for as long as I keep my grades up. I still have to audition which will hopefully get me more money plus there's more scholarships I can apply for. Hopefully, by the time I'm ready to go I'll have most of it paid for. My dad said after all my scholarships and I still have about $4,000 left, that he'd pay the rest of it. It will probably piss of my brothers but who cares. There's only one of me in college, and my dad has more money now so it will be easier. Also, I actually have an interest in going unlike my brothers. They both were put on probation in college and almost dropped out. I have worked hard to be able to go to a nice school. Ooh and my dad informed me that the new studio that they're building should be finished in January. I can't wait! I was hoping it would be finished while I was there but now it will be finished in a month. It's going to be so exciting being able to record in a brand new studio or at least learn everything about music technology in a new studio.

Snowflakes in the Hall

Yesterday, at school the staff put every student's name on a snowflake and put the snowflakes on the halls around the entire school. You would not believe how much time everyone spent looking for their names. I swear it was like watching little kids on an Easter egg hunt. One of my friends found mine. We're supposed to take our snowflake down when we find them, but I told my friends I'm going to leave mine up so it's the last one. It was rumored that we get a prize if we turn our snowflakes, but no one was certain about that.
Apparently, we get a Christmas card in the mail every year from these people we don't know. The card is intended for the people who lived here previously, but they moved out three years ago. My dad looked at the card this year and said, "Hey, that kid is new," so I guess they've had a baby since last year. He made other comments too like, "The kids look so much older than last year." This is coming from the man who couldn't figure out that I was walking with the same girl out of the school for a whole week. He has a slight condition of, "face blindness," I swear.

2048

I was playing the game 2048 over the weekend. I often play that game when I'm bored or waiting in line. My dad noticed me playing 2048 for the first time this weekend which I found odd considering I've had the game since last school year. He kept asking to play the game on my phone, but I was in the middle of a round and didn't want to hand it over until I lost. I finally let him play, and afterwards he decided to get the game on his phone. He played 2048 all yesterday. He got up around 10:00 played the game until around 5:00 taking only a half hour break. Today, he texted me saying he put the game on his iPad, so everyone would think he was doing inventory. I told him he needs to stop playing that game or else he'd have to go to the AA meetings across the street.

Too Much Peopling

I don't know about the rest of the schools in the country, but my school decided to have the entire week of Thanksgiving off. Normally, we go to school Monday and Tuesday and have the rest of the week off but not this year. No, apparently, we need a whole week to spend time with our stupid families. Luckily for me, I don't have to see anyone until tomorrow. My dad said that this year we're going to stay longer than every other year. I am very disappointed to hear this.. I don't like being stuck in my grandma's house with twenty or so other people. It gets really warm really fast. Not to mention I don't really feel like stuffing my face with food for a whole day. I'm in the business of being healthier and hopefully will lose some weight. I don't want to eat so much food that will make me fat.
The good news is that I don't have to suffer through a Christmas party being held at my house. My dad and his girlfriend were planning on having a party with everyone from the office at our house. I was not excited about that because that would require me to socialize with more people. My dad said I could have helped his girlfriend make the food which probably would have been my best bet, but I still would have had to eat with everyone else. I suggested that I eat upstairs since I table could fit everyone but me. He said they would add a little card table one the end for me. Instead of doing all that it's not going to happen because the party is not going to take place. Yay for me!

That One Guy

I went to a concert the other night with my dad, Sharron, and her daughter. We went to see the Hard Working Americans because of Todd Snider. It was a good concert but the air in there was incredibly un breathable. The size of the venue was small to begin with and combined with the people smoking weed and dry ice my throat was dry all night. I had a hard time talking the next morning.
Anyways, there's always that one guy at a concert who happens to be a huge asshole. That guy also was kind of a creep. After the opening band my dad and I were standing waiting for the concert. Sharron and her daughter were in front of us. This guy started leaning on me. At first I thought he just bumped into me, but when I moved away he kept leaning on me. My dad says, "hey do you mind?" He turns around walks to stand right in front of me. I didn't know what to do so I just took a step back, and he still is just standing there. My dad starts getting pissed off and starts yelling at the guy. The two of them are arguing when Sharron turns around. She realizes what's going and stands between the guy in me. Her daughter moves behind her. Sharron starts fighting with the guy as well after myy dad pushed him. Sharron pushes the guy a couple times too. Finally, the guy leaves us alone. My dad said to me, "Sharron was like Amico barking at Rocky." Rocky is a big lab that got scared of my little toy poodle Amico. Later in the middle of the show the guy gets kicked out after multiple people complaining about him. When we were leaving the parking garage we saw that guy and his buddy just standing there.

Lockdown Groper

The other day I was in health class when over the intercom our secretary told us it was time for a lockdown drill. Our teacher said we should hide behind the two projector screens. We did as we were told. He then proceeded to turn off the lights which left us in complete darkness since the classroom is in the basement of the school with no windows. Now this provided an awkard situation. Twenty students, male and female, pressed against each other in the dark out of sight from the teacher. Unfortunately I was packed next to two guys and a girl. One of the guys groped my sides. Now I know you might think this was an accident, but I can tell a simple brush across the side compared to a feel up of the female waist. This groping can be disguised as an attempt to tickle the female subject as a cover for what is ultimately being accomplished. I was "tickled" on both of my sides and can only assume the source from whence it came. I think it was a guy I have been conversing since the beginning of the year. He and I have two classes together and we sit next to one another in both of them. I have a sneaking suspicion that he likes me and that could make things awkard for future encounters.

Applications

Monday night, I turned in two of my college applications. I'm happy to have that over with. The only thing I have left to do is send my transcripts, and I will be completely done. Then I'll just have to wait patiently for a reply. I'm so nervous about it. I also am waiting for a response from the video auditions I turned into an organization. I have no idea what that response will be. If I do happen to get a good reply it will hopefully include a week of working with professionals and some scholarship money. These are the only things I have to look forward to as of right now because school is irritating beyond belief, and stupid Halloween is tomorrow. I have the day off from school tomorrow so I'll probably spend most of the day practicing Wagner's Tannhauser Overture and Brahms' 2nd Symphony. I should actually be at school for lunch right now with my friend, but I don't really feel like hanging out with her today. She told me yesterday that her mom thought it would be funny if Tia invited me over while her mom was out of town and tell me that her mom had counted the amount of alcohol she had before she left. I don't really see the humor in that. I don't drink, and I probably won't drink that much when I turn 21. My brothers and my mom all drink way too much so I don't have much of a desire to be like them. I know I'll have the ability to not be like them because my dad doesn't drink that much. He occasionally has wine in the winter, and beer while he's rafting but that's it. He doesn't find that need to get drunk on a regular basis like my mom and brothers.

