Mixed Feelings

I thought things were going to get better for me this quarter, but it kind of seems like one thing gets fixed something else goes wrong. Natasha isn't talking to me anymore, and I don't even know. Every time I've texted her she ignores my message. I've tried talking to her in person, but she keeps avoiding me. I don't know what I did or if I did anything, but either way she's refusing to talk to me. At least Becky is still talking to me probably because Natasha has been ignoring her too. Dennis told me today that she's been having problems with her boyfriend's family and that her boyfriend isn't going to be able to visit like he had planned. I guess she wants to be alone, but she could tell me that instead of flat ignoring me. I just don't get it. 

In other happier news, my dad is coming to visit me next weekend, and I have an interview for the job I applied for. So that's pretty exciting. Also, I learned how to record audio for a concert last week, and sometime this quarter I'm supposed to do it on my own. Overall, this week has been pretty good except Natasha not talking to me. I wish she would say something to me even if it's just leave me alone or I don't want to talk to you, that would be better than absolutely nothing. 

Longest Week Ever

This has been the longest week ever. At least it feels like it. I have to finish a philosophy paper by tomorrow. I'm about halfway done with it. I'm hoping to finish it before orchestra rehearsal tonight. My week has been kind of a disaster though. My UCOR professor still doesn't know what my name is. Yesterday, he called me by my actual name, but then he called me Paige later on in the class. It was super weird. One day when he was taking attendance he said my name wrong, and I didn't know he was saying my name until he was finished with roll. Also when he called on me in class I could tell that he was disappointed with my answer. I don't think he likes me very much, mostly because I don't raise my hand and participate. I do, however, participate when he puts us into small groups which is more I can say for my UFDN class I had last quarter.
Anyways, I decided to start gauging my ears. I'm only go to a size 4 though, so my ears will go back to normal when I take them out. I've always liked gauges ever since I was a kid, but I've never done it myself because my parents wouldn't have let me. Also I'm probably going to get a few tattoos which I know they'd disapprove of too, but, oh well it's my body.
Things are super awkward with Dennis still. He pretty much thinks he has the right to psychoanalyze me without knowing anything about me. He's strangely very possessive of me, and it makes me uncomfortable, but I tried talking to him about it. He didn't really listen to me though, so I gave up. I'm hoping that he stops being so possessive otherwise I don't think I can be friends with him anymore. I called my dad Monday because I was having such a bad day. I told him a little bit about what's going on with Dennis, but not everything or he'd get pretty upset, and wouldn't ever like Dennis at all. Okay well, I've got to get back to homework now.

Friend or Flirt?

It's only been a week and spring quarter is already kicking my ass. I'm too exhausted to actually want to get up in the mornings. 18 credits is harder than I thought especially when of those classes is philosophy. That class practically terrifies me because it's my third class on Monday and Wednesday so my attention span is pretty used up by the time I get there, also our professor likes to randomly call on people, and I don't like that at all. I like to have some mental preparation for talking in class, and I don't have the energy to do that before philosophy every time I have it.
On another note, my dad is considering putting an offer on a house. He sent me the link to it, and it's a pretty nice house. It will be the nicest house anyone has ever owned in my family which really isn't saying much considering that my dad has lived in a crappy two bedroom apartment with three kids, and a double-wide trailer. The nicest house I've lived in is probably the one my mom has now, and the basement floods in the winter. She's done a ton of remodeling since I've lived so it's way better now than when she bought it.
Lately, our friend Dennis has been kind of rude and sassy towards Natasha and me. We don't really know why except that everyone blames it on me because he likes me and I don't like him back. That's not really an excuse to be mean to someone, but apparently it is because I guess I've led him on just because I treat my guy friends the same way I treat my female friends which is supposedly some sort of crime. I hate the fact that our society has wired us to believe that we have act differently around the opposite gender or else your actions can be mistaken to mean something else. I have always been accused of being flirty just because I joke around and enjoy other people's company, BUT it's only considered to be flirty when I interact with a male, not a female. In my opinion, there is something wrong with that picture.

BRUUUUUCE

I SAW BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN LAST NIGHT!!!!!! It was my first time ever seeing Bruce in concert, and I'm slightly depressed that it's this late in his career that I saw him for the first time. My dad has been going to see him for 30 years now, and he plans his vacations around where Bruce is touring. The only reason he's been to Europe is because of Bruce. My dad and his girlfriend are going to Denmark this summer just to see him. I'm kind of jealous because I have to stay here and work and watch everybody's houses–Brandon and his girlfriend are going on vacation at the same time. So I'll be left here by myself while my dad gets to see Bruce in Denmark and Sweden.
Anyways, back to last night. It was the best concert I've ever seen. I don't understand how a man at any age can go for three and a half hours giving it his all into every song he plays. I think he has some sort of super power. I was exhausted by the end of The River, but I suppose it helps that he's been doing this for years so he probably has some sort of stamina built up. I don't really know how he does it. He came down onto the floor a couple times, and Bruce walked 10 feet away from me. That in itself was a pretty amazing experience. I mean being within 10 feet of BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. If only I knew someone who was as stoked about Bruce Springsteen to tell this to besides my dad who was there and has actually touched Bruce. In honesty though my dad is right when he calls Bruce Springsteen our lord and savior because he pretty much is. I was really questioning what I wanted to do with my life last night because how could I ever be as great as Bruce Springsteen. It doesn't matter how many songs I write or how many shows I do, I'll never be like that, but I suppose I could just be me instead. I think that I could still somehow be something that people need maybe not the way people need Springsteen, but in a smaller scale. I could make a difference with my music, and that's really all I want to achieve. 

