December

My brother bought a rifle the other day on our way home from the beach. We went out a couple days ago to shoot his rifle, shotgun, and revolver. He gave me the rifle to shoot first which turned out to be a bad idea considering he didn't tell me how to shoot one beforehand. I ended up having a sore arm up until today. After shooting the rifle once I was too scared to shoot it again, so instead I shot the revolver for a little bit. Later, after summoning up enough courage I shot the shotgun and that was just fine. He finally told me I had to keep the butt of the gun in my shoulder and act like it was part of  my body. Knowing this I didn't feel the kick hardly at all that time. It was completely painless unlike the rifle.
 Josh is currently out shooting his rifle again, and I am waiting to go to a movie with a friend. We're going to go see Frozen. I'm almost positive Frozen won't be nearly as good as Inside Llewyn Davis, but it's something to do. It's nice to go see an animated movie once in a while even though I am a teenager. Animated movies have some content intended for people over twelve years old. If there wasn't most parents would be completely bored watching all these movies with their kids. One of my favorite movies is an animated movie which of course would be Fantastic Mr. Fox. I love that movie so much. It's a hilarious movie, and yet it's such an odd story that it's perfect. Most people I know haven't seen Fantastic Mr. Fox which I don't blame them, because before I saw it I thought it was going to be a lame movie.

Christmas Eve

I had a pretty relaxing day, today. I walked on the beach, ate a bunch of food, and opened presents(one of my brothers' is leaving tomorrow). My dad bought me an acoustic electric guitar for Christmas. The best present I've ever receive without knowing I was getting it beforehand. He made me think for a few minutes that he'd only gotten me socks, but he decided that was a little considering my grandma hadn't given me a card with money in it even though she'd given ten bucks to my one-year old nephew and twenty bucks each to my brothers. Also Brandon didn't get me a present either, so my presents had consisted of socks, a t-shirt, and a toothbrush. I know Christmas isn't about receiving presents, but I did give everybody presents and ones that they actually needed/really wanted unlike most years. Before my dad gave me my guitar Brandon said, "Now, I really feel bad all Stacy got was socks." Once I opened my guitar I was really happy, because I've been wanting an acoustic electric for a long time. It's a really nice one despite the fact it's electric too. All in all today was a good day even if I ate way too much food.

Christmas Break

Well, it's finally Christmas Break, and I'm going to the beach today for Christmas. It's also my brother's birthday to day, a happy birthday to him. He's turning 23 and yet he still acts like a child. It's sad to think I might possibly be more mature than both of my brothers. The last week of school before Christmas Break was awful. It seemed like the week would never end, and when it did I was thankful beyond belief. I have a C and Incomplete in two of my classes which was completely devastating to me, because I have never received a grade below a B. Not even on a weekly grade report have I ever gotten below a B. I honestly can't wait for this school year to be over, because all of this AP stuff is a load of bull crap. You have to analyze people's writing style like crazy. Basically, you have to be a critic, and I'm not a critic. I'm a writer. Next year the only AP class I'll be taking is calculus so that should be pretty easy. Math is the only class I have an A in. This school year is kinda going terrible for me, but at least musically I've been doing pretty well. I played in Handel's Messiah last night, which is one of the highest honors you can get in this town. Not only did I play in it, but I played first violin. It was like playing second violin for Sinfonietta. Sinfonietta has harder music than the Messiah, but the Messiah is still a pretty big deal. The church we played in was packed. People were having to sit upstairs or having to stand. It took me forever to be able to leave. People kept wanting to talk to me even people I didn't know were talking to me. One lady told me she was impressed afterwards. One of my students was there. She's a sweet girl, she made me a scarf for Christmas.
I'm excited for today, because not only am I going to the beach, but I get to go see Inside Llewyn Davis. I've been wanting to see that movie for quite a few weeks now. I really hope it becomes a popular, because that would mean a breakthrough for folk music. Of course, I would want that considering I want to be a folk musician. Also it would mean more people would actually know what I'm talking about when I talk about folk music. More people would recognize the bands on the t-shirts I wear. I wouldn't be so weird if more people listened to folk music.

Family or Foe

My brother, Josh has been here since the day before Halloween, so that makes it a total of eight weeks tomorrow. Last Friday, he got drunk and made me mad since then he hasn't really talked to me. I guess it's because he thought he was being funny on Friday, but he wasn't. He always thinks he's being funny when in reality he's being a complete asshole. I always feel bad though, because he doesn't think he didn't do anything. It's almost like he's a child. I don't know what to do about it, because my dad thinks there's a possibility of him being here still in February. I don't think I can handle him being here that long. He is driving me nuts. He won't leave me alone when I ask, he keeps going through my phone, he keeps making fun of me, and my friends. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't here all the time. He doesn't have anything to do here so all he does is sit in the house all day. The fact that I can hardly get along with anyone in my family makes me wonder if I have something wrong with me. If I do not a single soul has had enough guts to point it out to me. I wish someone would tell me why I don't have the ability get along with the people who are supposed to be the closest to me?? I can't wait until I go to college. I just want to get away from my family. I know that sounds like every typical teen, but the difference is I really try to get along with my family. They just seem to think that my life is theirs to control. They always tell me what classes I should take, what college I should go to, what career I should choose, and they don't think I can do anything with music. Not all of this applies to everyone in my family, but when you combine all of them this is the list I get. I feel as if I can never get a break from someone telling me how I should live my life. I just want to be me, and they don't want to let me. At times it feels like my biggest enemy is my family and to me that just doesn't seem right. These are the people who are supposed to be supportive and help me, but they do the exact opposite. They just argue about what my life should be like without even considering what I want. It doesn't seem to matter what I want. This is why I need to move away.