The UPS Man Stole It

Monday evening I was watching TV or something like that. When the UPS man delivered a package to our door. I was the only home, and I thought to myself, "I'll bring the package in when I go get the mail." Later, I get the mail and forget to bring the package in. The next morning, I'm running out the door because I was late for school. I notice there isn't a package by the lower door of my house even though the UPS man brought it the day before. I start to panic. If that package is gone then my life is over was what was going through my head all day. That package most likely contained thousands of dollars worth of fishing flies for my dad's company, and I forgot to bring the damn thing inside. I'm going to be filleted come Wednesday evening when my dad comes home. All day I'm preparing myself for my death the next day. I go to the office before rehearsal because Brandon and his girlfriend left a bunch of stuff at my house. I tell Brandon about the missing package. He informs that he had the package rerouted to the office. I felt so much relief after he told me that, but I was slightly pissed off that he did after I had spent the whole day worrying, thinking I'd lost the company thousands of dollars. I was planning my death, but now I'm able to speak of my almost death experience. In reality though I did almost die once. I jumped into our pool when I was two or three without my water wings, and Brandon had to save me from drowning. My parents had no idea what was going, so I was lucky that Brandon was paying attention to me.

Festival Weekend

I had an unusual weekend. First of all, my brother and his girlfriend were all weekend, and I was able to see my nephew. I liked that part of my weekend. On Saturday, I had to play at the Harvest Fest with the Jazz band just outside of town. My mother was there with my nephew. We didn't play so well which isn't surprising. We're pretty bad this year due to the massive amount of freshmen. Later that evening I was blessed to receive an email from my mother saying how rude I was to her and my nephew. Lecturing about my relationship with him. He's two years old I'm pretty sure he wasn't offended by my supposed rudeness. I was also told that I do not understand how "to love and be loved," which is a "simple concept," according to her. God, I wish she would disappear and leave me alone forever. She is so irritating.
Sunday was abnormal too. I went to play with this small string group at a different festival a half an hour from here. This lady who is probably in her 50's or 60's asked me to give her a ride to Home Depot where her husband could pick her up. They had been on vacation up until the concert, so he dropped her off and went home. I drove her the 30 miles to Home Depot which wasn't a problem since Home Depot is on my way home.
All in all it was a very abnormal weekend. I didn't even work on my application for college. I should be working on it now, but I'm stalling. I want my dad to look it over before I decide to make any changes to my essay.

I'm an Adult (Legally)

I just had my 18th birthday the other day. It was a good day. I took for my dogs for a walk by the river, put new strings on my guitar, had multiple wish me happy birthday, and went to the city for the evening. My dad took me to Powell's bookstore and Doc Marten's. Afterward, we went to meet my brothers and Tiffany for dinner. While driving around trying to find the restaurant my dad and I came up with the theory that Tom Petty must have written the song "Waiting is the Hardest Part," while waiting for the waitress to bring his complimentary bread. That's always the worst part about eating out is having to wait for them to bring you food while your stomach is grumbling from the lack of nutrition. We managed to have a pleasant dinner with zero casualties. I believe dinner is the shortest timeframe my family to be together at all once without arguing. Either way I'm glad that my birthday went so well. Occasions like that usually go badly.

A Little Adventure

I went to my mom's house the other day. It ended up in a routine fight. I sometimes wonder why I even bother going over there. It's impossible to forgive the things she done. I'm not sure why I suppose it has to do with the fact that she shows no remorse, She doesn't realize the damage she's done. It's not like she's gotten any better when it comes to not being hurtful. She said, "fuck you," as I left the other night. I had said that living with her had been really hard so I guess I deserved.
After I left I went down to the docks. "The docks" is really only one little wooden dock and a giant concrete walkway above the river. I decided to take a little side adventure though along the riverbank to a part that juts out into the river. Normally, it would be impossible to get over there, but the river is really low right now. I went all the way out there stepping into ankle deep mud. Most of it was impossible to cross, but I found a log to throw in the mud so I walk get over it. Once I got out there though I saw a tent farther back in the brushes. There were two men making a fire as well. I thought briefly of trying to find a different way back but realized that was a stupid idea since one of the guys started walking in the direction I was going to. I ended up going back the way I came. I didn't really want to them to see me. They were a lot bigger than me plus I was alone on a secluded part of town. Besides they were homeless so they were probably crazy. Anyways, it was in my best interest to get out of there, I felt slightly exhilarated afterwards. It was the closest thing I've had to some sort of an adventure since freshman year when I ran away from home. I kinda wish it was the old days or that I could have some sort of adventure in my life that didn't require scaring the crap out of my parents. I guess I'll get to have adventures when I'm older. Although I should probably learn some ninja-type stuff before then,

Peter Pan's Dog

It's amazing to me how my dog still loves me. I recently decided to attach some leaves to his collar, and he waited patiently as I did so. This was the outcome:

He looks so adorable like he could be Peter Pan's dog. His leaves stayed on over night surprisingly enough.

Today, I went to a bluegrass festival about a half an hour from where I live. It was tons of fun. I went my friend and her mom. I even went to the homecoming game last night. I think it makes my dad happy when I go out and do teenager stuff. I only participate in school activities because it does make him happy. It's not that he doesn't like me being my own person, but I think it's more of I'm actually getting out of the house once in awhile. I think he gets worried about me staying at home with nothing but my own thoughts to listen to. I don't blame him. Leaving me alone with my thoughts for too long is an extremely bad idea.

New Kid

I made it through the first full week of my senior. I already feel exhausted and wish the school year was over. I don't want to go school or do any of my college applications. I wish it was all over already. I just want to be in college having skipped this year entirely.
My friend Tia and I started eating lunch with the new kid, his name is Chris. He's a senior from the school that I was going to go to this year but could not. Chris seems alright, but I don't know him well enough to make a full assessment of him. It would be easier know who used to hang out with before he came here. He is in band and takes nerd classes so he can't be that bad.
I'm still talking to Henry. My friend Tianna wants us to be friends with benefits. I don't want that. Henry does, I think. He wants to hang out Monday I'll find a way to get out of it or hang out for a little bit then go home. It's hard for me to find the time to hang out on school days. I have homework every night, and I've started making dinner on Mondays and Thursdays. Tuesdays I have Gorge Strings and Sinfonietta. Thursdays I have lessons from 3:00-5:15. Mondays and Wednesdays are the only days I have that I can do homework. I'll tell him around 5 that I have to go home so I can start dinner. I do normally start dinner around that time. I'm hungry by that time, and my dad usually gets home a few minutes after I finish making dinner. I really don't want to hang out with Henry at all for a number of reasons. I don't even know why I'm talking to him. I guess I'm lonely and want someone to talk to. I don't know. I kinda feel like a zombie right now. Almost as if I'm not the one living my life. Someone else is.

1 Year Anniversary

I would just like to say that today is my one year anniversary since I started this blog. I went back and read my very post today: http://staholbrook.blogspot.com/2013/09/winter-season-of-dead-things.html
My dad does have a dark sense of humor, but I have found that, I, myself have been growing a darker sense of humor just over the last year.
Anyways, back to present day. Last night I went and saw The Avett Brothers. Absolutely fantastic and I think way better than the first time I saw them. Not that the first wasn't amazing but this time had more energy probably due to the fact that it was outside. Tianna was supposed to go with us, but she couldn't so much drama in her life brought an anxiety attack. I don't know why anyone would forego a chance to see The Avett Brothers. I know I wouldn't. We ended uo taking my brother's girlfriend instead. I think she had fun besides the guy that kept inching in front of her because he was so drunk. Some lady behind me kept jumping around, and she ended up running into me. She was kind of annoying. Occasionally, I could feel her hair brush against me which honestly I think is one the grossest things ever. Some girl in my health class on Friday has hair extensions, and she kept getting her hair on my desk where my arm was. God, it was disgusting.

