On the Street

I've recently moved into my own apartment for the first time. It's small, and I don't have a kitchen, but I finally have my own bathroom. I do still have access to a kitchen. It's a shared kitchen with the rest of the floor I'm living on, but I do have a microwave and fridge in my studio which is nice. The neighborhood I'm living in isn't as nice as I thought it was when I first moved in. After the first couple of weeks, I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk putting a heroin needle into his arm, and just a few weeks ago another guy was prepping his needle on a busy street corner. There are heroin needles in the alleyway behind my building too, so apparently it's just the thing to do here. A woman even asked my boyfriend and I if we smoked shards or heroin when we do neither. This past week on the same night, I was harassed by a man who lives right by my apartment, and someone tried to steal my boyfriend's car, but when they failed to steal it they just took his stuff. Then later that night while I was sleeping, I was woken up by a man screaming this terrible, horrific scream. He sounded like he had just watched someone he loved be brutally murdered right in front of him. So basically, every time I leave my apartment now I bring my pepper spray, a baton, and a knife with me because of what's been happening lately, and specifically what happened with the man from the other night.
I have to park my car a couple of blocks away because I can't afford parking in my building which is $110/month, an absurd price for someone with my income. When I parked my car the other night it was after 11:00 PM, and I was on my way to the store to get a pregnancy test because my period was 11 days late (I got it the next morning). On my way to the store, I saw two guys up ahead, and they looked a little sketchy, so I was trying my best to avoid eye contact and keep walking at the fast pace that I was already walking at. One of the guys started to jaywalk while the other stopped on the sidewalk. When I walked past him he said, "Hey, how are you doing?" To which I shortly replied, "Good." He said, "I'm just a friendly person. I like talking to people." "Okay." At this point he started crossing the street, and I was far enough away that I barely heard him say, "You look very afraid though." He and his friend both started laughing at me. I know he probably said this because he assumed I was being racist since he was black, and I was nothing but a mere scared white woman. But to be perfectly honest, almost every woman is terrified when any man who is either alone but especially when accompanied by someone approaches her. It was almost 11:30 at night, and I was alone, and there was no one in sight, so of course he scared me. On my way back to my apartment, after discovering that the store didn't have any pregnancy test, I was on the verge of tears when I saw the same two guys standing next to a parking meter within sight of my apartment building. I was hoping he would leave me alone, but of course he didn't. He said, "Hello again," "Hi." He asked, "Are you busy?" I stupidly replied, "I'm going home to go to bed, so yes." He asked, "Do you need anything?" I firmly responded, "No." He said, "Have a good night," "You too." Then he said something along the lines of "Aw thanks." By the time, I got inside I was shaking and starting to cry because even though nothing happened, he wouldn't leave me alone, and I didn't know what to do. I never want to talk to men on the street, but I've learned if you don't respond it can make it worse, but when you do respond it still can go poorly. I hate that some men expect women to want to talk to them when most women don't want to be talked while alone with no one else in sight. I told my boyfriend about it, and he said he thinks he might have seen the same guy sitting on a porch of one of the house on my block. He only remembers the guy because he asked him if he wanted to smoke a joint with him. I can't say for sure if it's the same guy because I couldn't describe him that well since I wanted to look at him as little as possible, and it was dark, and I was scared. But from what my boyfriend said and what I remembered it could definitely be him, so now I just have to hope I don't see him again. 

Break Up

My boyfriend of six months broke up with me last Monday. Everyone keeps telling me he's going to change his mind especially when he sees me next week, but I don't know if I want him to. I think I might be done. I'm sick of reminding people of my existence because apparently it's super easy to forget about me. He broke up with me because he wants time to himself to work through whatever shit is going on his mind. He told me not to wait for me, and originally I was going to wait for him, but now I don't know. I don't know if I want to be with someone who breaks up with me after every other fight and changes his mind right after he breaks up with me. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to find someone else that is actually going to want to spend time with me, instead having the same fight with the same person over and over. He said he loved me a little over a month ago, but honestly, I don't think he does. He told me while he was breaking up with me that he still loved me, but then why would he break up with me. If he actually loved me, he wouldn't pull all this stupid bullshit he keeps doing, and then blame it on me and say I'm the one being crazy. He also told me I can't talk to him until I get back home, but that's also bullshit. Why does he get to choose when I talk to him, and when I don't get to talk to him? He's been doing that our entire relationship, and I think it's my turn to just tell him I'm done. I can't take any of this anymore, and I'm moving on. 

