Break Up

My boyfriend of six months broke up with me last Monday. Everyone keeps telling me he's going to change his mind especially when he sees me next week, but I don't know if I want him to. I think I might be done. I'm sick of reminding people of my existence because apparently it's super easy to forget about me. He broke up with me because he wants time to himself to work through whatever shit is going on his mind. He told me not to wait for me, and originally I was going to wait for him, but now I don't know. I don't know if I want to be with someone who breaks up with me after every other fight and changes his mind right after he breaks up with me. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to find someone else that is actually going to want to spend time with me, instead having the same fight with the same person over and over. He said he loved me a little over a month ago, but honestly, I don't think he does. He told me while he was breaking up with me that he still loved me, but then why would he break up with me. If he actually loved me, he wouldn't pull all this stupid bullshit he keeps doing, and then blame it on me and say I'm the one being crazy. He also told me I can't talk to him until I get back home, but that's also bullshit. Why does he get to choose when I talk to him, and when I don't get to talk to him? He's been doing that our entire relationship, and I think it's my turn to just tell him I'm done. I can't take any of this anymore, and I'm moving on. 

Forgiveness

Today, I think I finally have figured out why I haven't been able to forgive my mom after all these years. She's the biggest why my whole reality exists the way it does. Not only did she pass onto me her insecurities, but she blew up any sense of family that could have potentially existed in my family. Instead she projected all her inner demons onto all of us, and I've been left with the aftermath for the foreseeable future. That's not to say that all the issues in my family are due to my mom, but she was the catalyst for most of it. In theory, she's really the one who ditched my family, not my dad. I remember her always trying to have me see it that my dad was the one who left us, just because he physically left our home, but he didn't leave us entirely. He still provided for my mom, my brothers, and I. He still managed a presence in our family. My mom, on the other hand, was still in the house, but she ditched mentally and emotionally from our lives. I became the responsible one the minute my dad left. That's not to say that my mom didn't feed me or make sure my basic needs were taken care of, but she left me. She left me, and made me figure out everything for myself. She left me, and she still hasn't returned in the capacity that she should have. In actuality, I can't remember a time when my mom was present the way she should have been when I needed her the most. I've been angry at her all these years for it, but never knew the true reason. 

Feeling Vulnerable

Vulnerability is a funny thing. People accept vulnerability if they have a sense of love and belonging, but love and belonging come from being vulnerable first. That is, if your family doesn't provide a sense of love and belonging first, but if a person is born into a family that gives them a feeling of love and belonging, then they find themselves accepting vulnerability. This is funny to me because the people who need a sense of love and belonging the most don't have it, and then are uncomfortable with being vulnerable and are unable to find love or a feeling of belonging. So, then, the big question becomes how does one find worthiness in themselves if all a person is receiving in life is the message that they are not good enough? How does one overcome this looming presence of loneliness in order to not be lonely? How does someone begin to love them self if all the people that are supposed to love them just don't care?

Summertime Crushes

Last week I saw The Avett Brothers in concert yet again, and yet again they managed to outdo themselves. Every time I see them I am even more amazed than the last. They truly are extremely talented, and one of the best bands out there right now. I am excited to see keep watching them grow and see what they continue to do. It's obvious that they never stop working on honing their craft, and that they want to keep getting better which is rare to see these days.
So some recent events in my personal life, are I got back on Tinder a few weeks back just because it's boring here, and I was a tad bit tipsy. I matched with this one guy from high school who's family owns the fanciest restaurant in town, but he came on a little strong so I gave him a bitchy reply, "Are you always so desperate," which he did not appreciate and said he "trying to be friendly." Anyways, last night was my brother's girlfriend's birthday, and he invited me to go to dinner with them to which I said of course. However, he did not inform that we were going to the restaurant that the guy's family owns, and he also happens to work there. Unfortunately for me, he was working that night, and we were seated near the stairs where the waiters kept walking back and forth. It wasn't long after I sat down that we made eye contact, but at least he wasn't our waiter which I am so happy for because that would have been the worst thing ever.
Later that night, I messaged him apologizing for being bitchy, but I also saying that he had come on a little strong. He messaged me this morning agreeing with me, and saying that he was excited that he matched with me because he had had a small crush on me in high school but never was able to say hi to me. He also admitted that it was awkward seeing me last night, and said I was sweet to apologize. I was amazed by the fact that he even had the slightest crush on me in high school considering the shit people used to say about me, but maybe that could explain his first messages because he probably thought I was a slut like everyone else in high school even though I only dated one guy, and haven't dated anyone since.
I also have been talking to this guy for almost two weeks now who lives about a half an hour from here but last night he was super judgy towards me, and it pissed me off, so I don't think that 's going to work out even though I did really like him before that. It almost seems like he was being super hypocritical too, but it's hard to know for sure. Either way he's been sending me some red flags. 

Customer Service

We recently had an unusual couple of phone calls from a customer ordering a hook gage. My brother, Josh, talked to this customer the first time, and he asked for the names of employees who worked to find out who he had previously spoken to. Then he said, "You can run, but you can't hide," to which Josh laughed at awkwardly in the hopes that the customer was making some sort of joke. However,  Josh's awkward laugh was received with complete silence from the man. Josh promised him to have the hook gage shipped out to him on Monday, and Josh told me to remember to tell Brandon about it. Monday comes and goes, and I completely forget to tell Brandon about the hook gage. So a few days later, the same customer calls back complaining that his order hasn't been shipped yet. Brandon and Josh explain that it was a certain employee's responsibility (me) to remember to have his product shipped on Monday and told him that I had forgotten to do so. The man replies with, "You know what you should do to that employee? You should string him up by his hands, and whip him with a wet pool noodle." So now Josh and I are convinced that any day now that man is going to come into the office and murder us all. 

