Ranting Lunatic

I had dinner with my mom last night. It was the usual debacle that it normally is. Before the night had turned to a disaster she gave me $200 to pay for my textbooks for college. I left it on her front porch after she locked me out of her house. I didn't really want it in the first place. It felt wrong after she treated me like a five year old which is why I left it at her house. Apparently, I hurt her by doing so which I'm happy I did. I guess being happy at my own mother's pain isn't what I should feel, but I don't really know what to feel anymore. She plays so many mind games with me that I can never figure out what in the world I should do. I was second guessing myself today on whether or not I should have kept the money because I really do need it. On the other hand I don't want money from someone who can tell me I'm an intelligent, talented, young woman, and I'm dumb ass who has been manipulated by my dad in one night. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Sure, I'd love it if my mom was normal, and she'd do the things with me that most moms do, but how the hell can I expect that from her without her later telling me how awful of human being I am? Every time she invites me over for dinner after she's gone months without talking to me I think maybe she's changed, but I know deep down she's never going to change. I just wish for once I could count on her to not make everything about her or about what a manipulative bastard my dad is. I want to get it through that thick skull of hers that she is the one who is messed up, not my dad, not my brothers, and not me. She is the problem, but she will never realize that. She told me today she's changed her email, and she's getting a new phone number, so I will never be able to contact her. I guess that's probably for the best anyways. I told her I was disappointed she still would have my number. That's not what I actually think, but who cares anymore? It doesn't matter. She won't be contacting me for probably another four years or better. She might come around when I graduate college, but how she'll know I'm graduating is beyond me. Although she does find out the most random things about people.