Forgiveness

Today, I think I finally have figured out why I haven't been able to forgive my mom after all these years. She's the biggest why my whole reality exists the way it does. Not only did she pass onto me her insecurities, but she blew up any sense of family that could have potentially existed in my family. Instead she projected all her inner demons onto all of us, and I've been left with the aftermath for the foreseeable future. That's not to say that all the issues in my family are due to my mom, but she was the catalyst for most of it. In theory, she's really the one who ditched my family, not my dad. I remember her always trying to have me see it that my dad was the one who left us, just because he physically left our home, but he didn't leave us entirely. He still provided for my mom, my brothers, and I. He still managed a presence in our family. My mom, on the other hand, was still in the house, but she ditched mentally and emotionally from our lives. I became the responsible one the minute my dad left. That's not to say that my mom didn't feed me or make sure my basic needs were taken care of, but she left me. She left me, and made me figure out everything for myself. She left me, and she still hasn't returned in the capacity that she should have. In actuality, I can't remember a time when my mom was present the way she should have been when I needed her the most. I've been angry at her all these years for it, but never knew the true reason. 

Feeling Vulnerable

Vulnerability is a funny thing. People accept vulnerability if they have a sense of love and belonging, but love and belonging come from being vulnerable first. That is, if your family doesn't provide a sense of love and belonging first, but if a person is born into a family that gives them a feeling of love and belonging, then they find themselves accepting vulnerability. This is funny to me because the people who need a sense of love and belonging the most don't have it, and then are uncomfortable with being vulnerable and are unable to find love or a feeling of belonging. So, then, the big question becomes how does one find worthiness in themselves if all a person is receiving in life is the message that they are not good enough? How does one overcome this looming presence of loneliness in order to not be lonely? How does someone begin to love them self if all the people that are supposed to love them just don't care?

Summertime Crushes

Last week I saw The Avett Brothers in concert yet again, and yet again they managed to outdo themselves. Every time I see them I am even more amazed than the last. They truly are extremely talented, and one of the best bands out there right now. I am excited to see keep watching them grow and see what they continue to do. It's obvious that they never stop working on honing their craft, and that they want to keep getting better which is rare to see these days.
So some recent events in my personal life, are I got back on Tinder a few weeks back just because it's boring here, and I was a tad bit tipsy. I matched with this one guy from high school who's family owns the fanciest restaurant in town, but he came on a little strong so I gave him a bitchy reply, "Are you always so desperate," which he did not appreciate and said he "trying to be friendly." Anyways, last night was my brother's girlfriend's birthday, and he invited me to go to dinner with them to which I said of course. However, he did not inform that we were going to the restaurant that the guy's family owns, and he also happens to work there. Unfortunately for me, he was working that night, and we were seated near the stairs where the waiters kept walking back and forth. It wasn't long after I sat down that we made eye contact, but at least he wasn't our waiter which I am so happy for because that would have been the worst thing ever.
Later that night, I messaged him apologizing for being bitchy, but I also saying that he had come on a little strong. He messaged me this morning agreeing with me, and saying that he was excited that he matched with me because he had had a small crush on me in high school but never was able to say hi to me. He also admitted that it was awkward seeing me last night, and said I was sweet to apologize. I was amazed by the fact that he even had the slightest crush on me in high school considering the shit people used to say about me, but maybe that could explain his first messages because he probably thought I was a slut like everyone else in high school even though I only dated one guy, and haven't dated anyone since.
I also have been talking to this guy for almost two weeks now who lives about a half an hour from here but last night he was super judgy towards me, and it pissed me off, so I don't think that 's going to work out even though I did really like him before that. It almost seems like he was being super hypocritical too, but it's hard to know for sure. Either way he's been sending me some red flags. 

Customer Service

We recently had an unusual couple of phone calls from a customer ordering a hook gage. My brother, Josh, talked to this customer the first time, and he asked for the names of employees who worked to find out who he had previously spoken to. Then he said, "You can run, but you can't hide," to which Josh laughed at awkwardly in the hopes that the customer was making some sort of joke. However,  Josh's awkward laugh was received with complete silence from the man. Josh promised him to have the hook gage shipped out to him on Monday, and Josh told me to remember to tell Brandon about it. Monday comes and goes, and I completely forget to tell Brandon about the hook gage. So a few days later, the same customer calls back complaining that his order hasn't been shipped yet. Brandon and Josh explain that it was a certain employee's responsibility (me) to remember to have his product shipped on Monday and told him that I had forgotten to do so. The man replies with, "You know what you should do to that employee? You should string him up by his hands, and whip him with a wet pool noodle." So now Josh and I are convinced that any day now that man is going to come into the office and murder us all. 

