Meltdowns

I'm in my room putting my clothes, because I haven't done laundry in awhile, and the floor of my room is covered in clothing. My dad had left for about fifteen minutes to go to the post office. When he came back, he comes to my room to tell me he's leaving that my brother is the middle of some sort of melt down. He leaves me with his debit card, so I can get food if I want anything. He doesn't tell me when he's coming back or what the hell is wrong with my brother just gets in the shower and afterwards leaves.
Now my brother lives somewhere around 5-6 hours away, so for my dad to drop everything and go attend to my brothers needs must mean it needs to be pretty serious. My dad told me before he left he might be bringing my brother back here, so I'm not sure what to think. My brother has a tendency to be a little over dramatic and this could be somewhat of a Peter cries wolf type thing. The fact that my dad didn't really tell me much about my brother's current emotional state is leaving my mind wandering. I'm trying to keep it from the worst places and so far that's working. I'm keeping myself occupied with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Reddit. My dad just called me but that was just to see how I'm doing not to give me any updates on my brother. I have to remember though he's not there yet and won't be for a couple hours.

Band

Being in band can be very irritating and not because people who aren't band make fun of, because at my high school they don't. Instead you have to be concerned about everyone IN band making fun of you. In our band every girl is either fat or extremely ugly so naturally when a girl like me who is of average attractiveness it's a rare occurrence. All the guys in band switch back and forth from treating me like a bro or making fun of everything I do. It can get very irritating. We have this one guy in band who is really fat, and he's pretty much home-schooled except he takes band at the high school. He seems to think it's hilarious to say everything I do is stupid or to mock me, and I'm about on my last thread with him. If he keeps it up he's going to come into band one morning and not be able to find his saxophone anywhere. This year I've been the only one to pull any pranks, and I've done two that have been pretty bad ones at that. The problem is that people are terrible at looking for the things that go missing. Last year, people would look for a whole class period, now people look for five minutes and give up. My last prank seem to cause quite an uproar. I hid a freshman's trumpet. I put the case in plain sight, the trumpet in another case, the buttons to the trumpet in multiple cases, and the mouthpiece in a plastic bin. The freshman's mom ended up coming into the school all pissed off and our band teacher ended finding it after a minimal time spent looking. During lunch that day he talked to a couple of my friends and I to see if we knew who it was. We ended up blaming it on a guy who had dropped out the day before that none of us really liked. I so far haven't been discovered only due to the fact that I'm the least likely culprit. So I guess what I'd like to say is that anyone that wants to be mean to me should think about it beforehand. Especially since on the bus from the way back from the football some guy asked me out of nowhere if I still talked to my mom which was really none of his business to begin with. There was complete silence after I said no, and thank god one of the guys said something, because I didn't know what to do. My friend sitting next to me didn't know what to do either. He told me later he would've said something had he known what to say, but there wasn't much anyone could do.

Statistics

I've been taking a psychology class at the college, and I've been learning more than I expected. It's amazing to me how much everyone's childhood has an affect on their life later on. Statistically, I should be one of the most depressed, angry people possible, but I'm the exact opposite. Okay, so maybe I'm not extremely happy, but I am a super calm person for the most part. I've been reading quite a bit about kids and the role their parents play in their future happiness, and how much more introverted kids are affected by their home environment. Studies have shown that kids who live with a single mom that has a low socioeconomic status are more prone to anger problems and depression. To further that study kids who have divorced parents have the same issue, and kids who are introverted are more likely to take a turn for the worse if their home life is stressful or hostile. I am an introvert with divorced parents, and when I lived with my mom she had a low socioeconomic status. So then why am I not a complete sociopath? Or why am I not breaking down in tears constantly? I will admit I have had my spurts of depression, but so has everyone else. Why is it that some people who statistically should be a complete wreck are not while other kids, who statistically should be perfectly fine are not? Why is it that my friends are worse off than me even though statistically they have a better family life than me? I'm not trying to say that my friends are terrible people but one of my friends does have major depression issues and her home life is fine. She has two parents who love her very much, and her parents are still married. So why is she the one who finds it difficult to not cut herself and I don't? According to statistics I probably should have thought about suicide a few times by now, and I haven't. Although I have been depressed and acted on my depression. When I was fifteen I ran away from home hoping that my mom would appreciate me more or hoping she would ease up on me, but that didn't happen. Instead when I returned home she practically told me there was something wrong with me, and I needed to go to therapy because of it. She didn't even cry when I came home, and my dad was bawling. Even my brother Jake cried, and my other brother was on his way home from college to come look for me. My mom didn't cry and made fun of my tactics for running way. She said what kid would do this when they ran away. There was an entire list of things I'd done wrong with my attempt, it was almost as if she was egging me on to try again so I could do it right. She also told me that I was taking the easy way out of my problems but that wasn't the case. I just felt like I had nothing else I could do to solve my problems so I ran away thinking it would help.