Cold Weather

The cold weather is a blessing and a curse. I've a two hour delay for every day of the school week so far including tomorrow. On the down side I don't like it being so cold. I'm excited for the end of this week because that means I will have two free periods again. My psychology class will be over Thursday and I'll never have to leave during the school day again unless I want to.
Yesterday, my brother locked me in my room and said, "You're not a wizard, Harry." I was stuck in there for only five minutes until my dad came upstairs. He let me out of my room and told my brother that it was a fire hazard.
My life hasn't been too exciting lately just really busy getting ready for all of my Christmas concerts I'm playing in. I've already had two of my Christmas concerts and I have four more to go. I've never had so many concerts to play in for one month before. I may potentially have more opportunities to play, but it all depends on if the lady emails me back. My dad saw an ad in the paper for a female guitarist who could sing and that would be me. Unfortunately, she was looking for someone between the ages of 21 and 40, but I still emailed her anyways. Now I'm just waiting for a response. I should hope she would respond even if she found someone else. I really hope I do get an email back, because I want to get more practice being up on stage before I go to college.

Thanksgiving Break

My Thanksgiving Break was sure not what I was expecting. I spent one full day at my house and that was one Wednesday. Today I am at my house, but I didn't get home until about 11:30. On Thanksgiving day I went to my grandma's like I do every year. My nephew was there, but I didn't get to see him much, because everyone else wanted to see him. My brother seems to think I need to talk more during these family events, but I don't have anything to discuss with my family members. I don't really have much in common with most of them. I'm kind of a black sheep of the family. It was funny though, because my aunt said everyone had either blue or brown eyes. I don't. I have hazel eyes, and I'm the only one who doesn't have blue or brown eyes. I'm also the only female that doesn't look like a little boy. I'm not saying that I'm the only good looking one, because I'm not. I just have a very different body type compared to everyone else. I don't have a boxy figure and weigh a hundred pounds. I'm not fat though either, I actually look like eat food unlike everyone else. I probably weigh about twenty pounds more than my cousin, and she's about an inch or two taller than me. It is almost like I'm adopted, but the only thing that assures me I'm not is that I'm tall, have long, skinny limbs, and high cheekbones. Other than that I look nothing like my cousins or siblings.
My brother and I spent the night at my grandma's in order to go to Black Friday to get suits for Josh. Where I live we don't have any nice clothing stores so if you want to look like decent you have to drive an hour and a half away. The same day as Black Friday we had to go down to where Josh's apartment is to get his stuff, because he's moving. He doesn't have a new place yet, but he will hopefully soon enough. I have spent in total this break somewhere around 13 hours in the car, possibly more I'm not really sure. I'm not ready for school at all tomorrow, but I have no other choice.

The Other Side

I'm beginning to realize that most people want people they can argue with, stereotype, and say that they're wrong. People want to think that the people they agree with are the right people. People like controversy no matter how much they say they want peace. They want something to argue for and argue with. Drama is what people thrive on not your average daily life. They want something to complain about. They want to say that no matter what the other side is always wrong. The other side is stupid. The other side is the complete opposite of what they are. But is that "other side" all that different? The other side has people with beliefs no matter how stupid you find their beliefs. The other side wants something to argue. The other side is just the same as your side. You could be friends with someone from the other side and never know, because the thing that's not important is what your side your from. The other side could contain that one person you've been searching for your entire life, but you wouldn't know because they're from the other side.

Man, Fish, and Whale

I recently had a discussion about Moby Dick in my English class. For some reason everybody seemed to think the white whale represented all things that are good. I would have to disagree. First of all why does the whale have to represent anything? If it does have to represent something why does it have to represent goodness and Captain Ahab be evil? I think the whale is evil and Captain Ahab is good. Captain Ahab had a dream to kill the white whale. It was his passion to kill the white, and he died in his attempt to kill it. The whale was evil, because he didn't need to kill Ahab or anyone else. The whale could have just swam down below the surface where no one could get him, but he chose not to. The whale took down the whole ship and everyone else out of spite. In all seriousness Ahab was the hero of the story, and Moby Dick was the villain. 

We also discussed the Old Man and the Sea. If you think about it Moby Dick and the Old Man and the Sea are almost the same story. The old man could have been happy with just his albacore, but instead he chose to go after the marlin. He cut the albacore loose to catch the marlin. Ahab cut the whales loose after finding out where the white whale was. Both men had something they thought was better to go after and went after it. In the end neither one of them got what they wanted. Ahab died and the old man's fish was eaten by sharks. They both strove for something better and failed. 

Past, Present, and Future

"I'm scared of what's behind and what's before," has to be one of my favorite song lyrics written by Marcus Mumford. It's one hundred percent accurate for me, because I don't like thinking about my past, and my future is completely undecided. I know that being a junior in high school I should have something figured out for college, but I don't have a clue about where or what I want to do for college. Everyone has their own idea of what they want me to do, but I don't want to do what they want. I want to go somewhere far away, but I'm not sure if I'm up for that challenge. I've never lived anywhere besides the place I live now, and it's really small. A big city will be so different compared to where I live, and yet I don't seem to care. I still want to try, because I'm afraid if I don't I won't ever leave here. If I don't leave here I'll go insane due to my family that is insane. I don't like my past, present, and the future is unknown. I hope the future will be better, and I can try to make the best out of the present but that's all I can do.

