Forgiveness

Today, I think I finally have figured out why I haven't been able to forgive my mom after all these years. She's the biggest why my whole reality exists the way it does. Not only did she pass onto me her insecurities, but she blew up any sense of family that could have potentially existed in my family. Instead she projected all her inner demons onto all of us, and I've been left with the aftermath for the foreseeable future. That's not to say that all the issues in my family are due to my mom, but she was the catalyst for most of it. In theory, she's really the one who ditched my family, not my dad. I remember her always trying to have me see it that my dad was the one who left us, just because he physically left our home, but he didn't leave us entirely. He still provided for my mom, my brothers, and I. He still managed a presence in our family. My mom, on the other hand, was still in the house, but she ditched mentally and emotionally from our lives. I became the responsible one the minute my dad left. That's not to say that my mom didn't feed me or make sure my basic needs were taken care of, but she left me. She left me, and made me figure out everything for myself. She left me, and she still hasn't returned in the capacity that she should have. In actuality, I can't remember a time when my mom was present the way she should have been when I needed her the most. I've been angry at her all these years for it, but never knew the true reason.