End of Summer

I had a fantastic weekend to end the summer. I went camping Friday night with my dad and the usual people we camp with. My dad had me drive the Xterra with the boat hitched to the back, and had me back the trailer into the river. A slightly frustrating experience to say the least. The weather was kinda bad this weekend not the nice sunny days that I enjoy. Tianna and I saw The Head and The Heart in concert last night which was positively amazing, fantastic, wonderful, beautiful, and so many other words that I can't even think of. They are so brilliant in concert. I love their albums, but the concert was so much better than their albums. I wish I could go to another concert tomorrow that would make me so happy. I really wanted to shirk my responbilities and just follow them for the rest of their tour. Unfortunately, I am not able to do that. I'm excited for next weekend too because I get to see the Avett Brothers, and they possess the most beautiful voices in the entire world. I can't wait to be completely done with school, so I can throw myself further into music. I want to learn as much as I possibly can, and I want nothing more than to meet my idols in music and just get the chance to work with them. I can't think of anything that would make me happier than to play just one song with each band that I love so dearly.

Woo

I've been working for my dad all summer, and recently he hired a new guy. The new guy is my dad's best friend's son. My dad and his best friend used to take all of us kids camping to go fishing. Out of their kids combined there are five. I am the youngest and the only girl. Now the guy my dad hired I have recently started referring to him as "The Rapist," only in my mind head of course, because he sounds like he's going a rapist when talking to customers on the phone. Also he keeps asking me what I do over the weekend and trying to talk to me when he and I are the only ones in the office. I guess most people would just consider him trying to make small talk, but I prefer to let my mind come up with all these weird scenarios. It keeps me entertained while doing mindless work.
I also cut my hair really short just yesterday. My hair had grown just past halfway down my back now it's basically a pixie cut. I like my short hair, but it's taking some time to get used to it. I think it makes me more attractive than before probably because it makes me stand out more instead of having your routine boring long haired teenage girl. I'm going to have to make some changes if I want to survive this last year of high school since I only have one really close friend left at the high school, and she is extremely sheltered so she's a bit out of touch with reality. I only have four and a half classes for the whole year meaning I'll have quite a bit of free time on my hands to do basically nothing until it comes time to apply for colleges and scholarships. Woo.

That Girl

I'm sinking into a shell of a human being. My mind is occupied with miserable thoughts that won't let me be. I'm pretty sure I'm friendless right about now because people make plans and either forget that they made plans or cancel or just plain ignore me. I want the school year to start to get me away from myself but I also don't want to face the harsh reality of going through my senior year with the only friend that I have left. She's really not much of a friend because she is very sheltered and hardly leaves her house. There's certain things she doesn't understand which makes it difficult to talk to her. I have no clue what I'm going to do this year but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. Although I can't ignore the fact that I have this building anxiety in me. Socializing is starting to freak me out more than it used to or it could be the same amount. I don't really know. I do know that I just have to get through this year. After that I can start over. I need a reset button badly right now. I'm terrified to go to walk through the doors of my high school where everyone is going to call me a whore and give me looks while thinking that any minute I'm going to implode. I'm abnormal. I'm that weird girl. I don't want to be that girl, but I don't know what else to be. I've been that girl my whole life.

Blisters in the Sun

Yesterday, this little blisters started showing up on my hands and feet. These blisters are still on my body, and I had to stand on the blisters on my feet for 3 hours today. My feet felt like they were on fire for a long time after that, so I crawled around on my hands and knees whenever I needed to go to the bathroom or the kitchen. I also accidentally bought DVD-Rs instead of CD-Rs and the wrong eyeliner. I did manage to buy the correct album of The Head and The Heart: Let's Be Still. I think if I messed that up I would have completely broken down today. I have been having one of the worst summers ever. I got rejected by a guy that I still like, I had the stomach flu, I had an ongoing cold for three weeks, I have blisters on my feet now, I have hardly tanned at all, and I haven't hung out with any of my friends in a month. The last time I talked to someone face to face was this morning at the grocery store. It was Henry and all we said was hi. Since then I've been yet again watching Parks and Rec and listening to The Head and The Heart. I am the world's most depressing person ever.

July

I found out today that my last day is Saturday. I only have to work five hours for my last three days which included today. I will have a month left of summer after work is done which means a month to do nothing. My dad suggested that I take up my mom's offer on scanning the pictures of our childhood. I don't want to do that though because she will never leave me alone. Instead I will watch Parks and Rec and practice music until school starts.

No Happily Ever After Here

My mom returned from her trip to her Honduras today. She wanted to see me today so of course I went over there. I don't like going over there if possible she made me feel worse about myself than I did before I went over there. She brought back many things from Honduras including jewelry, candy, purses, tea and I can't even remember what else. The tea she brought back was of an interesting sort. She gave me four different types one of which was naturally slimming tea. Since when do I need to be slimmer? Okay, I understand that I'm not like all the models and movie stars but who says I have to be? I'm not fat though either. I'm just kinda normal I guess. It's not like this is the first she's expressed that I'm not skinny. She once called me curvaceous which can be a compliment if said correctly instead of an attempt to not call someone fat. In June I was getting clothes for my summer job, because your shirts can't have any words on them and pretty much all of mine do besides long sleeves. I went shopping with my mom to get some t-shirts that would be loose fitting since I have really big boobs I needed to make sure that my clothes wouldn't be tight in that area. My mom seemed to think I should get an XL instead of a L just to be sure even though normally I get a M sometimes a L if it ends up being to short due to my large boobs or my extremely long arms. She always talks about how she had low self esteem and wants to make sure that I don't end up that way, but I don't see how she's helping me boost my self esteem at all. I know that in high school she was anorexic because she has told me repeatedly. She used to think that I was going to become anorexic which she obviously doesn't think anymore. She is the only person who can constantly make me feel bad about myself, and she's supposed to be my mom. I told my dad the other day that I sometimes like to think that she really isn't my mom, but then I realize that there are pictures of her pregnant with me. Although my dad could have had an affair with another woman, and he switched the babies in the hospital so in that case I would have a different mom. There have been many times where I've wondered if I'm adopted because I don't really fit in with the rest of my family. I'm kinda like Mia in the book If I Stay where she talks about never belonging in her family or with anyone else really that's why she has problems understanding why Adam chose her. I understand that feeling so well. I don't fit in with anyone I know. I really wish I did because it's a lonely feeling that I'm tired of. Even if I didn't feel like I fit in with Henry I still wanted him to choose me like Adam chose Mia. I wanted my life for once to be a semi Happily Ever After for a little bit longer than a couple weeks. I keep having dreams about Henry and I think of how pathetic I am because we were a thing for only a couple weeks. I suppose it had to do with the fact that he made me feel differently than anyone else ever has.