For the Love of Music

I am in love!....with music. I couldn't possibly be in love with a human that I regularly interact with. My one and only true passion is music. I can't say that I will ever be able to love anyone or anything more. If my life didn't have music, it would have no meaning. Music makes it easy for me to be in love with it when it provides me with talented eye candy. My only hope is that there will be the same type of talented attract males when the day comes for me to fall in love with a person, which won't be for multiple years. Although this future person has a lot of expectations to live up to considering my present interests. I mean a person can't get much better than Scott Avett, Marcus Mumford, or Wesley Schultz. Those guys are truly amazing. Not only are they talented, but they are attractive although I'm sure part of the attraction is their incredible talent. I just that someday I can be close to what they are. Each concert I've been to has made me want what they have so badly. I want to be an indie folk musician is that too much to ask? I already write my own songs. I just need a band to go with them. I want to keep folk music alive for as long as possible, and I believe I can help. My dream is to someday play with The Avett Brothers, Mumford and Sons, and The Lumineers. Not necessarily all at the same time, but at some point I would love it if that were ever made possible. I feel in a sense that if I can't have a career as a musician that my life will have been for nothing. Okay, maybe, not entirely nothing, but I just wouldn't be happy with myself if I didn't become a musician. I would be a disappointment to myself. Music is all I really want.

October

Yesterday, I went to the store with my dad, because number one I was bored and number two the guy I like works there. My dad sends me off to look for boot laces. When I come back I find him in the same aisle as the guy I like, but of course I was oblivious to the fact he was even there. I tell my dad I couldn't find the ones he wanted, and Cody starts talking to me. He asks me how was chemistry, and we have a short but fairly long conversation for the grocery store. I was surprised that my dad didn't say anything afterwards, because he always asks me who people are after I'm done talking to them. 

When my dad exit the store, there is a cart in my way, so my dad moves it for me. He says, "Who would leave their cart right here," and then reaching for the unfinished lollipop in the cart, "And why wouldn't they finish their lollipop? I will do it for them." We both laugh as he pulls his hand away before touching the lollipop. 

While we were in the store my dad had me go get Halloween candy, and I couldn't help but I also get some candy corn. Candy corn is the only part about Halloween that I actually like. I am one of those abnormal people who dislikes Halloween. Unfortunately, my best friend is making me go trick-or-treating with her, her boyfriend, and Cody. The only reason we're going is, because her boyfriend's parents used to be Jehovah's Witnesses and has never been trick-or-treating. I was going to have to dress up, but I think I might be able to get out of it. I don't like dressing up or asking strangers for candy, so Halloween is just a big no-no for me. 

One thing that I am looking forward to is tomorrow, because my birthday present from my dad was two tickets to the Avett Brothers concert. I'm so excited for it! We have to drive about five to six hours to get to the concert, but it's definitely worth it.

Forgiveness and Feelings

I finally understand now why my mom and I haven't been able to have a relationship since I moved out. It's not because she's incapable of loving that's wrong. She can. I am unable to forgive her. I don't know why I can't forgive but something in me won't let me. Something about thought of her reentering my life sounds like poison to my emotions and thought process. I realize that until I forgive her I can't talk to her, and I'm not sure I can forgive her which means bad news for me. If I can't forgive my own mother then what kind of person does that make me? How can I have other relationships in my life if I can't have one with my mom? Looking back on what little experience of intimate relationships I've had they've been horrible. Granted, I've only had two, and one of them wasn't even my boyfriend. Why do I have such a problem with being emotionally invested in people? My first and only boyfriend was a complete ass, and I destroyed him unintentionally. My other relationship had no feelings involved what so ever and that was a huge mistake. A mistake that may prove to be a problem if I pursue the current guy I'm interested in.
I think it may be best if I never involve myself in another relationship again.

Seventeen

Today is my birthday, and I am turning 17. Woo! I know this year isn't quite over yet, but I feel like it's been a great year. This year has probably been the best year of my life. It's amazing to me how much I've grown as a person since my last birthday. The schedule I have this year I wouldn't have been able to handle last year. Also, my violin skills have improved massively. This year when the chairman for second violins was gone for sinfonietta, I was asked to sit up front. The lady who sits up front with the first chairman had told me I had played better than her at the last rehearsal and asked me to sit up front with her. I was amazed and honored at the same time. She later told my violin teacher that I was able to play just as well as her and that she'd have to start practicing more. I am very proud of myself for my violin abilities and how far I've come in the past five almost six years of playing violin. Not only have my violin skills improved but my skills as a musician have come a long way. I can write my own songs, I can come up with parts to songs by ear, and I can now sing really well. This is the first time probably in my entire life that I've been this happy with myself. I know I most likely sound very arrogant and egotistical, but I've always had low self-esteem and for once I'm happy with myself.

Acorn Squash and Watermelon

Yesterday, I decided to help my dad out and make dinner. We were having salmon and acorn squash. The salmon was cooked the previous night by my dad, so the only thing I had to do was cook the acorn squash. I didn't know where the squash was located, and asked my dad where it was. He told me it was on the counter where other food items were placed such as: acorn squash, butternut squash, a small watermelon grown in our garden, apples, and yams. I asked my dad if the acorn squash was green and he said yes. I picked up the small watermelon thinking it was an acorn squash. I cut open the "acorn squash." Inside the squash is red, and I finally realize it's not a squash. I figure out which one of the food items is an acorn squash and proceed to cook the acorn squash. When my dad finds out what I did he starts laughing at me. He can't believe that someone could mistake a watermelon for an acorn squash. I tell him it's easy when the watermelon is very small.