Boycott the Fourth

My Fourth of July was pretty terrible again this year. I had to work, but we were planning to leave an hour early. However, this did not happen because the internet stopped working about fifteen minutes before we wanted to leave, so we're trying to get stuff using just one computer. Also Brandon had to talk to a customer who came in to the showroom just before we were thinking about leaving. Once we are ready to leave Brandon shuts down all the computers before realizing we hadn't clocked out yet, so he turns one back on which of course takes forever. We finally leave, but it's only fifteen minutes earlier than we normally would leave. As we're walking out of the building Brandon realizes he doesn't have his keys, so he asks Teri if she will unlock the office to get his keys. Teri and I are waiting for him, but it's been quite some time, so we decide to go into the office to help him look for his keys. Brandon says he thinks he left them in the car, and he walks down to his car while we keep looking in the office. He calls me to tell me that his keys are, in fact, in his car and asks me to look for a wire coat hanger. Fortunately, there was a wire coat hanger right on the floor upstairs. Teri and I head out to Brandon's car and Brandon and Teri try to get his car open.
After sometime Teri leaves to go home, and Brandon has me call his girlfriend to come pick us up. He keeps trying to break into his car while we wait for her. When she arrives he's still working on it, and the two of them continue to do so for another hour while I watch their son, Sam. They finally get the car open, and we are on the way home when Brandon gets caught going 75 by the police. He gets pulled over, but the cop surprisingly doesn't give him a ticket. We didn't end up getting home until about 8 that night which is an hour and a half later than we normally get home from work.
Also that day, Tianna told me she might be pregnant. She still doesn't know for sure because her car broke down, and she lives to far away from the store to get a pregnancy test. All in all the Fourth of July sucked for me, and last year's was pretty bad as well which is why Tianna and I have decided to boycott the Fourth. Next year, we might celebrate Malia Obama's birthday instead which is apparently what some people did this year. 

Practice Room Crush Part IV

Every year on Memorial Weekend there's the Folklife Festival, and it's free. Becky and I went last year, and I asked her if she wanted to go this year too. So this year we decided to go, but we planned on a different day and time in hopes that it would be better than the first year. We get there, and we're not really sure of what to do so we're just walking around looking for something to stop and listen to. We end up stuck behind a large mass of people in this little pathway so we decide to step onto the grass to try to get past the people. Standing there on the grass is David and a couple of guys, I was shocked, I expected the last place on Earth he would spend his weekend would be the Folklife Festival. He sees us and so do his friends. I keep walking because I'm panicking for probably the millionth time after seeing him. I turn to look at Becky, and she's asking me if that was David, and I say yes, so then she decides to try to embarrass me by trying to make me walk back towards them. We look behind us to see David and his friends following us. I freak out even more and start to walk faster. Meanwhile, Becky is trying to walk slower to let them catch up to us, but I'm yelling at her to walk faster. We see them stop to listen to some Latin music, and I'm still trying to walk away from them, but Becky stops to listen too. However, David is pretty far away from us although he can still see us. I finally get Becky to walk away, but as we're walking away I see one of his friends walking the same way we are. We stop a little ways away, and we're arguing about what to do next, so I finally tell Becky that I'll just follow her and she can choose what to do. So of course, she walks back toward David. I follow her, but I stop once she gets too close to him for me which within a hundred feet. She keeps walking towards him, but she doesn't realize I'm not behind her. By this time, David has noticed we're back, and he starts walking towards. My heart starts to pound even more, and I almost don't look at him as he passes, but I do. He waves and smiles at me, and I actually manage to wave and smile back, but as soon as he passes I'm glaring at Becky and getting her to leave. She's so happy with herself and with me for actually waving at him because she thought for sure I was going to ignore him. We randomly see him once more after that, but we decide to leave because we got bored. 

A week and a half later, we're hanging out for the last time before it's time to go home for the summer. Becky has my phone, and she's joking around with me about messaging David on Facebook, but then she does by accident. I don't expect him to reply so I'm not that upset besides I had messaged one of her crushes before. He messages back within five minutes, and we're both shocked. We don't know what to do, and I can't think of anything to say back, so she responds for me. After getting over the fact that he actually responded, I'm finally able to start responding myself. I end up going to bed in the middle of the little conversation we have. The next morning I'm woken up by my phone going off because David is video chatting me, I assume it's an accident so I don't pick up. I ask him about it, and he said it was an accident. He then says something to me about messaging him late the night before even though it was only eleven so I tell him it was an accident, and that it was one of my friends. I also make up the part where I say I was thinking of messaging himself, and he says he's glad she messaged me, but then he starts to ask me about what I was planning on saying to him, and why I never said hi to him in the practice rooms. I tell him I'm shy and awkward, and the conversation stops there. Since then I haven't messaged him again, and of course I haven't seen him either because I'm back home, and it would be weird if I were to see him here since no one ever comes here. I can't stop thinking about him though, and I want to talk to him again, but I'm scared to. It seems silly to be scared of talking to him, but I am because he's pretty much out of my league. However, for some reason, he does appear to be interested in me, and it doesn't make any sense. 

