Alternate Universes

I was on my home today from my violin lessons at the music store when I saw an ex boyfriend of my mom's. I was driving downtown, stopped at a red light when I saw him. I felt like blowing the red light and hitting him with my car. He is one of those human beings that I truly believe is a waste of space on this planet. I guess you could say I haven't quite forgiven him for everything he did. In a way. I supposed I don't think he's worth the energy to put much effort into forgiving or loathing him so most of the time I ignore his very existence. Besides, I rarely see the man as it. Today was the first time I have seen him since my 8th grade promotion which was almost four years ago.
I sometimes wonder what my life would've been like if he'd never dated my mom. Would she be less crazy? I think she would. I think he exhausted what little remained of her sane moments. She didn't drink much before him. I remember the summer after they broke up she was making margaritas at home, and most mornings she had started drinking before I even woke up. Maybe things would have been different for my mom and I. Maybe we would be on better terms, but it's hard to tell. I wonder if in an alternate universe my mom is less crazy, and we are the almost perfect mother-daughter duo everyone once thought we were. I do think there are alternate universes, but what I'm most curious about is what I'm like in these alternate universes. Above all, what I want to know is what my family is like. I think if given the right chance we would all be closer as a family.

Too Much To Do

My audition last week went pretty well, I think. I felt it when better than I expected it too. I think I was one of the first people to audition this month. I know I was the first person that morning. I still can't believe how calm I remained throughout the whole thing. Normally, my limbs would have been shaking uncontrollably but that didn't happen at all. I did feel as if I was being bombarded with questions although that could have been because it was early in the morning, and I am not used to people actually taking an interest in my violin playing.
I have many things I should be doing right now, but I find myself very unmotivated at the moment. I had a weird day at school today. I actually socialized with more than five people. I think that's why I feel so exhausted. I was debating about going to the basketball game tonight but that would require me to put on a pair of jeans as well as leaving the house which I don't feel like doing. It would also mean putting off the things I need to get done this month that is a compelling reason to go but not compelling enough. Maybe I should drink a cup of coffee to get me to do something.

In Need of Repair

Yesterday, I came home from school to find my dog P-Knut with a piece of bread in her mouth. After disposing of the bread both of my dogs got in a fight. I had to separate them to get them to stop. They both retreated to their own corners. It took me a couple seconds to figure out that there was blood on the ground. I looked to see which one was bleeding, and it was Tweaks. I picked him put him on the counter to try and clean him up a little bit. I couldn't really do much since it was his nose that was bleeding. After tending to him, I put both of th dogs outside. I also had to clean up all of the blood in the living room.
Today, I had a relatively productive day. I fixed my electric guitar. The wires had disconnected inside. I used a rubber band to keep the wires in place so they would remain touching the metal. It's not that great of a repair, but at least now my guitar works. I do have to adjust the wires once in awhile to get it to work.
I haven't been able to eat much lately, either because of my audition coming up. My stomach feels like it's either going to throw up or tear itself away from the rest of my body. Sometimes, I wish I had been born with a stomach that wasn't so susceptible to anxiety. My bowel movements are very susceptible to anxiety as well. I have been having massive diarrhea all week my only hope is that I don't accidentally fart in the middle of my audition although that would be kind of funny in a sad way.

Performance Anxiety

Sorry, it's been awhile. I have massive performance anxiety right now. I have an audition this weekend for a music scholarship. I haven't had to perform on the violin by myself in ages. At least, the pieces are picked are good ones in my repertoire. Still, I haven't been able to eat a lot, and I even had problems going to the bathroom today. I went to the restroom during lunch at my high school, but there were other people in there as well including a girl I used to be friends with in middle school. Anyways, I ended up having to use the stall right next to her, and I wasn't able to start peeing until she had started washing her hands. God, I hate public bathrooms because everyone can hear you pee so it's so awkward for people like me. I start freaking out that people will think I'm taking a poop because it's taking me so long to start peeing or they will think I'm hiding out in the bathroom like a weirdo. This is why public bathrooms should have soundproof stalls for those of us with performance anxiety. Although, I would probably never leave the bathroom if the stalls were soundproof.