Distractions are a Blessing

I have fallen into a summer routine. Monday- I work for my dad Tuesday- I have two lessons and find something to do with the free time in between Wednesday- I do whatever I please until about seven which is when I go to bed Thursday- I go to work Friday- go to work Saturday- go to work Sunday- I do whatever I please. I have to keep myself distracted so as to stop myself from feeling the self loathing that has overcome my idle mind. I read a fantastic book called Ashfall by Mike Mullin, and I want to get the sequel to it. I discovered a wonderful singer/songwriter Emmy the Great. She has a lovely voice, and a song that caught my attention straight from the first verse. I realized that all it takes is an amazing song to make me want to marry the composer of it. Henry and I still talk even if it isn't going anywhere I do like his company when it can be provided. I'm going to The Head and the Heart concert in August which I'm super stoked for. I love those guys so much.

July 4th

My fourth of July was pretty uneventful. I got off work, took a shower, and watched Catfish. I went up to Tianna's house around 10:00 watched the fireworks get set off from a barge in the middle of the river. The fireworks were pretty incredible. Tianna didn't get home from work until after the fireworks were done. I hung out with Scott and Henry before she got there. Tianna's mom pointed out that I was much louder when Tianna got there. It probably has to do with the fact that I don't do well in a group setting although three people isn't much of a group. 

I found out recently that Henry doesn't want to date which is kind of bad news for me. Apparently, a label is intended for high schoolers. I don't think that being able to call someone your boyfriend is a high school thing but that's just me. I suppose it's not a big deal, but I guess I'm tired of feeling trashy. I haven't ever done much to be treated like I'm trashy but that doesn't seem to stop people. Tianna told me I have to prove that I'm not trashy that just sounds like a load of bullshit to me. 

Dog Days

I've been out of it for a while recently. I had to work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I got up at four in the morning for all the three days and got off work around 4:30. I work three very long days where I have to take care of children that are between 1-2 years old which means they are incapable of doing anything by themselves. I change diapers, pat backs to make them sleep, sit with them while they eat, and clean up all the messes they make. I do all of this for about ten hours a day when you account for my lunch breaks. This past Friday and Saturday my stomach the whole time I was working. Saturday, I got home, laid down for a little bit, ate some dinner, and began to throw up around 10 at night. I threw up all night and didn't stop until 7 or 8 Sunday morning. I still am not in great shape. I don't feel like eating, and standing takes effort. I hope to be in better condition for Thursday and Friday. I don't have to work this Saturday because we're getting the fifth off instead of the fourth. I get to spend the fourth with Tianna, Scott, and Henry which I'm super excited about. I just hope one of them wakes me up before they start setting off fireworks. I told them I was going to take a nap at Tianna's house before everybody got there so hopefully they'll wake me up.

Movie Night

Last night I went to Henry's house after I got home from cousin's wedding. Henry and I watched a movie called Pan's Labyrinth. It was a good at least I liked it. Henry and I sat on his little sofa which kind of fits two people. We ended up cuddling in during the movie as would be expected. We also ended up making out quite a bit. I ended up sleeping there, but we didn't do anything besides cuddle and make out which is unexpected by two teens of the opposite gender sharing the same bed.  We still haven't (as the T.V. show Awkward calls it) DTRed but I have a feeling that will be in the near future. My friend Tianna talks to Henry often, and he tells her stuff about me so she normally keeps me updated on what's going on. Tianna did finally break up with Scott, and he was fine with it. The two of them watched a movie together at Scott's house without any problems yesterday which is very good news for me. Scott won't be weird about the new situations quickly approaching.

Summer Job

I can't wait for this week to be over. It's orientation week for my new job, and it is so boring. I'm working for a head start that is offered for the migrant workers that come to our town for the summer. Unfortunately, this means I have to be at work at 4:45 in the morning. I'm a terrible morning person so this should be interesting. I think I'm going to be working with the infants so there won't be too much to do.
My cousin is getting married this weekend, and we're going to her wedding. My dad RSVPed as Tianna instead of as the people who are actually going. My brother Josh is going to be riding down with us, and he probably won't talk to me at all which is any different than how it's been for the past four or five months. He does have a new job working for a local TV station. Maybe he'll be in a better mood than usual. Henry came over yesterday. The two of us hung out for a while. His friend that he doesn't see much called him up so he left to hang out with him.

First Days of Summer

Yesterday was my last day of school as well as my interview for a summer job. I got the job thankfully because I need money. Tianna and I were at my house talking about my cousin, Mitchell. I was telling her how creeped out my dad was by his senior picture. Mitchell is a very creepy guy.  Tianna got the idea of putting pictures of Mitchell all around my house to freak my dad. We printed out 54 copies of the same picture of Mitchell. We put one on the fridge, milk container, cereal box, toilet, mirror, walls, my dad's bed, in his book, and over my nephew's face in the photo album. We also put one in his winter coat pocket so he'll find it months from now. When he got home he saw the pictures asked why there was a picture of Mitchell on the doggie door. Then he found the one on his bed and said oh now that is just creepy. I left to go to a movie, came back to find one on my bedroom door.
Today, I went in to fill out a bunch of paperwork for my new job. The lady who went through all of the paperwork was my ex boyfriend's sister. She asked me if I was related to the teacher at the elementary school which of course I am because that's my mom. She then proceeded to ask if I knew her brother to which I said maybe pretending like I had no clue who her brother was. She said his name and I said yes I knew him. The reason why all of this was extremely awkward is because she used to hate me. She would never talk to me when I was at their house. She basically refused to acknowledge my presence up until today.

Love Triangle?

School is almost out! Thank God! I can't wait for it to be summer. I have three days left of school. Lana Del Rey's new album is coming out in five days which is also going to be the day that I go get my ears pierced(not for the first time). I am hopefully going to be hanging out with the guy I went on a date a couple weeks back. He and I talk quite frequently. My life is kind of turning into a weird love triangle or perhaps a square since four people are involved. The guy that I have been talking to will give him a name, Henry is friends with Scott who is one of my best guy friends. Scott is dating my best friend Tianna. Scott previously had liked me for well over a year and might still possibly like me I don't know. Scott keeps saying bad stuff about me to Tiannna in hopes that she will not be my friend anymore or something stupid like that. Tianna and I think it's possible Scott isn't quite over me and is pissed that he didn't ever date me. Now that Henry likes me, Scott thinks I'm too shallow for Henry. Tianna is currently trying to get Scott to stop being a jerk about me all the time, so that I can date Henry without Scott being in the way. The whole thing is all childish and stupid and makes me wonder why I ever try getting along with people. I can't wait to not have to deal with pointless drama like this anymore. Honestly, why do teenagers have to make things more complicated than they need to be? I would be happy if all four of us were able to get along without any problems whatsoever. Henry and I should be able to date without Scott being jealous. By the way Henry is not his real name it makes him sound like an old man which he is not.

Barbecue Turns to Fishing Trip

On Sunday, my dad, his girlfriend, and I went to a barbecue three hours away from where we live because my dad's friend's son came home from Afghanistan. He was over there for a year as an engineer, and now he's going to be working for my dad in July. We went to the barbecue decided to stay an extra night, then decided to stay to go fishing, and didn't come home until today. My dad's girlfriend left Monday morning so my dad's friend had to drive us home. Unfortunately, we did not catch any fish yesterday not even a bite. I did okay some songs for them on Sunday night around the campfire. My dad's friend told me I had confidence in what I do, and that I sing from the core as he put it. He thinks it comes naturally for me as I have been told by others before him. I don't know exactly what they mean. I get that I can sigh tread very easily and pick up stuff well when it comes to music, but I don't understand how someone can tell that a person has a natural ability just by how they play.