Practice Room Crush Part III

The next encounter between us was not in music building. It was outside, and I was sitting at a picnic table by myself because for some reason whenever I saw him I was pretty much almost always alone at least in the beginning of it all. Anyways, I was sitting at a picnic table halfheartedly doing some homework after finishing a test for my accounting class. This happens to be my favorite picnic table on our campus, I've sat at it multiple times since I started going there, but I have to make a confession I did see David head into the SUB, which is where the picnic table is located, right before I decided to sit there. I thought maybe if I sat there he would walk past my table on his way out, but I knew that would be assuming if he saw me there while inside, so I knew that chances were that he would not do as I had hoped. As I was sitting there I briefly looked inside, and I thought I saw him inside talking to someone, but I wasn't entirely sure. After a little bit I looked up again, and I saw him walking towards the door near me, and of course I once again began to panic because that's what I do every time I might speak to him. He exits the building, and I look up again. This time he's looking at me, and I feel like throwing up right there. He says to me, "How you doing," but it was so quiet that I wasn't sure if I heard him right, so me being the awkward little soul that I am give him a quick smile and look back down. His friend who has with him, a different one than the one previously mentioned, tells him to wait for him. So they're both just standing there right by my table, and the entire time I'm freaking out and refuse to look up. All of a sudden, I hear the beginning of "Thank You" by Dido playing, and in my head, I'm thinking what the fuck is happening right now. I'm hoping that they walk away soon because I am hopeless case when it comes to communicating to a guy that I like without the help of Tianna. After an eternity they begin to walk away, and I can feel myself start to breathe again. In their absence, I am left befuddled by the entire situation that just transpired. I also begin kicking myself for basically ignoring David, and thinking about how he probably thinks I'm an asshole or that I don't like him which I guess the former could be correct but I definitely didn't want him to think the latter. 

A few days after that, I'm holding the door open to the practice rooms as I'm talking to one of my friends, and I hear someone approaching the doorway behind me. I look to see David passing me, and I'm dumbfounded. At this point, I'm trying to pay attention to the conversation I was having, but I can't because David turns around to smile at me even though he's on the phone and walking away from me. I can't remember what I was doing as he smiled at me, but I'm pretty sure I didn't smile back because I was taken by surprise. Fortunately, my friend didn't notice anything or if she did she didn't ask me about it because I don't really know what I would have said. Yeah I'm into that guy, and I think he's into me, and blah, blah, blah, you probably don't give a fuck. After that I thought for sure, he hates me, and he's never going to talk to me again. 

Practice Room Crush Part II

After that first encounter, it was awhile before we actually had another brief encounter again. However, I did see him looking in my practice room once or twice after that although one time I couldn't be certain because I had my reading glasses on, and I couldn't tell who it was. Anyways, one day, I was walking out of the bathroom, and I as I turned the corner there was David walking in front of me headed straight for the practice rooms. As he's rounding the next corner to the door to the practice rooms, he turns to smile at me, fortunately, I managed to give him a little smile back. I hear the beep of the door as he swipes his key card to unlock it, but I'm still not in view of the door. As I round the corner, I expect to see the door closing behind David, but instead he's standing there waiting for me holding the door open. I was surprised because most guys don't even bother to hold the door open for me let alone wait for me. Although, as I walked past him I couldn't look at him because I was panicking too much, but I did say thank you, and he grunted at me. He actually grunted at me, and I kind of felt better about my awkwardness after that. I go to my practice room without looking back at him or anything because I was still panicking too much, and once I'm safely in my practice room I notice in the mirror that there is a giant rip in my tights trailing up the back of my thigh with only a small fraction of the rip covered by my mini skirt. It was then that I realize he was probably checking out my ass the entire time, and he had to have noticed the rip in my tights. I had to admit it kind of looked sexy I just hope he thought so too instead of thinking I was too poor to buy new tights.
Before this took place, I saw Creed on my way to my violin lesson one morning, but I ended up staring at him because I wasn't sure if it was him or not since I am terrible at recognizing people. He at first was avoided eye contact with but then he finally looked at me and saw me staring. He was at least polite enough to give me a forced smile, and then I felt weird for staring at him. I saw him one more time after that while walking to my lesson but luckily that was it. Although the strangest thing is yet to come because one day I went to my astronomy class. We had a test that day, and I walk in, and there is Creed sitting right by the door. That was the one and only time I ever saw him in that class, and I still can't make any sense out of why he would have been there for one test and one test only when he wasn't even in the class. 