Old Friends

Today, I hung out with one of my friends from high school. It's been a long time since I've seen her. Since she moved in with her boyfriend our senior year I haven't talked to her until the start of this school year. It was really nice to see her especially because she's one of the few people who knows everything about me and doesn't judge me for it. I know that I could probably tell her anything and she would still be friends with me. I kinda felt awkward a little bit because her boyfriend was there for a lot of it, and the last time I saw him he didn't like me because he thought I was trying to break them up. Anyways, I don't care what he thinks of me anymore especially after what she told me on Thursday. She called me up to tell me that they were breaking me up and that he's been really abusive towards her. He hasn't hit her, but he shouldn't be treating her the way he does. It makes me really sad honestly. I know she's a much better person than she thinks. Although she does seem happier and more confident than she used to be, but I don't really know for sure. I know the main reason she's staying with him is because we've known him for so long. Also she's liked him for a really long time. I hope she figures out what she wants, and she gets that for herself. I know she can be more than she is right now. 

Roommate Problems

Lately, I've been having problems with my roommate. She's been deliberately rude to my friends and me when we're in the room which isn't that often. She's starting to drive me nuts. This entire quarter she's been in a bad mood in general which I know a lot of it was because she was so sick so I gave her some space and let her have time to herself in our room. I was trying to be considerate of the fact that she wasn't feeling well, but then she asked my friend why I'm never in the room anymore. She even had the stomach flu and said she was going to stay at her sister's until she felt better but she came back the next day while she was still sick. 

Monday night, I took a shower came back to her and her friend in the room which I didn't mind because she's actually nicer to me when her friends are here. I said hi to both of them, and then sat at my desk to do some work. Since they were talking I put some headphones so I could block out their conversation and concentrate on what I was doing. I ended up messaging my friends in our group chat about my parents both texting me about my dog and how I was frustrated with them for it because I can't do a single thing about it until I come home for break. All three of them ended up coming into my room all one at a time on their own. When Natasha came in, my roommate and her friend started to leave. Then Dennis and Becky came in after they left. After a few minutes though my roommate came back in and started blasting her music on laptop. She kept turning it up louder and louder every couple of minutes. It got to the point where I couldn't even hear anyone, but Dennis who was sitting right next to me. After a half an hour of this she finally turned off her music. I know it was her passive aggressive way of telling us she wanted us to leave, but we stayed anyways. I would understand her annoyance with us if we were in there all the time, but that's the second time all quarter they have been there at the same time as her. 

Yesterday, she didn't even acknowledge me all day or say a word to me. I tried smiling at her in the hallway when I walked past her, and she just glared at me. I don't understand what her problem is with me anymore. I also don't get why she seems to think she can do whatever she wants in our room, but to her I don't have the same right. All I can say is I'm glad there's only one quarter left after this one. 

Winter Week Ten

Last Friday, I went with Becky and Dennis to Gasworks Park and to see the Fremont Troll. We walked there from campus, and I told them a bunch of stories about the loser guys that liked me in high school. At one point, Becky asked me about my boyfriend, and I said in response that I didn't want to talk about him because my best friend's mom wanted to give me a brochure about abusive relationships when I was with him. It's true she did want to give me one, but I think my friend stopped her which I'm actually really glad she did because I probably would have cried if that had happened. I just felt extremely awkward after saying that especially since Dennis was there. Maybe if Natasha had been there it wouldn't have been so awkward, but I don't really know. 

Saturday, while I was work Natasha and Dennis came to see me at work like they normally do, but this time they were meeting Dennis' mom there which was pretty awkward too. I didn't know what to do because I was still supposed to be working, and I didn't know what to say to anybody, so I just kept doing my usual prepping for closing routine. I noticed how much his mom seemed to like Natasha, and I couldn't help but think how Natasha is the type of girl that can meet a guy's family and they are going to love her. I, on the other hand, am not that type of girl. I'm not the type of girl a guy brings home to meet his family. I just don't have all those fantastic girlfriend qualities that so many girls seem to have. I'm just kind of there. I don't know how to be that dream girl for someone. It's weird because I haven't thought about this kind of thing for a long time, but now I can't stop thinking about it. It's lame I know, but I can't help but wonder if anyone ever is actually going to love me. I mean I know I have my family, but they are terrible at acting like a family, and I don't think I'll ever have any other family which is what terrifies me.