Date Night

I haven't been up to much recently. Well, that's not entirely true. I have just been involved with the typical teen stuff that everyone thinks of. Going to school, hanging out with friends, and I went on a date last weekend. HOLD UP what was that last part. Yes, I went on a date last Sunday. It seems it's been forever that a guy has been able to hold my interest past the whole, "Hey how's it going?" because most of those guys follow that up with, "you're beautiful and a cool person," and those guys are losers. Not because they say that but because they are drop outs who do nothing but smoke weed. Okay so maybe this guy isn't much better. He is, yes, a drop out, and he does smoke weed, but he's smart and is interested in doing something with his life beyond living with his parents and smoking weed. Also the only reason he dropped out is because his parents moved so much that he was in and out of school all the time and he couldn't keep up. I honestly feel bad for him because he is the type that could have graduated if he had been given a fair chance. Anyways, back to the date. We went to see the movie Neighbors for lack of anything better to do in this town. It was a good movie pretty funny although was not expecting to see Seth Rogen naked. Sorry if that was a spoiler for anyone. Besides the movie we didn't do much else besides sit and talk for an hour. He is such a cutie. He is by far the hottest guy who has ever been interested in me, and he's not your typical hot guy. You know the guy who has a constant tan, perfect face, six pack, perfect smolder, and could make just about any female faint with every word he speaks. Instead he is half Japanese, pale, very attractive face, six pack, and has a soothing voice that doesn't make me want to faint. Also he has one eye that's half green and half brown which is very cool. Not only is he attractive and smart, but he is socially awkward like me and understands the struggle of those who are not up to par in socializing.

Lost Dog

I have the cutest little dachshund anyone could ask for but sometimes she can be a real pain.

See she really is adorable. 

Anyway this past week she's run away twice. The first time she was only gone for over night when I received a phone call in the morning from my best friend. She woke up to have my dog in her house and was very confused as to why she was there. It turns my friend's sister found not knowing it was my dog. They were going to take her to the pound until my friend told her sister it was my dog so I got her back that time. This time she ran away sometime on Friday. I called the pound the next day they said they didn't have her. I printed out posters of her and put them, because she doesn't have tag because she lost it. Later that evening my dad calls me saying he was looking at my dog's picture on our local pound's website. Now I can't get my dog until Tuesday because the pound is closed on Sunday and Monday. I did leave a message, and I might be able to get her tomorrow. I hope I can. She's my little cuddle buddy, and I want her back home. 

Changes

I recently had my last band concert of the year as well as last Jazz band concert. I don't have to get up so early anymore. In band though we still have to work on "Pomp and Circumstance" for graduation. I can't wait for this year to be over because that means I'll be a senior year which also means one last year of high school. Woot! I am in the process of making a decision on if I want to change schools for next year. I guess it sounds stupid to switch schools for one year, but my best friend is moving, and I didn't want to be stuck here without her. We're not going to the same school though. She's going to do online school and do acting stuff, and I'm going to high school in the next town over which is only twenty miles away. I won't know a single soul, but it will be a chance to start over and work on my social skills which are terrible. Also I'd be able to take better music classes there. I do want to go there I'm just scared about being the new kid as I imagine most would be. One of my friends' parents said it would be a stupid idea since I'd be spending extra money on gas,but my dad already works there so we'd just carpool together. I can carpool home with other people if I have to get back here earlier than my dad. I think it could be a great opportunity for me to enjoy my last year of high school.

The Boss

My dad is currently at a music festival see our Lord, Bruce Springsteen, in concert. My dad has gotten into the habit of calling Bruce lord because he thinks there will be churches dedicated to Bruce in the future. Anyway he got there six hours before had to play, and my dad was able to touch him, "Gave him attached boy pats on his shoulder," is what he said. He also rubbed Bruce's sweat on his girlfriend so she'd feel like she'd been touched too. He said he cried, but I'm not sure if he really although I wouldn't be surprised if he did. I think my dad was the only one who had a good day. I took the SATs, but I skipped ten questions by accident. I will have to take the damn thing again. I was already a wreck taking this one I can't imagine what I'll be like next time since it will be my last chance. My dad said I could just join a band if I mess up the next time. In reality I'll end up living at home unemployed if I mess up a second time. I really need to do well on this stupid test so I can pay for college because my parents are so generous as to not give me any money at all for college. I understand why they're not going to help me with college, but that doesn't mean I want to pay for college myself.

"Lip Off"

One of our local banks hosts a lip synching contest every year which I was completely unaware of until recently. Our jazz band was asked to play at this contest so there wouldn't be silence between the different groups. There was a group who did the song "Who you Gonna Call" I thought they should have own, but they didn't instead a group who did a song from Hairspray won. In addition to all of this hey had what they call a "Lip Off" which sounds extremely weird. It's basically like a dance off with lip synching. Anyways for this "Lip Off" they decided to get volunteer from the audience except that no one was volunteering. So they made our band director pick people from his jazz band. Ol and behold I was one of the misfortunate people to be picked for this undesirable task. My best friend, this other girl, and I were forced on stage to participate in the "Lip Off." I received all the terrible songs that I didn't know he lyrics to. Also I'm a terrible dancer so to add to my embarrassment everyone in our jazz band decide to take videos of us. One guy even told us he put the video on Facebook. He didn't though or else I would have been very unhappy. My friend and I decided we're going to pull a prank on our band director to get back at him for volunteering us.

Doggie Out The Window

When it gets warm enough outside I like to keep my window while I sleep. I like have to feel the breeze on my face. It's nice and refreshing especially at the end of the day. Every night both of my dogs sleep in my room which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I like to cuddle with my dog as I'm falling asleep, but the other dog won't sleep on my bed. That dog sleeps on the floor and snores louder than any human. The dog that sleeps in my bed likes to bark at nothing which only happens on occasion during the winter. There are some nights in the spring that she wakes me up four times in one night with her barking. She's been doing that recently, so I decided to take the screen out of my window. Now, anytime my dog barks I throw her out my window. She can still get back inside, because we have doggie door, but she can't come back in my room and keep barking. Don't worry my window is about five feet from the ground, and I drop her gently from my window. I don't want to hurt her just make her stop barking.