Practice Room Crush Part I

At the end of winter quarter, I headed back home for spring break, but I was only there for a few days because my brother Brandon, his girlfriend, and Brandon's son, and I all went to Las Vegas for four days. It was an interesting experience, and we had a good time, but I doubt I'll go back to Vegas again. It really wasn't my kind of place. It's too fake and flashy. Towards the end of my spring break, I was hanging out with Tianna, and I was on Facebook, and somehow we came upon the topic of males which I guess isn't too uncommon for us. However, this conversation lead to me looking up David on Facebook, and me telling her I found him very attractive. She told me to add him which at first I said no to because I'd only talked to him once very briefly, and he came into Dennis' room at various times while I was there last year, but that was as the extent of our interactions. When I said no, she said this is what's going to happen because he has so many friends (which was over 1000 and to us that's a lot considering I have about 300 and she has less than that) he's either going to forget that you added him or he's going to add you think you're cute then see you around campus and take notice of you. So I added him under the opinion that he would just forget about it.
About a week or two later, I see David in a practice room. Instead of going all the way to the other side of the practice rooms, I chose one near his, so that he might see me when he left. I'm sitting there attempting to write a song when I catch a glimpse of someone in my practice room window, and it was David looking back at me. He left shortly after that. Another week or two after that, I chose the practice room right next to his. We were both there for about an hour when he leaves, and I am trying to motivate myself to keep practicing, but instead I just sit at the piano thinking. A few minutes later, I hear someone outside my practice room, I look up and see David standing there opening the door. I start to panic because I don't know what to do in these situations when I'm alone and without Tianna. He was also with somebody which made me even more uncomfortable because not only was my crush walking into my practice room, but I was also outnumbered. He asks me if he can borrow the extra piano bench in my room, and I say yes. He then introduces himself and asks if I added him on Facebook recently which I said yes to, and he said he was making sure it was me. At this point, I'm about to have a heart attack, and I'm thinking he probably hates me and thinks I'm a creepy stalker because I always assume my crush thinks I'm a creepy stalker. There's an awkward pause which is broken by his friend, Creed, introducing himself to me. Then they both leave with David apologizing for interrupting to which I responded it's okay I wasn't really doing anything. This was the first of more awkward encounters to come because every time I saw him my heart started to pound, my hands shook, and I couldn't think. I know it's all part of having a crush, but this was the first time this had ever happened to me around the opposite gender. Normally, I can handle myself well enough around my crush but with David it's different, words fail me, and I can barely look him in the eye. 

Winter Quarter

At the start of winter quarter I was nervous being in the house I was living in because this was the first time I was living on my own, and it also happened to be in house filled with strangers that were mostly male. In fact, I lived with seven males and two other females, and they were all quite a bit older than me although a few were in their mid to late twenties. As a twenty year old female, it was a bit intimidating at first, but over time I became used to it. The first person I spoke to who lived there who wasn't the property manager was a guy in his twenties. I had just come home one night and had my keys out to unlock the front door when it opened. On the other side was a man wearing one of those breathing masks. He says hello so I respond, and then he tells me he has allergies, and that's why he's wearing the mask, and not because of anything weird. I say, "oh okay," in response, and that was our very first conversation. He was one of the only people there that I spoke to on more than one occasion although conversations were always brief.
Later that quarter, I found out I had, and still am having problems with, cubital tunnel which as a young musician this is one of the worst things to have happen. My dad told me to see a chiropractor about it to see if it would help so I did. Well as it turns out, the chiropractor I went to had brown hair, brown eyes, and a beard which just happens to be my type. At my very first appointment, I found out he goes to this little town I used to live in every summer which I thought was weird because it's about six hours away, and it's not even that popular of a place to go to. He also did a test of the muscles in my back which required me to wear one of those ugly hospital gowns without a bra. He had to open the back of my hospital gown and run sensors slowly along my spine. Needless to say the entire process was incredibly awkward especially afterwards when he started to practically massage my shoulders because he was feeling how tight my muscles were. Of course I was uncomfortable because I don't like people touching me in the first place, but then when it happens to be an attractive man it just made it that much worse for me. A few appointments later, and I had a different chiropractor for one session. This new chiropractor asked me my name, and after I told him he said, "Your reputation precedes you." I still have no idea what the fuck that was supposed to mean because the only time I have ever heard that used is in historical fiction when some gentlemanly fellow wants to compliment a lady about her looks. However, I don't think this was the case because that would be extremely unprofessional and disturbing. Anyways, once spring break came around I stopped going there, and they called me twice and sent me a text in the next couple of months to follow. This to me seemed like a terrible policy for them because it gives the impression that they're hurting for clients.