Endings aren't Really Endings

I've always wondered what happens after the ending of a movie even ones with happy endings. No one ever knows if that happy ending turns out bad. What if the happy couple ends up getting divorced ? Or maybe they never have kids and stay married until death? The point is that you never really know. You could take any section from a person's life and it could have a sad or a happy ending depending in where you begin and where you end. The ending of a movie is never really the ending. The story is continous no matter what the audience is allowed to know. Everyone always gets mad when a movie ends on a cliff hanger but what people don't realize is that every ending is a cliffhanger. There's still more to come after the movie is over.

Loss

I finally found out why my brother, Josh is here. It turns out Josh was contemplating suicide. He didn't want to come here but my dad made him. I'm scared to think of what might have happened had my dad not brought him here. I don't think I could imagine my life without my brother. I know I don't see him much but knowing I would never see him again would be too much to bear. He has been such an important part of my life. I really hope he doesn't ever actually do it. From a conversation I overheard the other day between him and my dad it sounds like he started seeing a therapist which is good.
Not only am I afraid of losing Josh, but I'm also afraid of losing my best friend. She's been distant as of late. Whenever I do to talk to her it's all about her boyfriend. Last night she was walking around town at ten o clock at night. She ended up at my other friends, and she cried hysterically for fifteen minutes about how hard her life is. When she says her life she means her boyfriend's life. She's become way too attached to him. She hardly hangs out with me anymore because of it. She told me the other day that I could spend the night at her house because her boyfriend would be out of town. I told her it was sad we had to wait until her boyfriend was out of town for us to hang out. She said that wasn't the reason, but we might as well take advantage of the opportunity. I think it might be time to find some new friends. The only person who really seems to know or care what's going on with me is my guy friend. We've been hanging out a lot more lately due to the lack of presence of my best friend. Unfortunately, we feel the need to keep it secret from my best friend that we're hanging out more, because she might freak out like she has previously. She used to really like him and seems to get really jealous when we hang out. It's all so ridiculous. I can't wait to be out of high school.

Wake Up Call

Every once in awhile everyone needs a "wake up call." I received a much needed one from my brothers last night. I appreciated the wake up call even though it came from the mouths of intoxication. I had a long night with my older brothers, Brandon and Josh. Brandon gave me a much needed lecture even though it wasn't that long. He knew I needed considering I don't really have anyone else to tell me what he told me. He told me that I needed to make a guy work for me that I couldn't just be giving in to anyone. He said that his girlfriend was really hard to get, and he appreciated that. He also told me that once a girl hits the double digits for guys she's slept with she becomes undesirable. He said once I hit 25 I could be at ten but before then that's not okay. I really needed someone to tell me. Being seventeen already and having the summer I did I need to start playing hard to get. I mean understand there are some girls who play hard to get way too much that it's just obnoxious and no one wants to put up with that, but there's the other extreme being way too easy. There is a happy median between the two, and it's better to be closer to the extreme of being obnoxiously hard to get than on the side of being too easy. In my life so far I've been on the side of being too easy, and I need to stop being on that side.
I was also told that I was more "manly" than both of my brothers which I guess it kind of true. I am not as emotional as they are or rather I choose not to show my emotions as much as they do. I'm not sure what the reasoning is behind that. I know they both have anger problems that I don't have which has to do with the fact that they had to see my parents fight more than I did, but I still saw my fair share of fighting that should have made me have anger problems too. I guess it probably has to do with that I'm a girl and have less testosterone levels to make me angry, but that doesn't explain my lack of emotions altogether compared to them. I guess I just have different genetics or perhaps that I grew up differently than them. I saw a different side of my mom that they didn't see and that they don't have clue about. They even apologized to me last night for leaving me with our mom alone and the responsibility of being the last one to live with her. I was left the position of being our mom's caretaker, and they don't understand how horrible that role is. How emotionally draining it was for me to be mom's sole friend that she relied on without realizing how much she relied on me. I have a feeling that when I moved out it didn't hit that hard, because she still had a boyfriend. Now that she doesn't have a boyfriend she's probably realizing how much really needed me, and I'm not there. I'm sure that's why she tried contacting me recently, but I shot her down. I once again left being responsible for our mom's mental and emotional health. If she someday commits suicide I won't be able to deal with it, because I know I'll feel responsible for her death.

Me, my brother, and Halloween

Two days ago my dad came home with my brother that he went down to see. My brother was unusually quiet for himself that night. So far he's been more talkative but he's still not quite himself. He's been nice to me not that he isn't nice to me, but he hasn't called me faggot once since he's been here. He's been oddly encouraging to me and hard on himself. I don't what has caused this change, but I am concerned about him.
Yesterday was Halloween, of course. I think it was probably the most awkward Halloween I've ever had. It started out nice, I had a good day at school, carved pumpkins with my brother, saw my nephew, and all that. Then I go to pick up my friend and her boyfriend, and my night begins it's series of awkward events. My friend and her boyfriend get in the car, and they both just start yelling at each other about the plans for the night. I don't even know what's going on I just keep driving waiting for them to stop. At some point they do so I start talking and making jokes to relieve the tension. This works until we get to my friend's house, and she asks me to leave her room so they begin fighting with each other again. Finally, I'm let out of the bathroom, and we end up going to City Park to hang out with the losers of our town.
While we're there I end up swinging, and some guy pushes me on the swing. This guy ends up touching my ass multiple times. I didn't know what to do, eventually he ends up pushing someone else. My friend ends up going over to talk to her boyfriend thinking I was following her, but I wasn't. I end up getting left with these random guys one of which thinks I'm super pretty. After a few awkward exchanges of conversation with this guy that finds me very pretty, my friend comes back to save me realizing who she'd left me with.
That was the biggest awkward event of the night, but the best part about yesterday was I dressed up as Walter White, and I carved the Heisenberg drawing in my pumpkin. My pumpkin was pretty awesome.