Boycott the Fourth

My Fourth of July was pretty terrible again this year. I had to work, but we were planning to leave an hour early. However, this did not happen because the internet stopped working about fifteen minutes before we wanted to leave, so we're trying to get stuff using just one computer. Also Brandon had to talk to a customer who came in to the showroom just before we were thinking about leaving. Once we are ready to leave Brandon shuts down all the computers before realizing we hadn't clocked out yet, so he turns one back on which of course takes forever. We finally leave, but it's only fifteen minutes earlier than we normally would leave. As we're walking out of the building Brandon realizes he doesn't have his keys, so he asks Teri if she will unlock the office to get his keys. Teri and I are waiting for him, but it's been quite some time, so we decide to go into the office to help him look for his keys. Brandon says he thinks he left them in the car, and he walks down to his car while we keep looking in the office. He calls me to tell me that his keys are, in fact, in his car and asks me to look for a wire coat hanger. Fortunately, there was a wire coat hanger right on the floor upstairs. Teri and I head out to Brandon's car and Brandon and Teri try to get his car open.
After sometime Teri leaves to go home, and Brandon has me call his girlfriend to come pick us up. He keeps trying to break into his car while we wait for her. When she arrives he's still working on it, and the two of them continue to do so for another hour while I watch their son, Sam. They finally get the car open, and we are on the way home when Brandon gets caught going 75 by the police. He gets pulled over, but the cop surprisingly doesn't give him a ticket. We didn't end up getting home until about 8 that night which is an hour and a half later than we normally get home from work.
Also that day, Tianna told me she might be pregnant. She still doesn't know for sure because her car broke down, and she lives to far away from the store to get a pregnancy test. All in all the Fourth of July sucked for me, and last year's was pretty bad as well which is why Tianna and I have decided to boycott the Fourth. Next year, we might celebrate Malia Obama's birthday instead which is apparently what some people did this year. 

Practice Room Crush Part IV

Every year on Memorial Weekend there's the Folklife Festival, and it's free. Becky and I went last year, and I asked her if she wanted to go this year too. So this year we decided to go, but we planned on a different day and time in hopes that it would be better than the first year. We get there, and we're not really sure of what to do so we're just walking around looking for something to stop and listen to. We end up stuck behind a large mass of people in this little pathway so we decide to step onto the grass to try to get past the people. Standing there on the grass is David and a couple of guys, I was shocked, I expected the last place on Earth he would spend his weekend would be the Folklife Festival. He sees us and so do his friends. I keep walking because I'm panicking for probably the millionth time after seeing him. I turn to look at Becky, and she's asking me if that was David, and I say yes, so then she decides to try to embarrass me by trying to make me walk back towards them. We look behind us to see David and his friends following us. I freak out even more and start to walk faster. Meanwhile, Becky is trying to walk slower to let them catch up to us, but I'm yelling at her to walk faster. We see them stop to listen to some Latin music, and I'm still trying to walk away from them, but Becky stops to listen too. However, David is pretty far away from us although he can still see us. I finally get Becky to walk away, but as we're walking away I see one of his friends walking the same way we are. We stop a little ways away, and we're arguing about what to do next, so I finally tell Becky that I'll just follow her and she can choose what to do. So of course, she walks back toward David. I follow her, but I stop once she gets too close to him for me which within a hundred feet. She keeps walking towards him, but she doesn't realize I'm not behind her. By this time, David has noticed we're back, and he starts walking towards. My heart starts to pound even more, and I almost don't look at him as he passes, but I do. He waves and smiles at me, and I actually manage to wave and smile back, but as soon as he passes I'm glaring at Becky and getting her to leave. She's so happy with herself and with me for actually waving at him because she thought for sure I was going to ignore him. We randomly see him once more after that, but we decide to leave because we got bored. 

A week and a half later, we're hanging out for the last time before it's time to go home for the summer. Becky has my phone, and she's joking around with me about messaging David on Facebook, but then she does by accident. I don't expect him to reply so I'm not that upset besides I had messaged one of her crushes before. He messages back within five minutes, and we're both shocked. We don't know what to do, and I can't think of anything to say back, so she responds for me. After getting over the fact that he actually responded, I'm finally able to start responding myself. I end up going to bed in the middle of the little conversation we have. The next morning I'm woken up by my phone going off because David is video chatting me, I assume it's an accident so I don't pick up. I ask him about it, and he said it was an accident. He then says something to me about messaging him late the night before even though it was only eleven so I tell him it was an accident, and that it was one of my friends. I also make up the part where I say I was thinking of messaging himself, and he says he's glad she messaged me, but then he starts to ask me about what I was planning on saying to him, and why I never said hi to him in the practice rooms. I tell him I'm shy and awkward, and the conversation stops there. Since then I haven't messaged him again, and of course I haven't seen him either because I'm back home, and it would be weird if I were to see him here since no one ever comes here. I can't stop thinking about him though, and I want to talk to him again, but I'm scared to. It seems silly to be scared of talking to him, but I am because he's pretty much out of my league. However, for some reason, he does appear to be interested in me, and it doesn't make any sense.