Musician Pain

I think I have to go to the doctor. I can't live with this pain in my shoulder. If it continues like it is right now I won't ever be able to play violin. I don't understand why it's getting worse. I've been stretching and trying to do things that should strengthen it, but it just keeps hurting. When I tried practicing this morning there was sharp pain in the front of my shoulder every time I lifted my bow. I can't live without being able to play violin. I have to play.
I also still have to finish my scholarship essays. I don't know how I'm going to get all of this stuff done, but I guess I'm going to have to. I would be less stressed out right now if the pain in my shoulder would just go away because I can't play while it hurt but I don't have the time to go to a doctor and find out what's wrong with it. I can't believe this is happening to me right now. I still have one more Sinfonietta concert left over not to mention these next few months are the only ones I have left with my violin teacher. I haven't taken a lesson from anyone besides her since I started seven years ago. I don't need my shoulder to be hurting right now. It sucks.

Alternate Universes

I was on my home today from my violin lessons at the music store when I saw an ex boyfriend of my mom's. I was driving downtown, stopped at a red light when I saw him. I felt like blowing the red light and hitting him with my car. He is one of those human beings that I truly believe is a waste of space on this planet. I guess you could say I haven't quite forgiven him for everything he did. In a way. I supposed I don't think he's worth the energy to put much effort into forgiving or loathing him so most of the time I ignore his very existence. Besides, I rarely see the man as it. Today was the first time I have seen him since my 8th grade promotion which was almost four years ago.
I sometimes wonder what my life would've been like if he'd never dated my mom. Would she be less crazy? I think she would. I think he exhausted what little remained of her sane moments. She didn't drink much before him. I remember the summer after they broke up she was making margaritas at home, and most mornings she had started drinking before I even woke up. Maybe things would have been different for my mom and I. Maybe we would be on better terms, but it's hard to tell. I wonder if in an alternate universe my mom is less crazy, and we are the almost perfect mother-daughter duo everyone once thought we were. I do think there are alternate universes, but what I'm most curious about is what I'm like in these alternate universes. Above all, what I want to know is what my family is like. I think if given the right chance we would all be closer as a family.

Too Much To Do

My audition last week went pretty well, I think. I felt it when better than I expected it too. I think I was one of the first people to audition this month. I know I was the first person that morning. I still can't believe how calm I remained throughout the whole thing. Normally, my limbs would have been shaking uncontrollably but that didn't happen at all. I did feel as if I was being bombarded with questions although that could have been because it was early in the morning, and I am not used to people actually taking an interest in my violin playing.
I have many things I should be doing right now, but I find myself very unmotivated at the moment. I had a weird day at school today. I actually socialized with more than five people. I think that's why I feel so exhausted. I was debating about going to the basketball game tonight but that would require me to put on a pair of jeans as well as leaving the house which I don't feel like doing. It would also mean putting off the things I need to get done this month that is a compelling reason to go but not compelling enough. Maybe I should drink a cup of coffee to get me to do something.

In Need of Repair

Yesterday, I came home from school to find my dog P-Knut with a piece of bread in her mouth. After disposing of the bread both of my dogs got in a fight. I had to separate them to get them to stop. They both retreated to their own corners. It took me a couple seconds to figure out that there was blood on the ground. I looked to see which one was bleeding, and it was Tweaks. I picked him put him on the counter to try and clean him up a little bit. I couldn't really do much since it was his nose that was bleeding. After tending to him, I put both of th dogs outside. I also had to clean up all of the blood in the living room.
Today, I had a relatively productive day. I fixed my electric guitar. The wires had disconnected inside. I used a rubber band to keep the wires in place so they would remain touching the metal. It's not that great of a repair, but at least now my guitar works. I do have to adjust the wires once in awhile to get it to work.
I haven't been able to eat much lately, either because of my audition coming up. My stomach feels like it's either going to throw up or tear itself away from the rest of my body. Sometimes, I wish I had been born with a stomach that wasn't so susceptible to anxiety. My bowel movements are very susceptible to anxiety as well. I have been having massive diarrhea all week my only hope is that I don't accidentally fart in the middle of my audition although that would be kind of funny in a sad way.

Performance Anxiety

Sorry, it's been awhile. I have massive performance anxiety right now. I have an audition this weekend for a music scholarship. I haven't had to perform on the violin by myself in ages. At least, the pieces are picked are good ones in my repertoire. Still, I haven't been able to eat a lot, and I even had problems going to the bathroom today. I went to the restroom during lunch at my high school, but there were other people in there as well including a girl I used to be friends with in middle school. Anyways, I ended up having to use the stall right next to her, and I wasn't able to start peeing until she had started washing her hands. God, I hate public bathrooms because everyone can hear you pee so it's so awkward for people like me. I start freaking out that people will think I'm taking a poop because it's taking me so long to start peeing or they will think I'm hiding out in the bathroom like a weirdo. This is why public bathrooms should have soundproof stalls for those of us with performance anxiety. Although, I would probably never leave the bathroom if the stalls were soundproof.