On the Street

I've recently moved into my own apartment for the first time. It's small, and I don't have a kitchen, but I finally have my own bathroom. I do still have access to a kitchen. It's a shared kitchen with the rest of the floor I'm living on, but I do have a microwave and fridge in my studio which is nice. The neighborhood I'm living in isn't as nice as I thought it was when I first moved in. After the first couple of weeks, I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk putting a heroin needle into his arm, and just a few weeks ago another guy was prepping his needle on a busy street corner. There are heroin needles in the alleyway behind my building too, so apparently it's just the thing to do here. A woman even asked my boyfriend and I if we smoked shards or heroin when we do neither. This past week on the same night, I was harassed by a man who lives right by my apartment, and someone tried to steal my boyfriend's car, but when they failed to steal it they just took his stuff. Then later that night while I was sleeping, I was woken up by a man screaming this terrible, horrific scream. He sounded like he had just watched someone he loved be brutally murdered right in front of him. So basically, every time I leave my apartment now I bring my pepper spray, a baton, and a knife with me because of what's been happening lately, and specifically what happened with the man from the other night.
I have to park my car a couple of blocks away because I can't afford parking in my building which is $110/month, an absurd price for someone with my income. When I parked my car the other night it was after 11:00 PM, and I was on my way to the store to get a pregnancy test because my period was 11 days late (I got it the next morning). On my way to the store, I saw two guys up ahead, and they looked a little sketchy, so I was trying my best to avoid eye contact and keep walking at the fast pace that I was already walking at. One of the guys started to jaywalk while the other stopped on the sidewalk. When I walked past him he said, "Hey, how are you doing?" To which I shortly replied, "Good." He said, "I'm just a friendly person. I like talking to people." "Okay." At this point he started crossing the street, and I was far enough away that I barely heard him say, "You look very afraid though." He and his friend both started laughing at me. I know he probably said this because he assumed I was being racist since he was black, and I was nothing but a mere scared white woman. But to be perfectly honest, almost every woman is terrified when any man who is either alone but especially when accompanied by someone approaches her. It was almost 11:30 at night, and I was alone, and there was no one in sight, so of course he scared me. On my way back to my apartment, after discovering that the store didn't have any pregnancy test, I was on the verge of tears when I saw the same two guys standing next to a parking meter within sight of my apartment building. I was hoping he would leave me alone, but of course he didn't. He said, "Hello again," "Hi." He asked, "Are you busy?" I stupidly replied, "I'm going home to go to bed, so yes." He asked, "Do you need anything?" I firmly responded, "No." He said, "Have a good night," "You too." Then he said something along the lines of "Aw thanks." By the time, I got inside I was shaking and starting to cry because even though nothing happened, he wouldn't leave me alone, and I didn't know what to do. I never want to talk to men on the street, but I've learned if you don't respond it can make it worse, but when you do respond it still can go poorly. I hate that some men expect women to want to talk to them when most women don't want to be talked while alone with no one else in sight. I told my boyfriend about it, and he said he thinks he might have seen the same guy sitting on a porch of one of the house on my block. He only remembers the guy because he asked him if he wanted to smoke a joint with him. I can't say for sure if it's the same guy because I couldn't describe him that well since I wanted to look at him as little as possible, and it was dark, and I was scared. But from what my boyfriend said and what I remembered it could definitely be him, so now I just have to hope I don't see him again. 

Break Up

My boyfriend of six months broke up with me last Monday. Everyone keeps telling me he's going to change his mind especially when he sees me next week, but I don't know if I want him to. I think I might be done. I'm sick of reminding people of my existence because apparently it's super easy to forget about me. He broke up with me because he wants time to himself to work through whatever shit is going on his mind. He told me not to wait for me, and originally I was going to wait for him, but now I don't know. I don't know if I want to be with someone who breaks up with me after every other fight and changes his mind right after he breaks up with me. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to find someone else that is actually going to want to spend time with me, instead having the same fight with the same person over and over. He said he loved me a little over a month ago, but honestly, I don't think he does. He told me while he was breaking up with me that he still loved me, but then why would he break up with me. If he actually loved me, he wouldn't pull all this stupid bullshit he keeps doing, and then blame it on me and say I'm the one being crazy. He also told me I can't talk to him until I get back home, but that's also bullshit. Why does he get to choose when I talk to him, and when I don't get to talk to him? He's been doing that our entire relationship, and I think it's my turn to just tell him I'm done. I can't take any of this anymore, and I'm moving on. 

Forgiveness

Today, I think I finally have figured out why I haven't been able to forgive my mom after all these years. She's the biggest why my whole reality exists the way it does. Not only did she pass onto me her insecurities, but she blew up any sense of family that could have potentially existed in my family. Instead she projected all her inner demons onto all of us, and I've been left with the aftermath for the foreseeable future. That's not to say that all the issues in my family are due to my mom, but she was the catalyst for most of it. In theory, she's really the one who ditched my family, not my dad. I remember her always trying to have me see it that my dad was the one who left us, just because he physically left our home, but he didn't leave us entirely. He still provided for my mom, my brothers, and I. He still managed a presence in our family. My mom, on the other hand, was still in the house, but she ditched mentally and emotionally from our lives. I became the responsible one the minute my dad left. That's not to say that my mom didn't feed me or make sure my basic needs were taken care of, but she left me. She left me, and made me figure out everything for myself. She left me, and she still hasn't returned in the capacity that she should have. In actuality, I can't remember a time when my mom was present the way she should have been when I needed her the most. I've been angry at her all these years for it, but never knew the true reason. 