Guilty Pleasure #6

This week I will share with you my secret love for musicals. I haven't watched a musical in awhile. I think the last one was Les Misrables. I saw that in theaters wih my friend. I didn't really like it that much. It felt too rushed compared to the version with Liam Neeson. My all time favorite musical is Singin in the Rain. I love it so much. I really love the dancing in it, because of Gene Kelly. Also, it has great music, so does The Music Man. I think I would like The Sound of Music more if it just wasn't so long. I also would like My Fair Lady better if Eliza didn't stay with Henry Higgins. I honestly can't remember all of the musicals I've watched. I went through a huge phase in middle school when all is watched was musicals. My mom would have to work Friday nights, so I would stay home and watch all the musicals I could that were available on Netflix. I would eat Top Ramen and hot dogs and try to stay awake until my mom got home. She usually would get home around 11-11:30. Sometimes later depending on how late people would stay. She cooked for a bar/winery. It was a winery during the week, but every Friday night people would flock there for live music. It really was a nice place sometimes I would go to work with my mom and help her out. One of my getting paid under the table jobs I did with my mom when I was that age. It only stayed open like that every Friday night for a few years until the owners got divorced. Now every once in awhile it has live music.

Guilty Pleasure #5

I am not a person who spends an over excessive amount of time on the internet unless if I'm extremely bored. Even then I hardly ever know what to do on the internet besides blog. That last sentence was partially a lie. My guilty pleasure for this weeks is internet quizzes. I recently found a site that has multitudes of quizzes. If anyone else loves internet quizzes like me here is the site:
http://www.gotoquiz.com/
I took a quiz on there about how high-class are you. Apparently, I'm 0% high-class. I guess that makes sense I haven't ever met anyone who would be considered high-class. I do live in a small town. Anyways, I don't really believe these quizzes I just think it's a fun way to waste time.

Texas

I've been home for a couple days now. My dad and I got home from our trip at 1:00 AM. We live an hour and a half from the nearest airport, so my dad drove home. I ended up sleeping in for school the next partly mostly to skip a test that I didn't have time to study for. We had a great trip though. I loved San Antonio and Austin and both of the colleges we visited. I am definitely going to apply to both and will be sorely depressed if I don't get into either one. I have a pretty high chance of getting into at least one since I fit the description of the type of student they. I am very concerned about being able to get into the music program since I don't know how well someone has to play to get in, but I think I can get in.
When we were in San Antonio it was extremely hot and humid especially compared to where we live. My dad and I were walking on the riverwalk into downtown, and he's jabbering away about "the hot prairie sun." He said he could see Pa even though Pa was dead and that he was going to die soon. The whole time he was talking to Jethro. I don't know where he gets these stories, but he does. He has quite an imagination for a fifty year old man. He also kept talking about things he would do if there was a zombie apocalypse. He would let the guy who made my sandwich join our group, because he was very nice.
During our layover we didn't have much time to get to our plane, so we had to hurry. I got stuck behind this woman with her two kids that were running back and forth making it impossible for me to pass. When I finally saw my chance I hurried passed them, but I hear thud. The little girl that was probably two years old had ran into my suitcase and fallen face first. Of course she began to cry, and I turned and apologized. After that every time we saw a little kid crying my dad would say, "Hey Stacy, there's another kid you can hit your suitcase with."
The entire trip was very enjoyable. We were able to see a couple of new bands we hadn't heard of in concert, because we were in Austin. We saw Judah and the Lion and Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors. Both we're good, but I liked Judah and the Lion better even though they were the opening band.
I wish I was still there. I didn't want to come home at all. I really do hope I can move to down there for college.

Guilty Pleasure #4

I am still on vacation in Texas and was going to make this post yesterday, but I forgot. I have a T.V. show that I like to watch. I actually enjoy it more than I care to admit but that is besides the point. It is one of those teen T.V. show series, but it's not nearly as bad as Teen Wolf or Vampire Diaries. This week's guilty pleasure of mine is:
The T.V. show called "Awkward." I started watching, because I'm awkward and that's the name of the show, so naturally I thought it would be perfect for me which it kind of is. My favorite part about is the "Asian Mafia." My dad and I agree that every comedy is better with a funny Asian girl.

Missionary or No Missionary

It's my third day of spring break, and I still have accomplished nothing except catching up with two T.V. series and a little bit of reading. I did take my dogs for a walk today. I walked by my mom's place, but she wasn't home. I think she was going to take my nephew to the zoo. I was supposed to go with her, but I think she's mad at me even though I'm not really sure why. I politely asked her to not do things I didn't want her to do. She got all upset even though she said she wasn't upset I knew she was. She didn't go to the St. Patricks Day concert that she said she would go to so that's a big sign that she's mad at me. Also she didn't take me to the zoo with her and my nephew another sign that she's mad. At least I only have a year and a half to deal with her, because not only will I be going to college, but she is supposedly becoming a missionary. I have no idea what made her decide to do that, but she seems to want to go. She already passed the interview for it, and she's trying to sell her house so I'd say she's pretty serious about it, but it's hard to tell if she'll go through with it. Brandon doesn't seem to think she will, because she won't be able to drink or smoke. I guess we'll find it if she does it or not.

Guilty Pleasure #3

This morning I give to you guilty pleasure number three. It would have to be my love for the character Sherlock Holmes. I'm sure I've mentioned the character before on other posts, but I love the character. I watched the movies Robert Downey Jr. made, the BBC series of Sherlock is when I really began to love Sherlock Holmes. He plays violin amazingly, solves crimes, is socially inept, and much more. The one thing about Sherlock Holmes that I dislike very much is that he smokes tobacco. Other than that Sherlock Holmes is perfect. I have decided to read the originally books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle whenever I get the chance. I also desperately want to go to London to see St. Bartholomew's Hospital, because it was an important place in the BBC series. I even told my dad that I'm convinced he's real and that I was going to find him when I hypothetically go to London in the future. Just to clear things up that was a joke. I don't really think Sherlock Holmes is real person but if he was that would be awesome.

Spring Break

I'm slightly sad in this current moment. The reason is I finished watching all the episodes of The Newsroom available, and it's only the first full day of my spring break. I still have until Thursday before I leave for vacation. My dad and I are going to go look at colleges in Texas near Austin. Since Austin has become the live music capital of the world I have a very strong desire to go there, but I have to spend the next few days finding something to do with myself. I was going to watch The Newsroom, but I finished it which required me to watch somewhere around ten one-hour episodes. As you may have already gathered I have no life. I need to find another T.V. series to watch or read as many Sherlock Holmes books I can. I'll probably end up doing the latter of those two options.

Guilty Pleasure #2

I apologize for the delay in telling you my second guilty pleasure. This second one is one of my favorite movies of all time which just so happens to be a kids movie. It is Fantastic Mr. Fox.
If you haven't heard of it here is a link:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0432283/
I remember I was very reluctant to watch this movie thinking it was going to be awful. It is exactly the opposite. I have watched this movie multiple times and still love it.

Guilty Pleasure #1

Since it's that time of year, and by that time of year I mean Lent, I'm not actually going to give anything up even though I'm supposed. Instead I'm going to post a guilty pleasure of mine at the beginning of every week ending with Easter Day.
For this week my guilty pleasure is the game Tiny Tower.
For those of you that haven't heard of this game here is a picture of it:

I've been playing this game since my dad gave me his old iPad which was in November. I have 86 towers so far, and I'm still counting. I was able to get a friend of mine to play it. 