Meltdowns

I'm in my room putting my clothes, because I haven't done laundry in awhile, and the floor of my room is covered in clothing. My dad had left for about fifteen minutes to go to the post office. When he came back, he comes to my room to tell me he's leaving that my brother is the middle of some sort of melt down. He leaves me with his debit card, so I can get food if I want anything. He doesn't tell me when he's coming back or what the hell is wrong with my brother just gets in the shower and afterwards leaves.
Now my brother lives somewhere around 5-6 hours away, so for my dad to drop everything and go attend to my brothers needs must mean it needs to be pretty serious. My dad told me before he left he might be bringing my brother back here, so I'm not sure what to think. My brother has a tendency to be a little over dramatic and this could be somewhat of a Peter cries wolf type thing. The fact that my dad didn't really tell me much about my brother's current emotional state is leaving my mind wandering. I'm trying to keep it from the worst places and so far that's working. I'm keeping myself occupied with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Reddit. My dad just called me but that was just to see how I'm doing not to give me any updates on my brother. I have to remember though he's not there yet and won't be for a couple hours.

Band

Being in band can be very irritating and not because people who aren't band make fun of, because at my high school they don't. Instead you have to be concerned about everyone IN band making fun of you. In our band every girl is either fat or extremely ugly so naturally when a girl like me who is of average attractiveness it's a rare occurrence. All the guys in band switch back and forth from treating me like a bro or making fun of everything I do. It can get very irritating. We have this one guy in band who is really fat, and he's pretty much home-schooled except he takes band at the high school. He seems to think it's hilarious to say everything I do is stupid or to mock me, and I'm about on my last thread with him. If he keeps it up he's going to come into band one morning and not be able to find his saxophone anywhere. This year I've been the only one to pull any pranks, and I've done two that have been pretty bad ones at that. The problem is that people are terrible at looking for the things that go missing. Last year, people would look for a whole class period, now people look for five minutes and give up. My last prank seem to cause quite an uproar. I hid a freshman's trumpet. I put the case in plain sight, the trumpet in another case, the buttons to the trumpet in multiple cases, and the mouthpiece in a plastic bin. The freshman's mom ended up coming into the school all pissed off and our band teacher ended finding it after a minimal time spent looking. During lunch that day he talked to a couple of my friends and I to see if we knew who it was. We ended up blaming it on a guy who had dropped out the day before that none of us really liked. I so far haven't been discovered only due to the fact that I'm the least likely culprit. So I guess what I'd like to say is that anyone that wants to be mean to me should think about it beforehand. Especially since on the bus from the way back from the football some guy asked me out of nowhere if I still talked to my mom which was really none of his business to begin with. There was complete silence after I said no, and thank god one of the guys said something, because I didn't know what to do. My friend sitting next to me didn't know what to do either. He told me later he would've said something had he known what to say, but there wasn't much anyone could do.

Statistics

I've been taking a psychology class at the college, and I've been learning more than I expected. It's amazing to me how much everyone's childhood has an affect on their life later on. Statistically, I should be one of the most depressed, angry people possible, but I'm the exact opposite. Okay, so maybe I'm not extremely happy, but I am a super calm person for the most part. I've been reading quite a bit about kids and the role their parents play in their future happiness, and how much more introverted kids are affected by their home environment. Studies have shown that kids who live with a single mom that has a low socioeconomic status are more prone to anger problems and depression. To further that study kids who have divorced parents have the same issue, and kids who are introverted are more likely to take a turn for the worse if their home life is stressful or hostile. I am an introvert with divorced parents, and when I lived with my mom she had a low socioeconomic status. So then why am I not a complete sociopath? Or why am I not breaking down in tears constantly? I will admit I have had my spurts of depression, but so has everyone else. Why is it that some people who statistically should be a complete wreck are not while other kids, who statistically should be perfectly fine are not? Why is it that my friends are worse off than me even though statistically they have a better family life than me? I'm not trying to say that my friends are terrible people but one of my friends does have major depression issues and her home life is fine. She has two parents who love her very much, and her parents are still married. So why is she the one who finds it difficult to not cut herself and I don't? According to statistics I probably should have thought about suicide a few times by now, and I haven't. Although I have been depressed and acted on my depression. When I was fifteen I ran away from home hoping that my mom would appreciate me more or hoping she would ease up on me, but that didn't happen. Instead when I returned home she practically told me there was something wrong with me, and I needed to go to therapy because of it. She didn't even cry when I came home, and my dad was bawling. Even my brother Jake cried, and my other brother was on his way home from college to come look for me. My mom didn't cry and made fun of my tactics for running way. She said what kid would do this when they ran away. There was an entire list of things I'd done wrong with my attempt, it was almost as if she was egging me on to try again so I could do it right. She also told me that I was taking the easy way out of my problems but that wasn't the case. I just felt like I had nothing else I could do to solve my problems so I ran away thinking it would help.