Tinder and Rooms

So one of the more interesting things that happened this past year is I decided to try out Tinder just for the hell of it. I was surprisingly pretty popular on Tinder although I suppose that's not too hard when you're a female. Anyways, I had some pretty unusual things happen on Tinder most of which I cannot recall but was all pretty much expected for Tinder. I actually even went on a Tinder date, but I wasn't really into the guy especially after he went on about how great Europe and Kanye West are. I mean not that Europe isn't great or anything, but if you're going to talk about how much you love Europe why not just live there instead of constantly comparing it to the US. Also he kind of looked like my brother so that was another strike against him because that would have been weird. I actually saw a lot of people from college on there one of which super liked me, and then added me on Facebook not long after even though I swiped left on him. I did end up talking to a guy on there who goes to my school, and I saw this one guy that is friends with Dennis who I have had a crush on since I met him last year. His name is David and will come up again frequently later on in my story, but the important thing to know for now is when I saw him on Tinder I wanted to swipe right, but I accidentally swiped left on him so that sucked. Anyways, not long after I went on my one and only Tinder I decided to delete the app since it was turning into a waste of time.
Another thing that occurred during this time is I decided to move off campus because I was sick of living in the dorms. Since I didn't know anyone else who wanted to move at the same time as me, I went searching on Craigslist and many other sites to look for a place to live. This was actually a pretty stressful situation because housing in Seattle is not cheap, and there isn't much in my price range. I also had already withdrawn from campus housing, and it was looking like I was potentially going to have no where to live at the beginning of winter quarter. But then one day I get a call from someone I didn't even remember emailing, and I got a room in a house for pretty cheap. I just moved out of there yesterday to move back home for the summer, but it was great there, and I kind of miss it. And that is all the rest I have to tell about fall quarter of this past year. 

I'm Back

I'm back! I know it's almost been a year since I've actually posted anything. I had honestly forgotten about this blog until recently when I was talking to a friend about it, and recent events in my life have made me want to start it up again. It turns out that I'm not as awkward as I thought although I am still pretty awkward. As this past school year has enlightened me, most people are just awkward at least the people I encounter. So for two reasons the title of this blog isn't entirely accurate. Yes, I am still socially awkward, but in comparison with others, I have average social skills and have moments of awkwardness. The other reason the title isn't accurate is because I am no longer a teenager. About eight months ago, I reached the ripe old age of 20. It's funny because I thought things would be different when I was no longer a teenager, and at first, I got the impression that I was exactly the same, but now looking back I realize many things have changed for me since I turned 20. Although I seriously doubt that it has anything to do with my age.
Anyways, over the next few months of the summer, I plan on retelling the majority of my sophomore year of college, or at least the more interesting parts about it. However, I must admit, fall quarter was pretty boring, and my life didn't have anything really going on until winter quarter. To begin all the back in fall quarter, my brother Josh came to visit me. Well, he didn't really come to visit me, he was in the same city as me with his girlfriend, but he was sick of hanging out with his girlfriend, so I finally picked him up after he wouldn't quit complaining about her. I also I have to tell you, I do not own my car. In fact, I have my mom's car, and she is currently living in the Marshall Islands teaching small children English or something. She's coming back for a month this summer, and I have a feeling she won't let me borrow her car after she leaves once I tell her I'm not paying her car insurance anymore, but that's another story for another post.
Back to Josh. So I go pick up Josh from their hotel downtown, and I take him back to campus because I didn't really know what else to do with him. Once we got back to campus, I take him to Seven-Eleven so he can buy a cigar to smoke all the weed he had with him. He gets super stoned and gets weed all over my mom's car which pissed me off immensely. Since he wants most of his weed off the floor of the car he reaches for my phone instead of just asking for it to use as a flashlight. This was uncomfortable for me as my phone was resting in my lap near my crotch, and if he wasn't my brother and was sober I probably would have slapped him for it. After he picks up most of his weed, he starts talking about being depressed, and asks me if I was happy which at the time I was pretty depressed too. He clearly wasn't happy with his new girlfriend which I think he was hoping if he found the right girl to date she would fix everything. I don't know what the hell made him think that considering our brother Brandon has the perfect girlfriend, and he's still an asshole.
We eventually end this conversation, and I end up taking him back to my room which was risky because if my RA had seen him and figured out he was stoned I could have gotten into a lot of trouble. My roommate Becky was there, and she was pretty terrified of him considering he's 6'3", and she's only five feet tall. I let him watch football on my laptop, and he just sat there completely zoned out like I had never seen him before. He was totally out of it, and I've seen my brother intoxicated many times, but nothing was like he was that night. I have no idea what was wrong with him. After about two hours of this, I show him around campus, and then take him back to his hotel. I don't think his girlfriend ever liked me because of that night. I think his leaving started a huge fight between them, and he wouldn't have ever left if I hadn't told him I could pick him up. I just hope that if she hasn't figured this out already, that someday she will understand that I have no idea how to best help my brother, and I was just doing what he was asking me to do. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I hope I did.
I know that wasn't the most uplifting story ever, but I promise most of the stories that I have from this past year are actually pretty funny. Like I said before not much happened fall quarter or at least nothing fun happened that quarter. 