Cats are Evil

My recent assignment in my English is to write a cause and effect paper that is due tomorrow. It needs to be between 3,000 and 5,000 words so far I have 958. My topic is Toxoplasma Gondii, a parasite found in cats. Since, I am currently stuck for what else to write in my paper I will give a brief summary of exactly this parasite does. Toxoplasma is spread through cat feces, and it will take control of mammals' brains even humans. Rats are affected in a weird way. The parasite increases the dopamine levels in the reward part of the brain when a rat smells cat urine. Normally, a rat would be afraid of cat urine, but when infected the rat will be aroused at the scent of cat urine. This is because the parasite can only reproduce sexually inside the cat's stomach. The rat's arousal at cat urine makes it easier for cats to catch their prey, rats. Humans have a change in personality. Men are suspicious and jealous and gain a disregard of rules. Women become the exact opposite, they become more friendly, trusting, and increase their regard of rules. Both genders have a decrease in seeking new experiences and will stay home more often than those who are not infected. That's just a little bit about the parasite there's a much more in depth explanation here: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/03/how-your-cat-is-making-you-crazy/308873/
I found it completely fascinating how Toxoplasma is so specific in how it controls an animal's brain. I should probably get back to my essay.

Confrontations

I for some reason decided that it would be a grand idea to start taking over my life. Unfortunately, I think I tried to take on too much at once. I tried to take out two problems tonight, and so far neither one of those problems is going well. This is probably why I should sleep on things before attempting confrontation. I might actually formulate a plan before. I also did my confrontations that wussy way over texting, but there is a reason for that too. Both the people I decided to express my thoughts to
are people I can only contact through texting. One of them was my mother, she's always a tough one no matter how you try to talk to her, but I do really need the money from my bank account that is in her name too because of child-parent crap. I have a large sum of money in that account that will be extremely helpful for college which is just a huge ball of anxiety that I'm trying not to think about yet. I really need to get a grip on my social anxiety or I fear I may be alone for all eternity, but then again that might not be so bad.

New Year's Woe

I'd say I have a New Year's resolution, but it's not really. I decided I need to get in shape (such a cliche resolution anyways) before I go off to college since I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going to go. I will most likely be moving to the city for college which absolutely terrifies me. Never have I ever lived in a city. I've lived in the same county my entire life and it's population is less than a city. My county has approximately 25,000 people living in it. Where I want to go to college has about oh 652,000 people that's over 25 times as many people. I'm going to have my handy dandy pepper spray though thanks to my dad who's been obsessing over where I keep it. I have it in my room because I don't need to take it to school with me where there are only a thousand people, and none of them hate me as far as I know or have a desire to attack me. Besides the hallways are too damn crowded for that type of thing to happen. Unless, we have a school shooter in which case my pepper spray would be completely useless. My sophomore year they did find a shell for some sort of a gun I don't remember what exactly. They cancelled the assembly and the dance that week right before Christmas Break, but they didn't cancel school. My dad told me to stay home from school that day because he thought it was stupid that they weren't cancelling school and figured it wasn't really important for me to go that day anyways. I heard that hardly anyone was there. There was probably five people for each class that day. They also had policemen patrolling the school that day as well. So you see they might as well have cancelled school.
Anyways, the reason why I'm trying to get in shape is so that I have a better chance of getting out of a situation if need be. My mom once told me some really high percentage of women that get sexually assaulted by the time they're forty. I was probably 10 years old when she told me this. The likelihood of me being sexually assaulted at the age were very slim except during the summer time when I was around guys in their twenties quite a bit. My mom worked for a whitewater rafting company, and all their guides were in their twenties and were almost always hungover. All they did was drink and do drugs, but that was after work of course. My brother recently told me that some of the guides would say shit like, "Cynthia's daughter is so hot," little did they know they were talking to my brother who would get pissed off because I was waaay too young for them so it was extremely creepy that they would even think that. Now I think I know why I'm so screwed up when it comes to guys. My mom either made me paranoid that they were going to rape me or surrounded me with creeps that she thought were normal. That's some good parenting right there.