For the Love of Music

I am in love!....with music. I couldn't possibly be in love with a human that I regularly interact with. My one and only true passion is music. I can't say that I will ever be able to love anyone or anything more. If my life didn't have music, it would have no meaning. Music makes it easy for me to be in love with it when it provides me with talented eye candy. My only hope is that there will be the same type of talented attract males when the day comes for me to fall in love with a person, which won't be for multiple years. Although this future person has a lot of expectations to live up to considering my present interests. I mean a person can't get much better than Scott Avett, Marcus Mumford, or Wesley Schultz. Those guys are truly amazing. Not only are they talented, but they are attractive although I'm sure part of the attraction is their incredible talent. I just that someday I can be close to what they are. Each concert I've been to has made me want what they have so badly. I want to be an indie folk musician is that too much to ask? I already write my own songs. I just need a band to go with them. I want to keep folk music alive for as long as possible, and I believe I can help. My dream is to someday play with The Avett Brothers, Mumford and Sons, and The Lumineers. Not necessarily all at the same time, but at some point I would love it if that were ever made possible. I feel in a sense that if I can't have a career as a musician that my life will have been for nothing. Okay, maybe, not entirely nothing, but I just wouldn't be happy with myself if I didn't become a musician. I would be a disappointment to myself. Music is all I really want.

October

Yesterday, I went to the store with my dad, because number one I was bored and number two the guy I like works there. My dad sends me off to look for boot laces. When I come back I find him in the same aisle as the guy I like, but of course I was oblivious to the fact he was even there. I tell my dad I couldn't find the ones he wanted, and Cody starts talking to me. He asks me how was chemistry, and we have a short but fairly long conversation for the grocery store. I was surprised that my dad didn't say anything afterwards, because he always asks me who people are after I'm done talking to them. 

When my dad exit the store, there is a cart in my way, so my dad moves it for me. He says, "Who would leave their cart right here," and then reaching for the unfinished lollipop in the cart, "And why wouldn't they finish their lollipop? I will do it for them." We both laugh as he pulls his hand away before touching the lollipop. 

While we were in the store my dad had me go get Halloween candy, and I couldn't help but I also get some candy corn. Candy corn is the only part about Halloween that I actually like. I am one of those abnormal people who dislikes Halloween. Unfortunately, my best friend is making me go trick-or-treating with her, her boyfriend, and Cody. The only reason we're going is, because her boyfriend's parents used to be Jehovah's Witnesses and has never been trick-or-treating. I was going to have to dress up, but I think I might be able to get out of it. I don't like dressing up or asking strangers for candy, so Halloween is just a big no-no for me. 

One thing that I am looking forward to is tomorrow, because my birthday present from my dad was two tickets to the Avett Brothers concert. I'm so excited for it! We have to drive about five to six hours to get to the concert, but it's definitely worth it.

Forgiveness and Feelings

I finally understand now why my mom and I haven't been able to have a relationship since I moved out. It's not because she's incapable of loving that's wrong. She can. I am unable to forgive her. I don't know why I can't forgive but something in me won't let me. Something about thought of her reentering my life sounds like poison to my emotions and thought process. I realize that until I forgive her I can't talk to her, and I'm not sure I can forgive her which means bad news for me. If I can't forgive my own mother then what kind of person does that make me? How can I have other relationships in my life if I can't have one with my mom? Looking back on what little experience of intimate relationships I've had they've been horrible. Granted, I've only had two, and one of them wasn't even my boyfriend. Why do I have such a problem with being emotionally invested in people? My first and only boyfriend was a complete ass, and I destroyed him unintentionally. My other relationship had no feelings involved what so ever and that was a huge mistake. A mistake that may prove to be a problem if I pursue the current guy I'm interested in.
I think it may be best if I never involve myself in another relationship again.

Seventeen

Today is my birthday, and I am turning 17. Woo! I know this year isn't quite over yet, but I feel like it's been a great year. This year has probably been the best year of my life. It's amazing to me how much I've grown as a person since my last birthday. The schedule I have this year I wouldn't have been able to handle last year. Also, my violin skills have improved massively. This year when the chairman for second violins was gone for sinfonietta, I was asked to sit up front. The lady who sits up front with the first chairman had told me I had played better than her at the last rehearsal and asked me to sit up front with her. I was amazed and honored at the same time. She later told my violin teacher that I was able to play just as well as her and that she'd have to start practicing more. I am very proud of myself for my violin abilities and how far I've come in the past five almost six years of playing violin. Not only have my violin skills improved but my skills as a musician have come a long way. I can write my own songs, I can come up with parts to songs by ear, and I can now sing really well. This is the first time probably in my entire life that I've been this happy with myself. I know I most likely sound very arrogant and egotistical, but I've always had low self-esteem and for once I'm happy with myself.

Acorn Squash and Watermelon

Yesterday, I decided to help my dad out and make dinner. We were having salmon and acorn squash. The salmon was cooked the previous night by my dad, so the only thing I had to do was cook the acorn squash. I didn't know where the squash was located, and asked my dad where it was. He told me it was on the counter where other food items were placed such as: acorn squash, butternut squash, a small watermelon grown in our garden, apples, and yams. I asked my dad if the acorn squash was green and he said yes. I picked up the small watermelon thinking it was an acorn squash. I cut open the "acorn squash." Inside the squash is red, and I finally realize it's not a squash. I figure out which one of the food items is an acorn squash and proceed to cook the acorn squash. When my dad finds out what I did he starts laughing at me. He can't believe that someone could mistake a watermelon for an acorn squash. I tell him it's easy when the watermelon is very small.