An Eventful Day (to say the least)

So my day has been pretty weird and is still going to keep being super weird. It all started this morning when I had a cup of coffee and had to take a really huge poop. The unfortunate part about this was it was at 9:40, and the plumber was coming to our house at 10. Also I should mention we just moved, and the plumber was coming to plumb our fridge so it would produce magical cold water from the door. So here I am 20 minutes before the plumber comes taking the world's biggest dump on the toilet. I actually finish at about 9:53, but I have a new problem, our bathroom does not have a fan, and the kitchen is near the bathroom, close enough that you can smell everything emanating from the bathroom. Once I realize this, I immediately begin to run around the house looking for perfume or some sort of Febreze or anything that will make the air not smell like crap. I have two things going against me, one being I don't know where any of the cleaning supplies are in the new house, and two none of the females in this house have any perfume. I end up finding this cheap ass body spray that my mom gave me for Christmas a few years ago that I'm 99% sure she bought at the Dollar Store. Unfortunately, when I go to spray the stuff, it doesn't come out in a nice spray instead it comes out in droplets all over the floor. So I end up grabbing bathroom cleaner and spraying it into the air. It's not even 10 yet, and the kitchen doesn't smell like poop so I felt successful. It turns out the plumber didn't even get here until 10:17 anyways so I didn't even need to stress out so much. Although I was stressed about the fact that they weren't going to be before I needed to leave the house at 11 to go with Tianna to hang out while she did her errands. As 10:40 approaches I come up with a plan, I decide to sneak out of the house through the window of my parents' bedroom, so the plumbers won't know I left. The plumbers were gone at this time to go get the proper tools so I took my purse and my shoes and put them by the window in my parents' room. I then return to my bedroom to wait. At 11, I go to the bathroom and pass the plumbers who are under the sink, I decide that after I'm done peeing I will escape through the window which is what I did. I run around the back of the house and go to the park by my house to wait for Tianna to pick me up.
Later, we come back to my house, and I give Tianna a tour of the house. We decide to look for a tape measure to see how big I should get my tattoo when I find a lighter, and I tell Tianna how I've been finding lighters a lot recently, and how I think someone in my house is smoking weed. We proceed to search my parents' bedroom to see if there's any weed amongst their things. We don't find any, so we decide to search my step sister's room to see if there's any in her room. After we've almost given up I realize her backpack is sitting on her floor and we haven't looked through it yet. We open her backpack, and on top is a metal lunchbox, we open the lunchbox, and inside... there is a pipe, old roaches, and a pack of cigerattes. She also had crushed up can that she had used as a pipe. Unfortunately, we didn't find any weed, so we have decided that tonight once everyone is asleep we are going to search her car. 

Pokemon Go

Recently, I've been spending quite a bit of time playing Pokemon Go even after I made fun of my friends for playing it. But as it turns out, it's actually really fun. It's getting me out of the house and doing something on my days off other than hanging out with Tianna, who is currently out of town, or helping my mom clean out her house in the hopes that I'll stay on her good side and she will give me her car which so far seems to be working. However, that could end any day now. My dad and I like to take my dog, P-Knut for walks and play Pokemon at the same time. Tonight, we went downtown to walk around, and there were about 20 people gathered between two Pokestops because there were lure modules at both stops. It was kind of cool to see. People in this stupid town getting out of their houses and congregating in a random places across town. It's better than the alternative which is everybody stay indoors playing Xbox and smoking pot all day. It's also kind of fun being part of something that you know other people are enjoying, and it's almost as if you're all part of this club. You walk around and recognize other people who are doing the same thing as you even though they're perfect strangers. Everybody at work kind of thinks it's lame, but oh well they haven't tried it so how would they know. There's this one guy who I grew up with who was about to bash on the game until I said I play it. Today, he asked me about my Pokemon, and asked me if I had Pikachu yet which unfortunately I do not. My mom told me she thinks ISIS is using it to spy on the US which I think is stupid because they could just use Google Earth for that shit. Sometimes I swear to god I am adopted because of the people in my family. 

Peacocks, Pills, and Parents

This past week has been pretty eventful in a way. On Wednesday night, I got super drunk and took some Oxycotin which I regretted the next day because I can't remember if I added this guy on Facebook and then cancelled the request which would be awkward because I've never actually talked to this guy he was just someone from my school that I find attractive. Also the next day I was super shaky and almost threw up. I ended up hanging out with Tianna that day, and I told her this story from when I was a little kid. If I remember right I was probably only about four years old when my family decided to get some peacocks, this was when we lived out in the middle of nowhere with a huge yard, but no land. Anyways, we were in our truck, and my brothers were holding onto the peacocks. When we got home, my parents told my brothers to make sure they had a good grip on the peacocks because the doors to the truck were going to open. My parents open the door, and out fly the peacocks except the babies. My parents chased after the peacocks, but they weren't able to get them. I remember for the longest time we had peacocks just sitting in the field by our house, and somedays they would be in the trees of our yard. I don't know what ended up happening to any of the peacocks, but I do know that one night when we came home my dad was driving. We pulled into the driveway, and we see a possum in our yard. Instead of parking the car my dad starts to speed up. He chases the possum through our yard in the car until he leaves. He was disappointed in the end because he was trying to kill it. 

