End of Summer

I had a fantastic weekend to end the summer. I went camping Friday night with my dad and the usual people we camp with. My dad had me drive the Xterra with the boat hitched to the back, and had me back the trailer into the river. A slightly frustrating experience to say the least. The weather was kinda bad this weekend not the nice sunny days that I enjoy. Tianna and I saw The Head and The Heart in concert last night which was positively amazing, fantastic, wonderful, beautiful, and so many other words that I can't even think of. They are so brilliant in concert. I love their albums, but the concert was so much better than their albums. I wish I could go to another concert tomorrow that would make me so happy. I really wanted to shirk my responbilities and just follow them for the rest of their tour. Unfortunately, I am not able to do that. I'm excited for next weekend too because I get to see the Avett Brothers, and they possess the most beautiful voices in the entire world. I can't wait to be completely done with school, so I can throw myself further into music. I want to learn as much as I possibly can, and I want nothing more than to meet my idols in music and just get the chance to work with them. I can't think of anything that would make me happier than to play just one song with each band that I love so dearly.

Woo

I've been working for my dad all summer, and recently he hired a new guy. The new guy is my dad's best friend's son. My dad and his best friend used to take all of us kids camping to go fishing. Out of their kids combined there are five. I am the youngest and the only girl. Now the guy my dad hired I have recently started referring to him as "The Rapist," only in my mind head of course, because he sounds like he's going a rapist when talking to customers on the phone. Also he keeps asking me what I do over the weekend and trying to talk to me when he and I are the only ones in the office. I guess most people would just consider him trying to make small talk, but I prefer to let my mind come up with all these weird scenarios. It keeps me entertained while doing mindless work.
I also cut my hair really short just yesterday. My hair had grown just past halfway down my back now it's basically a pixie cut. I like my short hair, but it's taking some time to get used to it. I think it makes me more attractive than before probably because it makes me stand out more instead of having your routine boring long haired teenage girl. I'm going to have to make some changes if I want to survive this last year of high school since I only have one really close friend left at the high school, and she is extremely sheltered so she's a bit out of touch with reality. I only have four and a half classes for the whole year meaning I'll have quite a bit of free time on my hands to do basically nothing until it comes time to apply for colleges and scholarships. Woo.

That Girl

I'm sinking into a shell of a human being. My mind is occupied with miserable thoughts that won't let me be. I'm pretty sure I'm friendless right about now because people make plans and either forget that they made plans or cancel or just plain ignore me. I want the school year to start to get me away from myself but I also don't want to face the harsh reality of going through my senior year with the only friend that I have left. She's really not much of a friend because she is very sheltered and hardly leaves her house. There's certain things she doesn't understand which makes it difficult to talk to her. I have no clue what I'm going to do this year but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. Although I can't ignore the fact that I have this building anxiety in me. Socializing is starting to freak me out more than it used to or it could be the same amount. I don't really know. I do know that I just have to get through this year. After that I can start over. I need a reset button badly right now. I'm terrified to go to walk through the doors of my high school where everyone is going to call me a whore and give me looks while thinking that any minute I'm going to implode. I'm abnormal. I'm that weird girl. I don't want to be that girl, but I don't know what else to be. I've been that girl my whole life.

Blisters in the Sun

Yesterday, this little blisters started showing up on my hands and feet. These blisters are still on my body, and I had to stand on the blisters on my feet for 3 hours today. My feet felt like they were on fire for a long time after that, so I crawled around on my hands and knees whenever I needed to go to the bathroom or the kitchen. I also accidentally bought DVD-Rs instead of CD-Rs and the wrong eyeliner. I did manage to buy the correct album of The Head and The Heart: Let's Be Still. I think if I messed that up I would have completely broken down today. I have been having one of the worst summers ever. I got rejected by a guy that I still like, I had the stomach flu, I had an ongoing cold for three weeks, I have blisters on my feet now, I have hardly tanned at all, and I haven't hung out with any of my friends in a month. The last time I talked to someone face to face was this morning at the grocery store. It was Henry and all we said was hi. Since then I've been yet again watching Parks and Rec and listening to The Head and The Heart. I am the world's most depressing person ever.

July

I found out today that my last day is Saturday. I only have to work five hours for my last three days which included today. I will have a month left of summer after work is done which means a month to do nothing. My dad suggested that I take up my mom's offer on scanning the pictures of our childhood. I don't want to do that though because she will never leave me alone. Instead I will watch Parks and Rec and practice music until school starts.

No Happily Ever After Here

My mom returned from her trip to her Honduras today. She wanted to see me today so of course I went over there. I don't like going over there if possible she made me feel worse about myself than I did before I went over there. She brought back many things from Honduras including jewelry, candy, purses, tea and I can't even remember what else. The tea she brought back was of an interesting sort. She gave me four different types one of which was naturally slimming tea. Since when do I need to be slimmer? Okay, I understand that I'm not like all the models and movie stars but who says I have to be? I'm not fat though either. I'm just kinda normal I guess. It's not like this is the first she's expressed that I'm not skinny. She once called me curvaceous which can be a compliment if said correctly instead of an attempt to not call someone fat. In June I was getting clothes for my summer job, because your shirts can't have any words on them and pretty much all of mine do besides long sleeves. I went shopping with my mom to get some t-shirts that would be loose fitting since I have really big boobs I needed to make sure that my clothes wouldn't be tight in that area. My mom seemed to think I should get an XL instead of a L just to be sure even though normally I get a M sometimes a L if it ends up being to short due to my large boobs or my extremely long arms. She always talks about how she had low self esteem and wants to make sure that I don't end up that way, but I don't see how she's helping me boost my self esteem at all. I know that in high school she was anorexic because she has told me repeatedly. She used to think that I was going to become anorexic which she obviously doesn't think anymore. She is the only person who can constantly make me feel bad about myself, and she's supposed to be my mom. I told my dad the other day that I sometimes like to think that she really isn't my mom, but then I realize that there are pictures of her pregnant with me. Although my dad could have had an affair with another woman, and he switched the babies in the hospital so in that case I would have a different mom. There have been many times where I've wondered if I'm adopted because I don't really fit in with the rest of my family. I'm kinda like Mia in the book If I Stay where she talks about never belonging in her family or with anyone else really that's why she has problems understanding why Adam chose her. I understand that feeling so well. I don't fit in with anyone I know. I really wish I did because it's a lonely feeling that I'm tired of. Even if I didn't feel like I fit in with Henry I still wanted him to choose me like Adam chose Mia. I wanted my life for once to be a semi Happily Ever After for a little bit longer than a couple weeks. I keep having dreams about Henry and I think of how pathetic I am because we were a thing for only a couple weeks. I suppose it had to do with the fact that he made me feel differently than anyone else ever has.

Distractions are a Blessing

I have fallen into a summer routine. Monday- I work for my dad Tuesday- I have two lessons and find something to do with the free time in between Wednesday- I do whatever I please until about seven which is when I go to bed Thursday- I go to work Friday- go to work Saturday- go to work Sunday- I do whatever I please. I have to keep myself distracted so as to stop myself from feeling the self loathing that has overcome my idle mind. I read a fantastic book called Ashfall by Mike Mullin, and I want to get the sequel to it. I discovered a wonderful singer/songwriter Emmy the Great. She has a lovely voice, and a song that caught my attention straight from the first verse. I realized that all it takes is an amazing song to make me want to marry the composer of it. Henry and I still talk even if it isn't going anywhere I do like his company when it can be provided. I'm going to The Head and the Heart concert in August which I'm super stoked for. I love those guys so much.