Fantasy

This week is homecoming week, my least favorite week of the year, because of how pointless it is and how excited everyone gets over it. On the bright side though, Sam, my nephew, is having his first birthday this Saturday! He is the most adorable baby. I had to watch him last Sunday for a little bit with my brother while my other brother, Sam's dad was working. It almost felt like watching two kids since my brother who is 22 years old asked me to make him Mac N' Cheese. My birthday present for Sam consist of a blue blanket with bears on it and a Halloween T-shirt that says, "Stay Spooky." My birthday is only five days after Sam's on 10/10 which has to be the coolest day to be born on. Not only is my day and month the same, but the number is the first double digit. My mom told me once that she had found this thing that said being born on 10/10 meant you had some sort of special power like being the seventh son of seventh son, but she couldn't remember what it was.
I won fantasy baseball. I had hoped I would when I started, but I wasn't sure that I would. I just wanted to make sure I beat my brother which I did by quite a bit, because he got eighth place. My dad played to, and he placed fifth. For the championship game I beat a guy who changed his pitchers pretty much every day. This guy basically lived, breathed, and ate Fantasy Baseball, and he was beat by a sixteen year old girl. I think it's funny that someone would put so much effort towards something and get beat by a girl who's sixteen.

September

I must admit the first month of my Junior year wasn't what I was expecting. I know the month is quite over yet, but it's close enough. It's been a decent year, better than most years I have to say. I was expecting this year to be completely awful because of my classes, but my classes have been surprisingly easy. Also, I've been getting quite a bit of attention from the most random people this year. I'm not sure why, but all of sudden people seem to realize I actually exist. I guess being in this school for two years now probably has something to do with it, but it could also have something to do with the fact that the clothes I'm wearing are better than in years past. I haven't had one jeans and sweatshirt day at all this year which I believe is a new record. Another contributing factor to people noticing me more could be, because I dated a guy last year that pretty much everyone knew. I'm still not sure how that ended up happening, it could be that even though he was popular he wasn't very attractive, and he was pretty weird.
I have a better outlook for the rest of the year. With the events that happened my sophomore year and this summer I'm beginning to realize that just about anything is possible. I think junior year might be a pretty decent year.

Today

I recently started a class at my local community college through a program at my school, so it's free for me to go. The class I'm taking is Intro to Psychology, it's a 200 class. After the first class, I was unsure of it and thought for sure I was going to hate it. Today changed my mind though, because we get to do a couple projects that are going to be lots of fun. I decided I want to do a book report on the book, Quiet by Susan Cain. It's a book comparing introverts and extroverts. I am fascinated by the differences between introverts and extroverts due to my dad's obsession with it. I love psychology, because I've tried on so many different levels to understand my mom. I want to learn more about psychology, because I want to know why my mom makes the decisions she  makes.
On the low point of my day, I discovered that a close guy friend of mine might possibly like me. Most girls like attention they get from guys, but I don't if there's the potential of someone getting hurt or if I accidentally lead a guy on. My close friend, Jessica texted me last night asking if I'd like a set of all the seasons of Breaking Bad for my birthday. Of course I said yes, because I absolutely love Breaking Bad, and I hadn't considered how much it would cost at the time. Today, she told me that the aforementioned guy was going to get me that for my birthday. I told her to dissuade him from getting it for me, because I don't like people giving me expensive gifts, especially since Jessica told me he's going to work really hard to earn the money for it. This whole thing really makes me sad, because he's a really nice guy, and he doesn't deserve to get hurt. This is why I try to stay away from guys, I don't like hurting people.

Sickness

I did end up going to the Lumineers concert last night!!! It was absolutely amazing!! I loved everything about it! It was kinda funny though, because we ended up sitting right next to these really drunk guys. They were pretty funny. When we were waiting for the concert to start they were talking about animals they would have on their rugby team. I felt pretty decent before and during the concert, but afterwards my voice was extremely hoarse. Everyone at school today kept making fun of my voice, because I sounded like a man. I only ended up getting around four hours of sleep last night so tomorrow I'm going to skip first period. The main reason I'm skipping first period is, because I have band, and we have to march tomorrow. Marching sounds exhausting, and I want sleep.
On the up side, the guy I like talked to me during chemistry. This guy also likes me. It was just my luck that he chose today to have a conversation with me considering that I sounded like a man. He sympathized with me about being sick which according to my friend he rarely pities people. Not that I enjoy being pitied, but he was the first one to not comment on the horribleness of my voice.

Beheading

Right now is the most perfect time in my life for me to get beheaded. I have an awful headache, I'm congested, have a runny nose, sore throat, my teeth hurt from clenching them, and my ears won't pop(they need to pop desperately). The worst part about all of this is The Lumineers concert is tonight. I absolutely love The Lumineers along with Mumford and Sons, Of Monsters and Men, and The Avett Brothers. Of all the days in my entire life, I have to be sick on this one. I'm hoping that by the time we have to leave I feel better, because I have a feeling my dad won't let me go if I still feel like this. I always have such awful luck when it comes to being sick. Last February, I got sick right before Winter Formal. The day of Winter Formal I was laying on the couch, and my dad says to me, "You look like death." That was exactly what I wanted to hear before I had to make an attempt to look like a human. Fortunately and unfortunately, I felt better by the time I had to leave. I say fortunately and unfortunately, because I dislike dances very much. The only reason I went to Winter Formal last year was, because the guy I was dating at the time loved going to dances so I kinda had to go. Anyways, I really hope that this cold diminishes at least somewhat before tonight. I would probably be one of the saddest people in the world if I didn't get to go.