On Friday, my dad and I were at the bank together when we started talking about my brother, Josh. I was saying I was concerned for him because of his problems with substance abuse, and as usual my dad just brushed off saying he thinks Josh is doing just fine. He also said that Josh needs a nice woman in his life because apparently she will solve all his problems. He then proceeded to ask me when I was going to find myself a nice man. I told him I was going to be like Coco Chanel and never get married. He didn't say anything to that, but it made me mad that he expects me to find a man and settle down after all these years of him telling me that marriage and having children was for boring people. So I guess he wants me to do what everybody does regardless of what I want. I let it go at the time because we were going to see The Avett Brothers, but if he brings it up again I might say something more about it. 

Also The Avett Brothers concert was absolutely amazing like they always are. I love those guys so much I wish I could spend the rest of my life following them around. They make me so happy. 

Chenowith Flu

For the past week and a half I have been sick. I haven't been this sick since I worked at this day care the summer before my senior year. I got sick from Brandon's son, and then I proceeded to get my dad sick. I got a sinus infection on this past Wednesday and it went finally went away today. I'm almost over all of it except today I had a little bit of a cough and my voice gave out on me a few times today. When my dad was sick, I'm pretty Sharron gave him Jack Daniel's at 8 in the morning she called it, "cough medicine." He was pretty loopy saying he had a face cancer, and the only way to get better was to give him meth because he had the Chenowith Flu. According to him if you have the, "Chenowith Flu," you need meth to feel better. Luckily, meth was completely unnecessary to get over this flu. Although if it had persisted for much longer I might have been willing to try it that's how terrible I felt.
In other news, I found out I did not get the campus apartment I wanted for next year, so I have to live in the dorms for one quarter, and then hopefully if I can find a place, I can move into my own apartment. My mom is hopefully going to give me her car since she's moving to the Marshall Islands for two years. She's also going to give me some furniture and kitchen items which will be useful. I'm really nervous about this upcoming year because I'll need to apply to my major at some point, find a job, find a place to live, have a new orchestra conductor, and get a better handle on what the fuck I'm doing with my life because I have absolutely no idea. I just need to stop thinking about all this stuff right now though. I should be focusing on the fact that in five days I'm going to see the AVETT BROTHERS for the third time. I love them so much, and their new album. They truly are the most amazing band of all time. I'm sorry, Dad, even though you're not reading this, but Bruce isn't my favorite musician of all time, Scott Avett is. 

A Good Last Day

This year's Fourth of July will be one I never forget. It started out with me going to work while my family went rafting, and I was at work until 3:30 after Nick decided it was an acceptable time for us to leave. After work I went to the BBQ Brandon and his girlfriend were having at their house. I was only there for a little bit to see Josh before he drove him and my nephew. I went up to my friend Tianna's house to see her and another one of my friends. The two of them had to leave at 9, so I went back to Brandon's house to watch the fireworks with him, his girlfriend, and my nephew. I ended up getting home around 11, and my dad was still up. He'd been waiting for me to get home. I went to my room, and I heard him call my name. At first I thought I was in trouble, but for what I had no idea. When I walked into the living room he told my dad Tweakers had died after they got home from the BBQ at Brandon's house. He was laying in his bed, and he stopped breathing. My dad buried him in the backyard before I got home. The next day we went and bought some flowers to plant around his grave. My dog was ten years old when he died. He was the most loyal dog. All year he would run away from my dad's house to my brother's or my mom's looking for me. I'm going to miss him. I was planning on getting an apartment so he could come live with me, but I guess that's not going to happen now. I'm just glad he got to see my whole family one last time and chewed on a rib bone on his last day. I think he had a good last day. 

Time Machine Needed

So it's been about ten days since I've been home, and honestly I cannot wait to go back already. This is going to be a very long summer I can tell. Mostly because there's almost always someone here except for maybe a couple of hours on my day off other than that people are here constantly. I really miss when it was just my dad and me living here, and I would have quite a bit of time to myself most days. Although I'm thinking about going to Idaho for fourth of July weekend with one of my friends which could be nice. At least it will give me a break from being home for a couple of days. I'm tired of everyone at work and at my house, and it's not even July yet. Someone please get me a time machine so I can skip past these three awful months. At least the Avett Brothers' album is coming out this Friday. I also should check to see if my grades for last quarter have been posted yet. They hadn't posted grades yet last week, so it's possible they've done it by now.