Scummy People

I've always wondered how scummy people manage to live in this world and not get a constant mob of people telling them how awful they are. I suppose it's because people who aren't scummy are either afraid of them or don't feel like they are worth the time and effort. I mean if you think about the number of scummy people you've met in your life it adds up at least where I live it does. We seem to have a large population of people who don't try in making their life better. I guess they enjoy sitting around doing nothing, smoking pot, and doing stupid stuff. Oh, and, let's not forget that they also like to hit on girls in their town who are clearly not going to be interested in them. I have come close to deleting my Facebook because of the stoners in our town. There was for a time a constant stream of stoners who were trying to hit on me, and it did stop. I think they got the message when they realized I was never going to respond to their messages or accept friend requests. Recently, one of these guys tried adding me on Facebook for a second time I ignored him, and another started going to our high school again to try to finish. The one that recently enrolled for a second time is the one that had on Halloween groped my ass. I almost forgot to mention that yesterday I was wearing a kind of tight shirt in the bust area, and some jerk decided to make some crude remark to me. I did consider going back to wearing over sized t shirts and baggie jeans like I did when I was a freshman, but then I realized I still had creepers back then. I also realized that most of my clothes are modest especially in comparison with most of the girls at my school. The thing is that I could handle most of this stuff if some of the remarks or actions weren't so degrading. I just know that my friend who has a boyfriend does not have this many problems, and I've been tempted to get a boyfriend just for that reason. But that would be unfair to him and having a boyfriend provides a new set of worthless problems.

Panda Dog Follow Up

So this is my dog. He did not turn out to be as cute as I had hoped nor does he resemble a panda, but it was also the first time dying a dog. Also the dye for some turned out to be a greenish color instead of black. It was more difficult than I thought it be especially since he kept moving around.

Panda Dog

I recently made a discovery. People dye their dogs to look like pandas. I have decided I'm going to so this with my dog. My dog is a white poodle so he'll be perfect for it. Plus he's fat and lazy, making him and even better match. We ordered the black dye on Amazon to dye him with, and it arrived today. I plan on dying him tomorrow when I get home from school. I will post before and after pictures tomorrow if you would desire to see a "Panda Dog." I'm sure it will be adorable.

Bassett Hound Puppies

Recently, my dad's girlfriend started talking about getting a Bassett Hound puppy. She even had pictures on Pinterest saved to show what she wanted it to look like. Anyways, my dad and I were talking about Marcus Mumford, and when he was singing this really sad song in a documentary. My dad was saying he always sings with such emotion and that when sang this particular song that, "it made you want to give him a Bassett Hound puppy." I thought this was hilarious. We took this idea farther and said that when he sings his Bassett Hound puppy howls along with him. The Bassett Hound puppy after much practice is able to sing harmony with Marcus Mumford and that's why he always sing the melody. We even said that Marcus Mumford sells Bassett Hound puppies after concerts. Later we were watching The Walking Dead, and I said that the people in the show needed Bassett Hound puppies. My dad said that they would feed the zombies the Bassett Hound puppies. I, then, remembered a movie we watched where the zombies became human again so I said, "No, they are going to give the zombies Bassett Hound puppies to humanize them. They'll go up in helicopters, and drop the Bassett Hound puppies with parachutes attached to them." So in case the world does have a zombie apocalypse give the zombies Bassett Hound puppies.

Sleet

I've lately been down in the dumps, and the only way to cure that is through comedy so here goes. Imagine yourself as a fourth grader sitting in class learning about the weather and the clouds. So to give you some background information my brother one time called a girl a slut, and my mom asked him to spell slut. Now my brother is a terrible speller and responded with, "S-L-E-E-T." From the day on my family used sleet instead of slut in hopes that I wouldn't know what they are talking about. So here I am listening to my teacher and all of sudden she starts talking about sleet. Now this catches my attention, because I always thought sleet was a bad word. She keeps blabbering about sleet, and I'm thinking how can she use that word so casually it's a bad word, right? Then I start thinking well maybe sleet has two meanings, one is bad and the other is about the weather. At this point though I'm still really confused though as to how my teacher can still say sleet knowing it has two meanings. Anyways, I come to the conclusion that sleet has two meanings, and I just let it. A year later I hear my mom telling someone a story, and I hear starting say my brother spelled slut as sleet. Then I finally begin to realize that sleet was a made up word in my family and that no one ever knew that I knew what it meant.

It

It boils and boils until it's ready to burn
Spilling it out from every orifice
Flooding the earth with its evil
But you can't escape it's hidden within you
Deep in your bones and amongst the marrow
It's even in the ones who follow the straight and narrow
It possesses your soul and it never lets go
Leaving a path of destruction behind
Confusing the ones who are need of something
It's a vicious cycle driven by an innate hunger
Deep in your bones and amongst the marrow
It possesses your soul and it never lets go
It's a vicious cycle driven by an innate hunger

Snow

The weather here is too cold for me. I wish it would just warm up already. At least it's snowy enough that we probably won't have school tomorrow. I know we have at least ten inches of snow but that was yesterday morning so there's more than that now I'm sure. Everyone is out sledding or enjoying the snow, but I am inside. Even if I wanted to go out in the snow I wouldn't be able to. I don't have any snow boots or gloves or anything like that, because it rarely snow this much here. We usually get one or two inches every year occasionally five but not more than that. Every several years though we get an exorbitant amount of snow. I used to like it when it snowed this much but that was when I was little so of course I loved the snow. Now I wish I was somewhere nice and warm or just warmer than here.

Kolds and Kardashians

My dad contracted a cold on Monday, and all that night he had fever dreams. He was feeling worse yesterday. I came home early yesterday, because my last period of the day ends at 1:15. When I came home I talked to my dad like always do. Yesterday, he tells me, "I thought I had cancer, but I beat it already." I tell him that's good to know. He later was on the phone with his girlfriend, and he says to her, "I thought I had cancer today, but I'm pretty sure I have the zombie virus."  He turned on the T.V. after this and puts the Kardashians. He watched one time when he had a very painful migraine. Fortunately, he changed the channel to something other than the Kardashians. We ended up watching a movie about a kid in middle school during the 60's. Of course, my dad fell asleep during it, so he didn't watch very much of it.

Tony Stark and Downton Abbey

Recently, my dad and I were watching T.V. We had Ironman 3 saved on our DVR and had watched half of the other night. We were wanting to finish, but when my dad press play it said we weren't able to watch. My dad realized it had to do with the fact he had gotten rid of the Starz channel that day. So my dad calls Dircetv, and he starts talking in a southern accent. He does that a lot, because it gets you better customer service apparently. Anyway he's talking to a new lady and has dropped the southern accent but comes off as being stupid. Again on purpose to get better customer service. He ends up saying, "I want to know if Tony Stark makes it out alive." The lady did get Ironman 3 back for us so it did work.
The next night one of our dogs ended up unplugging the T.V. and the cable box. My dad at the time was watching Downton Abbey and was disappointed in having to wait for the cable box to reconnect. When it did he had to find his spot in Downton Abbey. While all of this was happening I remembered that the iPad had an app that could control the T.V. Once my dad started watching Downton Abbey, I pressed pause and play a couple seconds afterwards. My dad totally oblivious was wondering what had happened. Thirty seconds later I did the same thing. He started freaking out. After a few times I couldn't contain my laughter anymore. He turns to me and says, "Are you proud of yourself?" I said yes. I let him watch the rest of it without any further interruptions.