Moles and Moms

In my chemistry class I sit in the corner, as previously mentioned. This isn't an ordinary corner. In my corner there are a file cabinet, pictures of past students, and a stack of moles made out of cloth. These moles are all different and very colorful. There are too many of them for my comfort, and I have to sit right next to them. Today, my chemistry teacher was doing a power point presentation, and we were talking about measurements. One of the measurements was mole. My teacher said mole was her favorite measurement and proceeded to explain that's why there was a stack of moles in her classroom. With this knowledge I felt slightly better about having to sit next to the moles, but I still did not appreciate the quantity of moles.
This morning, just as I had gotten in the car to leave for school my neighbor drove by and motioned for me to roll down my window. Her first question was, "Are you Ms. Holbrook's daughter?" This question threw me off guard considering I live with my dad and was told a month ago by my mom that she didn't want to know me anymore. I answered with a yes. She proceeded to ask me if I would babysit which I responded with a "Yeah, sure, I guess." I was unsettled by this interview and was being a little rude without realizing. She told me her daughter was in my mom's class and that my mom had told her that I would babysit for her. This had angered me, because my mom won't talk to me anymore, but she'll talk about me like I still live with her. I have gotten to the point in my life where I don't really think about my mom so when she finds a way to still get into my life without doing it herself I find it very upsetting. I know I shouldn't let her bother me so much, but I do. I used to think my mom was the greatest person for the longest time, and it still hurts to know what she really is. I think to myself I can manage without her or a mom in general, but then something will happen in my life, and I find myself wanting a mom(who's not insane) so bad.

Fifth Wheel Gets a Date

My best friend was told that a guy was going to ask her to homecoming. Now she has never been asked out or anything of the sort ever so she was a little nervous at the prospect of this happening. I told her, being the amazing friend that I am, that I would go with her so it would be less awkward. I decided to have my other best friend go too with her boyfriend. In this situation I was to be the fifth wheel, and they needed me to go because I'm the only one of my friends who can drive. I had told my dad about me fifth wheeling for my friends, and he had told me I was being a good friend.
Today, I got asked to homecoming by one of close guy friends. I said yes since he asked me as a friend and I don't have to be a fifth wheel anymore. I came home today and was talking to my dad. I said, "I don't have to be a fifth wheel anymore." My dad said, "Oh, did everyone else decide not to go?" "Wow. Thanks Dad." "It was meant to be funny." It's always good to know that your dad has no faith in you to get a date to homecoming. I'm glad that a friend of mine asked me though, so I don't have to go through the whole process of my dad having to meet the guy I'm going to homecoming because he's already met him.

Happiness in a Jar

Peanut butter is a main staple in my house. My dad and I absolutely love peanut butter. I decided this school year I would keep a jar of peanut butter in my locker for lunch. I take a spoon to school and eat peanut butter right out of the jar. One day during my free period I was hungry, because I had skipped lunch, and I decided I wanted some peanut butter. The only problem was I didn't have a spoon. I have friend who has the same free period as me, so we went in search to find me a spoon. We first went to the cafeteria, in hopes that it was still open, it was not. Next, we decided to go to our band teacher, because he always has plastic spoons for fundraising events. We go downstairs to the band room and he's in helping another of my friends practice a song. He asks, "What do you need?" I say, "I WANNA SPOON!" My friend that had walked with me down there says, "I should specify she means A spoon. Not TO spoon." Our band teacher says okay because that would've been inappropriate as the rest of us are just laughing hysterically. He goes into his office finds a metal spoon, and I ask if he has any plastic spoons instead. I wanted to be able to throw away the spoon when I was done. He has to open another room and gets me a plastic spoon. After that I eat the last bit of what's left of my Happiness in a Jar.

A Little Bit About Me

As of late my life hasn't been too exciting. I get up every morning, go to school, come home, do homework, practice violin, and watch T.V. On Tuesdays I drive a half an hour from town to play with two orchestral groups leaving at 4:30 and returning at 9:30. On Wednesdays, I take a violin lesson, and on Thursdays I teach two violin lessons. This schedule sounds simple enough but the classes I take prove differently. I take two AP classes, chemistry, Pre-Calculus, and will be starting a college class on Psychology in two weeks. Fortunately, I have a free period during the day, so I have time to do homework during the day. I try my best to be a straight A student, but I'm not. My GPA is a 3.9, so I suppose that's close enough, right?

 I have two obnoxious dogs. One is a toy poodle, the other is a dachshund. Their names are Tweakers(used to be Amico) and P-Knut. We renamed Amico, Tweakers, because he has bad teeth, shakes, can't breathe well, has patchy fur, and much more. 

My parents are divorced. I live with my dad, although I used to live with my mom, but she's pretty psycho. My brothers are 24 and 22. Both of my brothers live within 6 hours of where I live. I enjoy their company more now that they are older and nicer. 

I love to play violin if you couldn't tell already. I also play guitar, bass, piano, baritone, mandolin, and ukulele. I like to sing and write my indie folk songs. For my last birthday my dad bought me a recording system that I paid for half. It, surprisingly, only cost $300 with the program, microphone, and everything else that I needed. My recorded songs, of course, don't have the quality of songs you hear on the radio and buy on iTunes, but it still sounds good all the same. 

So there you have it a little bit about me.

Being Civilized is Overrated

I'm not a sappy romance girl or a girly girl. I'm a girl who is growing up with two older brothers and goes camping, fishing, and rafting with my dad, his friend, my brothers, and my dad's friend's sons. Out of these aforementioned people I am the only girl and haven't learned the ways of feminism very well. My best friend is doing her best to help me, but she seems to be having difficulties. Now having said all that I feel comfortable telling my story without seeming like a drama queen or something.
The other day my dad sent me to the grocery store for the second day in a row. I wouldn't have minded so much except that there's a guy who works that my friend is trying to get me to out with. This guy, Cody, had seen me at the store the day before while he was working so I had my fingers crossed that either he wouldn't be working or wouldn't see me. Alas, neither of those happened. As soon as I walked in the door he was walking out to go fix the bottle and can exchange. I couldn't believe it. Of course I was embarrassed, because I figured he'd think I was stalking him like some creeper. Fortunately he didn't. I have found out information on his opinion of me through my friend.
The reason my dad had sent me to the store that day was to get one of those already cooked chickens from the deli. When I got home my dad and I ate the entire with our bare hands. We are clearly, very civilized people.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