Feeling Vulnerable

Vulnerability is a funny thing. People accept vulnerability if they have a sense of love and belonging, but love and belonging come from being vulnerable first. That is, if your family doesn't provide a sense of love and belonging first, but if a person is born into a family that gives them a feeling of love and belonging, then they find themselves accepting vulnerability. This is funny to me because the people who need a sense of love and belonging the most don't have it, and then are uncomfortable with being vulnerable and are unable to find love or a feeling of belonging. So, then, the big question becomes how does one find worthiness in themselves if all a person is receiving in life is the message that they are not good enough? How does one overcome this looming presence of loneliness in order to not be lonely? How does someone begin to love them self if all the people that are supposed to love them just don't care?

Summertime Crushes

Last week I saw The Avett Brothers in concert yet again, and yet again they managed to outdo themselves. Every time I see them I am even more amazed than the last. They truly are extremely talented, and one of the best bands out there right now. I am excited to see keep watching them grow and see what they continue to do. It's obvious that they never stop working on honing their craft, and that they want to keep getting better which is rare to see these days.
So some recent events in my personal life, are I got back on Tinder a few weeks back just because it's boring here, and I was a tad bit tipsy. I matched with this one guy from high school who's family owns the fanciest restaurant in town, but he came on a little strong so I gave him a bitchy reply, "Are you always so desperate," which he did not appreciate and said he "trying to be friendly." Anyways, last night was my brother's girlfriend's birthday, and he invited me to go to dinner with them to which I said of course. However, he did not inform that we were going to the restaurant that the guy's family owns, and he also happens to work there. Unfortunately for me, he was working that night, and we were seated near the stairs where the waiters kept walking back and forth. It wasn't long after I sat down that we made eye contact, but at least he wasn't our waiter which I am so happy for because that would have been the worst thing ever.
Later that night, I messaged him apologizing for being bitchy, but I also saying that he had come on a little strong. He messaged me this morning agreeing with me, and saying that he was excited that he matched with me because he had had a small crush on me in high school but never was able to say hi to me. He also admitted that it was awkward seeing me last night, and said I was sweet to apologize. I was amazed by the fact that he even had the slightest crush on me in high school considering the shit people used to say about me, but maybe that could explain his first messages because he probably thought I was a slut like everyone else in high school even though I only dated one guy, and haven't dated anyone since.
I also have been talking to this guy for almost two weeks now who lives about a half an hour from here but last night he was super judgy towards me, and it pissed me off, so I don't think that 's going to work out even though I did really like him before that. It almost seems like he was being super hypocritical too, but it's hard to know for sure. Either way he's been sending me some red flags. 

Customer Service

We recently had an unusual couple of phone calls from a customer ordering a hook gage. My brother, Josh, talked to this customer the first time, and he asked for the names of employees who worked to find out who he had previously spoken to. Then he said, "You can run, but you can't hide," to which Josh laughed at awkwardly in the hopes that the customer was making some sort of joke. However,  Josh's awkward laugh was received with complete silence from the man. Josh promised him to have the hook gage shipped out to him on Monday, and Josh told me to remember to tell Brandon about it. Monday comes and goes, and I completely forget to tell Brandon about the hook gage. So a few days later, the same customer calls back complaining that his order hasn't been shipped yet. Brandon and Josh explain that it was a certain employee's responsibility (me) to remember to have his product shipped on Monday and told him that I had forgotten to do so. The man replies with, "You know what you should do to that employee? You should string him up by his hands, and whip him with a wet pool noodle." So now Josh and I are convinced that any day now that man is going to come into the office and murder us all. 

Boycott the Fourth

My Fourth of July was pretty terrible again this year. I had to work, but we were planning to leave an hour early. However, this did not happen because the internet stopped working about fifteen minutes before we wanted to leave, so we're trying to get stuff using just one computer. Also Brandon had to talk to a customer who came in to the showroom just before we were thinking about leaving. Once we are ready to leave Brandon shuts down all the computers before realizing we hadn't clocked out yet, so he turns one back on which of course takes forever. We finally leave, but it's only fifteen minutes earlier than we normally would leave. As we're walking out of the building Brandon realizes he doesn't have his keys, so he asks Teri if she will unlock the office to get his keys. Teri and I are waiting for him, but it's been quite some time, so we decide to go into the office to help him look for his keys. Brandon says he thinks he left them in the car, and he walks down to his car while we keep looking in the office. He calls me to tell me that his keys are, in fact, in his car and asks me to look for a wire coat hanger. Fortunately, there was a wire coat hanger right on the floor upstairs. Teri and I head out to Brandon's car and Brandon and Teri try to get his car open.
After sometime Teri leaves to go home, and Brandon has me call his girlfriend to come pick us up. He keeps trying to break into his car while we wait for her. When she arrives he's still working on it, and the two of them continue to do so for another hour while I watch their son, Sam. They finally get the car open, and we are on the way home when Brandon gets caught going 75 by the police. He gets pulled over, but the cop surprisingly doesn't give him a ticket. We didn't end up getting home until about 8 that night which is an hour and a half later than we normally get home from work.
Also that day, Tianna told me she might be pregnant. She still doesn't know for sure because her car broke down, and she lives to far away from the store to get a pregnancy test. All in all the Fourth of July sucked for me, and last year's was pretty bad as well which is why Tianna and I have decided to boycott the Fourth. Next year, we might celebrate Malia Obama's birthday instead which is apparently what some people did this year.