Jerks

Apparently, my dad didn't know I still get picked on. He knew I did when I was younger and went to a different school. I suppose he thought it all stopped when we moved, but it didn't. He kept asking me who it was, and I told him it was pointless because he doesn't know them anyways. He also told me to call them effing Nazis, but I think that's extreme. I can understand though why he would say that. I am his daughter after all and doesn't want anything to happen to me. He probably finds it offensive that people could find something mean to say about me, but they do. It hasn't really bothered me much in a couple years, but today was more than I could handle. I don't even do anything and yet people seem to be able to say to my face that they don't like me or if it was acceptable that I'd be dead. It gets rough to hear stuff like that when all I do is sit awkwardly while they talk to our mutual friends. It's not like I force myself in the conversation. I just sit patiently and listen. If someone says something to me I answer but that's it. I don't see how anyone could dislike me for that. Oh well it's the weekend and Josh isn't here so I have a break from it all for a little bit.

Abnormal Weekend

This weekend was an unusual one, for lack of better words. It started out with going to Mom's and having dinner. Of course Josh had to find a way to try to pick some sort of fight with me, but it didn't last long due to my mom. On Saturday, Josh took my phone and texted my dad, "I might be a lesbian," which is kind of funny if it didn't happen to you. I got mad, because he's been doing stuff like that since he's been here. Later, we got in a fight that left me crying on my bedroom floor shaking uncontrollably which I didn't believe a physical possible until then. It's not like I haven't been upset before it was a different type of being upset I guess. It's just been so long since I've fought with someone like that that it hit me pretty hard. I don't know. I called my friend to see if she was home so I could spend the night, but she said she wouldn't be home until late that night. I tried my best to keep from crying while talking to her, but I couldn't help it. I didn't realize until later that it was the first time she'd ever heard me cry. Anyways, I stayed in my room until my dad came home the next day except for to go to the bathroom and get food.
Today was odd too. It made me wonder if I might be depressed, but I couldn't really tell. My friends wanted to hang out with me. I didn't really want to, but I couldn't think of an excuse not to so I did. They came over to my house which was a horrible idea since Josh is here. We hardly said a word the entire time. I sat on the couch imagining everyone and everything being sucked up into some force leaving me behind. I pictured myself with my little section of the couch on the ground where the basement would have been after the giant vacuum took everything but the ground, me, and the part of the couch I was sitting on. I could see the dirt walls acting as a skeleton for the basement, and I could look through the opening and see where my neighbor's house used to be. I wanted to be alone so badly that I created this image in my mind to provide some semblance of privacy. It actually worked so I guess I should do it more often. All in all it was a weird weekend. I became secluded, separate from the world in a different way the than usual. I don't know, maybe I'm just going crazy.

Feeling Trapped

My mom recently asked me to go over to house and since then I've been there. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go over there again, but I really don't want to. I had tried to get out of it by saying Josh didn't want me to go which was true until she talked to him about it. She has her heart set on having a "family dinner." I'd hardly call us a family. Brandon isn't even going to be there. Also Josh is a complete jerk who is unhappy with himself; therefore he puts others down to feel better. Unfortunately, I'm his closest and pretty much only target. It's even worse when Brandon is here. Then they gain up on me telling me basically how obnoxious and worthless I am. It's a real nice feeling to come home to everyday, getting told how you don't know anything and pretty much never will. It's also nice being trapped by your mother. She guilt trips you into coming over to her house. I dislike going over there very, very, very much, but I don't know how to tell her no. She's so overwhelmingly pathetic that you can't stop yourself from saying yes. It's sad honestly. I don't know how she got that way, but she's been like that for years. What it all comes down to is that I can't wait to be free of all these people. I can guarantee the only person I'll to talk to voluntarily when I leave is my dad. He's the only one who doesn't seem to what to trap me.

Alarm Clock Problems

I have been having alarm clock troubles since around December. About the time we started to have Jazz Band every instead of only twice a week. I would set my alarm the night before for 6:15(so I can press the snooze button a few times before I actually get out of bed). The next morning I'd hear a little knock on the door, and my dad would enter to tell me that it was 7 which is the time that Jazz Band starts. I would then proceed to either keep sleeping or get dressed quickly and go to school. This happened somewhere around three or four times in the month of December. My alarm clock troubles have continued into the New Year, and may be even worse than last year. Yesterday was Friday and on Friday school starts at 10. I usually get up at 9, so I can take my time and not have to rush to school like every other morning. At 10:48 my dad knocks on my bedroom to tell me it's almost 11. I couldn't believe, because I knew I set my alarm the night before. I remember setting it, because I almost forgot to do it. I somehow managed to sleep through the majority of my first period of the day. I didn't end up going to school until 1:45 that day, because we only have three periods on Friday. I only have two periods, so I just had to go to last class of the day. It was nice to be able to do that. I didn't even bother putting jeans. I just put on a pair of leggings and t-shirt, because I didn't see the point in wearing jeans for one class.

Daily Life

Things are going pretty well for me right now. I'm feeling confident in my abilities to do well in my classes. I've been looking for colleges and have found quite a few I'm interested in. I for once don't feel totally swamped. It could be though that my teachers are easing us back into school, but I still had quite a bit of free time this week that I could do more work if necessary. I'm now an official math tutor starting Monday. Josh is finding new jobs and has stayed clear of the living room the past couple of days due to his bad mood. I don't care what mood he's in as long as he leaves me alone. He left tonight for more interviews without even saying good-bye. According to my dad his mood is because of medical bills but that shouldn't really bother him that much. Last time I talked to Josh we got into an argument about gays. His opinions at times seem so irrational and unethical to me. I don't understand him. He doesn't seem to know how to enjoy life without getting high or drunk, and I pity him for that. It would be difficult to live like that.

A New Year

It's a new year, and of course everyone has their new year's resolutions, but I don't. I've never really had a new year's resolution. I went to my mom's house the other night. Things went well, but we'll see how long that lasts. She was already telling me to put my music on YouTube, but I don't want to. YouTube is for people who just want to get famous and fast. I don't want that. I just want a career in music doing as well as I please. At least my nephew was there and his mom so I didn't have to be there alone with her. I find it ironic though that she says she hasn't any money, but yet she's remodeled her entire kitchen. When I first got to her house she had people working on it. She has all new appliances, cabinets, everything. There isn't a single thing in her kitchen that was there before except the floor. She even bought new kitchen utensil crap. I'm not really sure what to call it all, but either way she has money from somewhere. She also told me to not be a stranger even though the last time I went to her house she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. I can't make any sense of what she wants from me, and I really don't care to know. I'm supposed to go over to her house next weekend, and I'm not really looking forward to it especially since she brought it up at last five times at her house. She also texted me about next weekend yesterday. I just want to be left alone, but instead I have to suffer through it all. I'm always so scared when I go there. I can't help it. She terrifies me. I really wish I wasn't part of this particular family. The only person I can handle is my dad. Everyone else drives me nuts always telling me what I am without considering that they are the same thing or even worse. I'm sick of them all thinking they are so much better than me. Your family is supposed to be your support system but mine isn't.