When I was about five years old, I was an evil child. Now you might think at five years old you can't be that evil, but I was. I had good reason for the evil things I did. My brother is seven years older than, and back then he was merciless. He loved animals though and had a fish tank. So I decided to take out my anger with my brother on his fish. Every week or so I would take his fish net and catch a couple of fish. I would then put a fish on his bookshelf or flush it down the toilet. In the meantime my mom kept yelling at my brother for not taking care of his fish, because she thought his fish were eating each other. After a couple months my brother finally caught me one day with his fish net and fish in it. He proceeded to chase me down the hall as I screamed. My mom gave me a talking to later but that didn't stop me from getting back at him with something else.
My brother has to wear contacts and kept them on a table in the dining room so he could put them in while he was on his way out. One day no one was paying any attention to me, and I was alone in the dining room. At this point I knew exactly what to do. I picked up my brother's contacts and unscrewed the lids. I took the hairspray and sprayed it into my brother's contacts.
The next morning we were getting ready for school, and my brother was about ready to put his contacts in. I sat there waiting eagerly. He took out the first contact, opened his eyelid, and put it in. He yelled out in pain, and I began to snicker and run away. My mom caught me before I got away and asked me what I'd done. I told her, and I received another talking to.

Isolation

I don't think most people realize how slow the process of isolation is. I live on a street with few nice houses and all the run down houses are next to mine. My dad and I have been living in this for a little over a year. Our first summer here our next door neighbor on the left was put in a mental hospital, and his house is still empty. Last summer our next door neighbors on the right moved out, because they didn't make payments on their house. That house is still empty too.

Not only on my street do I not have anyone near me, but in my chemistry class the same situation is already happening. On the first day my chemistry teacher assigned us seats at random. I, very unluckily, was put at the table in the front in the corner. Now you'd think being upfront, "well what are you complaining about isolation for. You're the center of attention upfront." Wrong. The table in the front has six people at it, and there's a table right behind where I sit that's as tall as me when I'm sitting down. This spot wasn't too terribly lonely looking until Friday. On Friday the kid sitting next to me decided to switch out, and one of the kids who sits behind me switched out. Fortunately, the kid behind me was replaced by someone else. Also the other kid who sits behind me was late, for about ten minutes of the class I was completely alone in my corner. The kid who sits behind later said to me, "You look really lonely over there." He's 100% right. 

Mountain Man

Before school started my dad and I went to have a meeting with my principal about my schedule. Why wasn't I able to meet with my counselor like most schools?? All the counselors at my school at the end of last school year quit so our new counselors weren't prepared to deal with rearranging schedules, I guess. Anyways, My dad and I are sitting in the office waiting for the principal to finish with the student currently in his office. Earlier, my dad had mentioned how impressed he was with our principal. At the time I had thought he was either crazy or thinking of our previous vice principal(he also quit and went to work for a different school). As we're waiting the principal comes out for a brief second and says,"I'll be with you in a few minutes."

My dad turns to me and says, "That's your principal?" I respond with a simple yes and proceed to ask him why. He says, "That mountain man is your principal. 'Wait a minute, please while I'll finish my doobie." I begin laughing my ass off, because he was completely right. My principal has a pot belly with Einsteinesque white hair and grayish goatee. He also wears glasses that give him a constant bewildered look. When he talks he's completely out of it and has pretty much no idea what he's talking about. There you have the lovely principal of my high school.

Heisenberg Fridays

My best friend and I went school shopping together, and we both bought Heisenberg T-shirts. Originally, when we bought the T-shirts we thought hey it's "Breaking Bad" T-shirt let's get it. After we bought them though we came up with the grand idea of having what we call "Heisenberg Fridays." Every other Friday we're going to wear our Heisenberg T-shirts to school. So far we've only had one Heisenberg Friday and had many people comment on our t-shirts. We were even able to get another girl from our school to wear a "Breaking Bad" t-shirt of her own for the next Heisenberg Friday.

In the morning before I left for school my dad and I were talking about "Breaking Bad," and if I was going to ask my chemistry teacher about methyl-whatever it is. I responded with, "Dad, it's called methylamine. It's the stuff they replaced the sudafed with. It's also what makes the meth blue." 

"I feel like such a great father, discussing how to make meth with my daughter." I laughed at him, because it's quite obvious to everyone who knows me that I wouldn't make or do meth. I must admit though a science teacher who turns into a meth cook is a good show though. 

Winter, the Season of Dead Things

My dad has been planning our Christmas decorations since last spring when he found a dead flower in a Charlie Brown Christmas mug by our shed in the backyard. I had put it there in hopes that it would grow but it did not. When he found the flower he comes up to me and says, "This is the saddest thing I have ever seen." I didn't really respond but just laughed at him. He tells me he wants to save it for Christmas, because he wants to put out dead things for Christmas. 

After that he decides to keep a dead tree to put out during Christmas, and he wants to hang doll parts on our Christmas Tree. I asked him why he wants to do this, and he responded with,"We're going to celebrate winter instead of Christmas, because I hate Christmas. And winter is the season of dead things so we're going to put out dead things." 

His most recent idea for his celebration of dead things is to get the Nativity figurines and hang them from the tree like nooses. I must admit my dad has the darkest sense of humor ever. I knew I had a dark sense of humor, but it's nothing close to his.