July

I found out today that my last day is Saturday. I only have to work five hours for my last three days which included today. I will have a month left of summer after work is done which means a month to do nothing. My dad suggested that I take up my mom's offer on scanning the pictures of our childhood. I don't want to do that though because she will never leave me alone. Instead I will watch Parks and Rec and practice music until school starts.

No Happily Ever After Here

My mom returned from her trip to her Honduras today. She wanted to see me today so of course I went over there. I don't like going over there if possible she made me feel worse about myself than I did before I went over there. She brought back many things from Honduras including jewelry, candy, purses, tea and I can't even remember what else. The tea she brought back was of an interesting sort. She gave me four different types one of which was naturally slimming tea. Since when do I need to be slimmer? Okay, I understand that I'm not like all the models and movie stars but who says I have to be? I'm not fat though either. I'm just kinda normal I guess. It's not like this is the first she's expressed that I'm not skinny. She once called me curvaceous which can be a compliment if said correctly instead of an attempt to not call someone fat. In June I was getting clothes for my summer job, because your shirts can't have any words on them and pretty much all of mine do besides long sleeves. I went shopping with my mom to get some t-shirts that would be loose fitting since I have really big boobs I needed to make sure that my clothes wouldn't be tight in that area. My mom seemed to think I should get an XL instead of a L just to be sure even though normally I get a M sometimes a L if it ends up being to short due to my large boobs or my extremely long arms. She always talks about how she had low self esteem and wants to make sure that I don't end up that way, but I don't see how she's helping me boost my self esteem at all. I know that in high school she was anorexic because she has told me repeatedly. She used to think that I was going to become anorexic which she obviously doesn't think anymore. She is the only person who can constantly make me feel bad about myself, and she's supposed to be my mom. I told my dad the other day that I sometimes like to think that she really isn't my mom, but then I realize that there are pictures of her pregnant with me. Although my dad could have had an affair with another woman, and he switched the babies in the hospital so in that case I would have a different mom. There have been many times where I've wondered if I'm adopted because I don't really fit in with the rest of my family. I'm kinda like Mia in the book If I Stay where she talks about never belonging in her family or with anyone else really that's why she has problems understanding why Adam chose her. I understand that feeling so well. I don't fit in with anyone I know. I really wish I did because it's a lonely feeling that I'm tired of. Even if I didn't feel like I fit in with Henry I still wanted him to choose me like Adam chose Mia. I wanted my life for once to be a semi Happily Ever After for a little bit longer than a couple weeks. I keep having dreams about Henry and I think of how pathetic I am because we were a thing for only a couple weeks. I suppose it had to do with the fact that he made me feel differently than anyone else ever has.

Distractions are a Blessing

I have fallen into a summer routine. Monday- I work for my dad Tuesday- I have two lessons and find something to do with the free time in between Wednesday- I do whatever I please until about seven which is when I go to bed Thursday- I go to work Friday- go to work Saturday- go to work Sunday- I do whatever I please. I have to keep myself distracted so as to stop myself from feeling the self loathing that has overcome my idle mind. I read a fantastic book called Ashfall by Mike Mullin, and I want to get the sequel to it. I discovered a wonderful singer/songwriter Emmy the Great. She has a lovely voice, and a song that caught my attention straight from the first verse. I realized that all it takes is an amazing song to make me want to marry the composer of it. Henry and I still talk even if it isn't going anywhere I do like his company when it can be provided. I'm going to The Head and the Heart concert in August which I'm super stoked for. I love those guys so much.

July 4th

My fourth of July was pretty uneventful. I got off work, took a shower, and watched Catfish. I went up to Tianna's house around 10:00 watched the fireworks get set off from a barge in the middle of the river. The fireworks were pretty incredible. Tianna didn't get home from work until after the fireworks were done. I hung out with Scott and Henry before she got there. Tianna's mom pointed out that I was much louder when Tianna got there. It probably has to do with the fact that I don't do well in a group setting although three people isn't much of a group. 

I found out recently that Henry doesn't want to date which is kind of bad news for me. Apparently, a label is intended for high schoolers. I don't think that being able to call someone your boyfriend is a high school thing but that's just me. I suppose it's not a big deal, but I guess I'm tired of feeling trashy. I haven't ever done much to be treated like I'm trashy but that doesn't seem to stop people. Tianna told me I have to prove that I'm not trashy that just sounds like a load of bullshit to me. 

Dog Days

I've been out of it for a while recently. I had to work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I got up at four in the morning for all the three days and got off work around 4:30. I work three very long days where I have to take care of children that are between 1-2 years old which means they are incapable of doing anything by themselves. I change diapers, pat backs to make them sleep, sit with them while they eat, and clean up all the messes they make. I do all of this for about ten hours a day when you account for my lunch breaks. This past Friday and Saturday my stomach the whole time I was working. Saturday, I got home, laid down for a little bit, ate some dinner, and began to throw up around 10 at night. I threw up all night and didn't stop until 7 or 8 Sunday morning. I still am not in great shape. I don't feel like eating, and standing takes effort. I hope to be in better condition for Thursday and Friday. I don't have to work this Saturday because we're getting the fifth off instead of the fourth. I get to spend the fourth with Tianna, Scott, and Henry which I'm super excited about. I just hope one of them wakes me up before they start setting off fireworks. I told them I was going to take a nap at Tianna's house before everybody got there so hopefully they'll wake me up.